I (M53) and my wife (F50) have been married 1.5 years. I divorced my EW (F54) in 2018 (6th year now) and I have a 20 year old Son along with another 20 year old Son and a 24 year old. This post only concerns one of the twins. He has a cognitive delay and he will live with me forever. He is able to peform ADLs, has partime jobs in the summer (working with landscape crew at his trade school and at my country club). He goes to school and he is in his last year of public vocational school. So, he cares for himself, makes own cereal, uses the air fryer but reads at a 2nd grade level, can only do simple 1st grade math. Very kind, very social, very loving kid.
When I divorced after 24 years of my wife retained our marital home. She assumed the boys (HS freshman and college freshman) would stay with her. I purchased a home 15 minutes away and closer to everything. Our formal custodial agreement was 50/50. The boys chose to stay with me for the majority of their time. My special son and I have very strong bond and do a ton of things together. My other boys are sports kids, frat bros and you know the type -as am I. My EW went through the what I call the “girls gone wild” phase for a few years. My special son lived with me for 99% of the time. The oldest is out of the house and living on his own. The other twin is away at college, but in HS was with me 100% of weekdays, and would stay with her for occasional weekends. My wife does spend a great deal of time with my son and works with him. She taught him to tie his shoes, taught him to make his lunch for school, get himself ready for school and bed. I always did those things for him. So, she’s been a wonderful “Mom.” More so than my EW.
The past 6 months, my EW has been wanting our special son to be with her more. So, he’s been staying with her 50/50. My wife was thrilled with this, to give us a little break. We don’t have any formal arrangement because my son is now 20 and is an adult. We have no plans to go to court and have him declared incompetent. We did have him evaluated for social security disability and he qualifies but decided to not pursue that either.
Now to the question at hand. This was “MY WEEKEND” with my son. My son mentioned that his mom wanted him to stay with her tonight. I knew nothing about this. EW and I only communicate about the kids. No other communication or contact. It’s best that way for me. So, my choice.
My wife absolutely despises my EW. Like I can’t overstate how much vitriol she has towards her. I am over any feelings toward my EW – I have learned to control my thoughts and emotions and I give her absolutely no thoughts about anything. Nothing she does or doesn’t do bothers me. My EW and my wife have absolutely no communication with each other. None.
I am working tonight at the hospital from 7p to 7a. My wife and I made plans to go to dinner with friends at 5:00 before my work. So, my son would be essentially alone (teenage step daughter is there too, but she doesn’t leave her room and comes and goes with friends) for the evening. Before my EW became more involved, this was not an uncommon occurrence. But, I thought nothing of my son going with his mom because I wasn’t going to be home. But, my wife didn’t want that. Says I have “no boundaries” with my EW (I know this is not what a boundary is) because I don’t “stand up to her.” I am working very hard and improving communication with my wife. I am reading all of the books and watching the videos. Examining my own thoughts and motivations. Trying to look at things from all sides. But, here I wanted to support my wife’s thoughts on this issue.
My wife has an issue with my EW controlling our home because “she dictates when ‘son’ comes and goes with her.” This is a reoccurring argument between her and me. Her point tonight was that ‘son’ was going to pack his things up to just come back tomorrow. And that’s silly to have him come and go. I’ve purchased two of everything so that ‘son’ doesn’t really have to take anything to spend the night.
So, after dinner tonight, my wife and the other couple keep the night going and are still out as I am writing this – 10:00 pm. My son is home alone and he could have been with mom. I don’t get why my wife felt so strongly that my son stay home tonight since we were going to be out.
I don’t want a huge fight. There will 1000% be one if I bring this up at all. In the long run, it’s not a huge deal. My son is safe and fine. My EW gave up years of time with him, and still does when it’s not convenient for her. I’ve always kept the best interest of my kids at heart. I am working on clear communication with my wife.
But jeez, this just doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t know how to discuss. Help.