I am scared to talk to family sometimes. (right now i am sitting in my room i want to go talk to my step mom about a movie I just watched, but i”m scared she will think it is weird that I come out of my room all day, and ask her about a movie i just watched.) I’ve tried to tell my dad that I am uncomfortable around them, and said that it is uncomfortable for them too. NO fix. also when i am not around them it is hard for to like even talk to them. So when I hungry or they call me out for food I just sit there thinking while im making food. I think about how im being selfish (or there thinking im selfish about just eating and not thinking about them.) So I am not focused on the food I am focused on them. And this makes me very slow to walk around and do things. And my dad calls it wired in a nice way. he things I have a disability. I have tried to talk to them about it. sometimes it goes well and the anxitey just goes away from venting to them. but it doesn’t really change things.
I did not live with my dad when I was younger. I am now turning 16. My mom and dad were drug addicts when I was born. I was born with withdraws when I came out of the whom. (my dad got his life together.(i dont know much about it). But with my mom i went through some shit with her. And she passed away when i was around 10. didnt get to say goodbye nothing. and after that i got into drugs. weed,vaping(vaping when i was in grade 6 to 7 summer). and it just got worse. I lived with my grandma and i was taking alot of money to pay for the drugs. I was skipping school alot of it. Missed almost half a school year from skipping in grade 8. and in highschool I over dosed on xanax. I was also getting into cocaine, molly, lots of acid, shrooms, i was doing a little crack. even snorted antidepressents. After my oversdose i was in the hospital for three days. It was pretty nice i liked it there. (it was a rehab place kind of i forget what it was called.) I was really nice to the poeple there. and poeple liked me. I loved the feeling of love for period’s of time. then i got taken out of the hospitals. all of this before grade 10 this was grade 9. (at this time i was kind of strong cause i quit the weed to do well in track in grade 8. then starting going to the gym but got back into the drugs again. After all that I am completely clean. I am healthy i dont play video games. only eat healthy unless get given unhealthy food or with frirends (i have two that dont live where i live.) I lived with my grandma my whole life and when i was 13 we moved in with my aunt. They both had copd stage for so i took care of them. They didnt clean rearly cooked. Cockroaches everywere. I took care of my grandma for years of my life because she could leave the houes with out her oxygen tanks. it was hard for her really hard. shes been sent the hospital some times well taking care of me past the age of 7 and i went to go with my dad. But then my aunt died and we moved in my my ucle josh he is an asshole. didnt clean his apartment. (had no disability.) i was healthy so i cleaned up the place. one time i was complaing to my grandma that i was doing all the adult stuff in the house and he wasnt. he literately charged out of his room and came at me. I fucking started hitting him out of a reflect or fight or flight. I was beathing the shit out of him for 10 seconds. then i got scared and started slowing down. And my air pods were in so i called the cops. he didnt wanna stop. he kept going. I went to sit beside my grandma. He was trying to kick me in the balls while i was yelling at him to stop. i called my friends when i lived in london On they came fast. And they could take josh easily. so i was fine cops took awhile then they took him to the hospital for a concusion. I was fine just very bloody and shocked. he also had dogs that i took care of ( took them for walks he paid for the food and expesnes.) but i techanncly raised him and i feel good about. I was not the best to him sometimes i was cruel to him out of anger but i grew and i stopped. I treated him very well. he loves me and i love him but I dont see him. when josh got home after the hospital he was not happy. at all i have recordings of him yelling on my icloud threating to kick me out. He didnt. after while he did kick me out for not really a good reason. I left coboard doors open. And my grandma coulnt pay for gorcieres and my uncle didnt pay for them. So i was going to walmart to steal food> (oh boy i got a lot of stuff. I loved cooking i did it every day one thing i really enjoyed. i got really good at stealing too.) i got all the good stuff fish ect. this part of my life wasnt so bad. This is most of the big events and negitive stuff in my life that will be with me till i die.
​
After i got kicked out i came to live with my dad at glenco. I have never really been super comfratable with him even when i was younger. (he used to live in london and I would see him every weeked and i was just not super cofratable being myself. with other people i was totaly fine. Thinking back i wasnt even thinking about it being uncomrfatable. The people who i was doing drugs with we all just connected so esially it all happened by accident. When i quit i stopped hanging out with them.) back to my dad i was never able to be my true self around. when i was like 5 i probobly was and that is a improtant age for good health growing up. but fast forward to now. my step mom is also scared of me kind of from what happend and probobly doesnt want me around her kids. which i am fine with younger brother and middle child sister (wont give names.) i was fine with my sister untill she got older its uncomfortable around her (only when parents are around not when im with her with just me and her.) (i think she likes the feeling of power over me sometimes and just likes to intervine. shes 5) baby brother hes 1 and half love him he is super sweet and cute. I just feel comforatble around him its life he just trusts me.) (a couple times when he is with step mom its like hes scared of me which does not feel good.) since i moved here i have been just uncomfortable like very at the start i would freeze. (me and sister were outside and i was told not to play with the resistance band on the tree near maya cause it could hurt her. ( for working out.) and i was playing with it was not going to flick it to hurt her ( was flicking it in the past) and then its like she went inside and told on me for playing with to just get me introuble. then she got introuble for it. and then i smiled and my dad saw me. They both got pissed that i seemed happy. I didnt tell them. i just sat outside while they fought and made burgers. I did not want to see them at all really. i was scared. I am scared of conflict. **My grandma is narcissistic. kind of.** so i came in the house sneaky. and i just went down stairs and hid in the washroom. They were looking for me i did not answer. Until leanne came down stairs and opened the washroom downstairs which i was hiding in. and then just freaked out. She threatend to leave me dad. And i got threated to be kicked out. i didnt really care that much. like i did but i didnt at the same time. I already got kicked out was not close to them. and did not really like living there. a couple of these events happened. (one time I was trying to listen to my gut becasue my life at the time was not going well i had no friends. people in school didnt seam to like me. small school 200 people. and i just started to listen to what ever it said. and it told to me stand my ground. so i did not move out of peoples way. in my house step mom would walk by me i would not move out the way. i did this for one day. my gut wanted some alcohol. (parents were drinking) so i walked over to the alcohol. then used my brain and said that is was not a good idea. Step mom asked why i walked over the vodke and then just walked away i tried to explain what i was doing. she freaked out again. they took it like me pushing boundaries and maybe looking for power. and they were not happy at all they were like very much fighting. Things calmed down. I felt responsible but i was scared so i went up sitting on the couch and i said sorry. That didnt feel like enought i felt like i had to do more. dindn’t know what to do. I just sat there. And it made things worse. Me trying to fix things made things worse. And leanne started to freak out. and she just left the house talking loudly i cant do this anymore. And my dad stopped her. after that i kind of just stay away from them. When every i try and like go near them or be with them. I get called out for being weird. It makes me feel like shit. I feel like a bad and toxic person. i feel like ass i just want to leave and run away. Now its better but i am not like ready to be myself around them when ever i try my dad says that im being werid and not acting normal. Like idk i am supposed to act normal around my family i have almost no one. No friends no family. I suck at socialzing. (sometimes my dad takes my to london and i got out and socialize. and oh my **i feel like a new person. literley i feel so good about myself i feel like a man. I come home and i use this confiedence to talk to them about problems.** and after these boosts of feeling good they dont like it. they get used to me being weird and shy then come home outgoing and loud. idk. I feel like im doing someting wrong when i try and talk louder or improve around them. I feel wrong and uncomfratble for having good posutre around them its werid. idk what they are thinknig my mind and thoughts tell something different. Like there bad people. but then when these agurments come up my step mom says that i want their pity and im playing the victim. I heard her also tell my dad that she will always see the worst in me. idk I dont fit in anymore. idk what to do i try to think of a solution to all this that goes on with me but I dont know. I think i just needed to vent a little. I am going to talk to a therapist soon. I think my dad wants to help he just has alot going on in his life right now. rent Ect. but leanne idk sometimes i feel like she just chooses to be mad at me. We get along sometimes. but i feel like i have to do the work for her. idk i feel like they have to be taken care of by me. i have to take care of them. I know they take care of me. But idk. My dad says that my sister who is 5 he feels like she knows more then me. It just hurts my confiendece how am i supposed to life a life while im an adult if i cant talk to my family. when i am with friends and i am in london i feel fine. I feel like the own the world sometimes. but here i just feel dead. not worthmuch I just live here eat there food try and hang out with them. and cause trouble. I do the dishes and clean when I can. I dont feel comforatble watching the kids around them. so they dont trust me with them when they are not there. I feel like all of this can be fixed by just talking about it. But idk my dad tells me that i need to see a therapist and to act normal. he thinks i have a disability. i want to move out cause im 16 and i can were i live. but idk what to do about school and to pay for rent. at the same time. idk my dad feels like a friend to me (not a dad) and i dont trust my grandma. I feel like i am to much for them. my sister told me that i have to surrender to my step mom but i dont want too. its like i cant its to scary i can surrender to life and god and i feel find i can surrender to other people and i feel fine but with them idk. its just hard with them. its like they wont accept me. I understand they have their own life. idk what to do about mine. Its like all give and get with them. but giving is scary and uncfortable. if i go out there and be myself and fuck up or get evaluaded i get bitched at. idk sometimes i feel like this is all just me and not them and that I am the bad person. But read online. and see that if you have to ask then you are not so i just tell myself that i think i am a good person so i feel like a good person. They also make me feel like i have no empathy and i am antisocial. sociopath. but Idk it pains me to be one becuase how would i go and get through life if i cant feel empathy. idk what it really feels like. i can feel when someome is accually in need of it but with them sometimes i feel like they act like their hurt to see if i can feel it idk about that one. it might just be in my head. There is alot that goes in my head that I dont know if it is real or not. its like they can read my energy and see what I am thinkning when im not even near them in a other room and it is the same for them. idk I just need to vent and some advice if you read through all of that. Just typing all of this stuff just feels good i feel like there is just wieght off my chest. **Thank you for reading. bless your soul have a good and i wish you the best.**
​