Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here!

6 comments

1. I know this question has been asked a bunch on this sub in the past, but I sort of wanted to quickly poll the DOT community about their thoughts on dating someone with a roomate. The real answer comes down too a mix of context as well as personal preference of course, but I just wanted to get the general overall sense of how most over 30 would view a roommate as either a non-issue or a non-starter.

   My own personal context just to add to the conversation: I (29m) have a younger brother (25m) who currently resides in my late fathers estate. The house will be getting sold hopefully in the spring of this year and I will be renting the spare room in my 2 bedroom apartment to him as it’s mutually beneficial for both parties (plus he’s flesh and blood). We get along, it’ll help me a bit with the bills and it’ll help him as he has never lived alone and the high cost of living in our city would make it so he’d be living just under paycheck to paycheck in his current financial situation. His job at the moment is a 2 year contract where you get paid a base rate, no benefits and at the end of the 2 years they’ll either hire you full time or let you go (same one I had to do when I started at the company years ago). So moving in with me would also assure that if things go south once the contract is up, he’ll at least have a roof over his head. So hypothetically, pretend we had a good couple of dates, compatibility was there and then I explained this situation, would this impact your personal willingness to peruse a relationship further?

2. Update to [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/tYFKmCtvEp), we’re going on a date!

   I’m just reflecting on how meeting someone irl feels so foreign in the age of apps, despite it having been the norm for so much longer.

   I have no idea how old he is, what he’s looking for, and all that stuff that normally goes in an online bio. What I do know is that we have mutual attraction and irl chemistry, so the first date jitters are hitting a bit differently.

3. The moment I decided to take a break from dating indefinitely… I met someone.

   I don’t want to jinx it, but he is exactly my type (6’4 nerd with a dad bod) and so far is everything I’m looking for. We sync in pretty much all areas and I quite honestly haven’t met someone that aligned so closely on my values/goals/wants before.

   My only concern is he got out of a very long term relationship (7 years) in the latter half of 2023. From everything I can tell he has moved on and healed from it, did the therapy, and is ready to date. I guess I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop since it seems too good to be true.

   I also feel like he may be putting me on a pedestal, which has happened fairly often where men idealize me – only to later find some flaw and be disappointed. While it’s nice to hear “you’re perfect” or “you’re out of my league” it does make me conscious of that.

   So keeping my fingers crossed that we’re both just feeling a bit struck with how well it’s going and that neither of us will fuck it up.

4. I’m starting to think the imbalance of men to women on online dating apps is the main thing that makes (heterosexual) dating so miserable these days. And not just for men, which is a bit more obvious, but women as well.

   (What follows involves a lot of generalizations that don’t apply to everyone, but I think they’re broadly correct)

   While Reddit tends to overstate how much men outnumber women on the apps (I keep seeing 5:1 and 80% being thrown around), when I’ve looked it up it does seem that 60%-65% of users in the US are men, so it seems undeniable that the imbalance is real.

   For men, this obviously sucks because it makes getting women’s attention very competitive, where small things that normally wouldn’t matter might make the difference between a woman matching or not, or continuing texting or not, or agreeing to a date or not. It also means typical women are stretched thin with tons of matches, and thus more likely to be flakey and less likely to give guys they’re unsure about a chance.

   But for women, I actually think this makes online dating suck as well *because of the behavior this imbalance incentivizes in men.* Lots of very conventionally attractive men seeking casual sex will match with women who are “below their league” because there aren’t many women in their league seeking casual on the apps. Many of them will also lie or mislead about their dating intentions because, again, their options would be too limited otherwise. If there were an equal number of men and women on the apps, there would be less reason to use these immoral tactics. I’m not justifying what they’re doing at all, just analyzing incentives here. And then this cascades down where men at every level of attractiveness, especially those seeking casual sex, match with women “below their league” and employ misleading tactics.

   So what happens is that women get matches from men who are, superficially at least, out of their league. They’re flattered and thrilled, but then these guys are only interested in casual sex. Some are honest, some lie, but either way the women feel like they can’t find guys looking for something serious. But it also has the side effect of making many women start to (consciously or subconsciously) think they are in a higher league than they actually are, and so they start swiping left on guys they may have found attractive had they met IRL. I know this may seem like I’m criticizing women, but I’m not. I think this is a very natural psychological reaction, and men would do the same if the tables were turned. This is bad for women seeking serious relationships, since they’re missing out on potentially better matches while being frequently manipulated or simply not getting what they want.

   I’m not saying an equal gender balance on the apps would solve all problems with modern dating, but I think modern dating would be a lot better for both men and women if the balance was more equal.

5. I told my boyfriend of a year if things continue to go as well as they are, which I anticipate they will, I want my future to include him. He said time will tell – things are good with us right now. And he told me to stop worrying.

   This is the same boyfriend who has a hard time expressing feelings. In a year he’s said “I care about you a lot” one time and won’t say I love you although I’ve said it to him a couple times now.

   I’m crazy about him and I don’t want to be with anyone else, but the fear of the future is killing me. (30F/37M)

6. Met the most breathtaking woman I’ve talked to in years. Intelligent, practical about it, very down to earth, kind, good humor, and very beautiful. No idea if she’s single, but no rings.

   But we met in a setting where it would have been inappropriate for me, and highly unprofessional for her, to suggest a coffee date or something like it.

   Sigh. Frustrating.