It feels like a complicated situation. Growing up I was exposed to a lot of sexual and physical abuse of my mother by my father. Its not something I talk about, I did some therapy in college but apart from that I try to forget it. My mother has passed and my father I don’t care where he is.
I have tried to move on and while I still feel very vulnerable during sex and with a man at times, I have been able to build a good relationship and sex life with my boyfriend
Recently he has hit on a few words/phrase that is very similar to something I used to hear my father tell my mother a lot if she was resisting sex.
It gave me a strong physical reaction which he could tell but he didn’t pick up on the mental reaction I had.
He doesn’t know why I have the reaction but he’s been triggering me more and more and its causing me a lot of anxiety and I know I have to tell him but its so hard to talk about this and also I know he will feel terrible for making me feel this way even if he didn’t know.
How do I tell him?
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Could you write him a letter? I remember when my mum told me about her eating disorder, she couldn’t bring herself to say the words so she handed me one and sat there while I read it. I always thought if I had to share something I was worried about talking about I would do the same, as you can write it at your own pace and while clear headed to get everything in you want and edit it as many times to get the wording perfect.
Are you still in therapy? Maybe you could bring him in for a session. Having back up when you express something traumatic to your partner may be helpful.
I used to worry about my wording as a child into my teenage years. So much so, I couldn’t always participate in my families discussions, which were always very fast paced. But I had a great example, my younger sister. She always talked and talked and talked and sometimes made mistakes or chose her words poorly, with her needing to rephrase. One day it clicked, nobody else seemed to be bothered by her picking the wrong words and her having to correct herself, they usually didn’t even notice. Ever since, I just didn’t bother picking the exact right nuanced word, it was liberating, even though it cost me a few months to change habits.
But if and when word choice does really matter, I would also go to pen and paper. The conversation that will follow, I can use whatever words and correct myself, just like I normally do, because the bit that could hurt the other because of wording, has already been said via paper. If the person I was writing to was very much visionally orientated, I would let them read it for themselves, if they were auditory orientated, I would read it to them.
If he doesn’t know about your triggers, you are going to end up getting mad at him for something that has nothing to do with him. That’s not good for a relationship. I think you have to tell him something, even if you’re not ready for the full story.
Then tell him because guys don’t know about this stuff if you don’t tell them and if he knows that he won’t trigger you
Tell him you have something to tell him that’s hard for you to say aloud and text it to him while you’re together in person. Make sure to tell him he’s not in trouble
He loves you. He will understand. Your happiness and satisfaction are of most importance to him.
He may be a little taken aback at first, but he will be happy that you told him. He doesn’t want to hurt you, especially during something as intimate as sex.
I’d say 90% of guys that got a list of words their partner hated to hear during sex would mean
Those words would be memorized very quickly
The more you share the easier it is to get why but I’d be happy with them on a post it note
You need to let him know. Now. Or else it’s going to fester and REALLY cause problems. A letter may SEEM impersonal, but it’s something that is tangible, he can go over several times, until he fully understands the situation.
Tell him you need to write something down for him to read, something that is difficult for you to talk with him about right now, face to face. Give him the letter with a promise that he’ll read it alone, and, when he’s done, you will sit down and talk to him about it.
I agree with other commenters that communication is absolutely key. As an autistic person, I have a difficult time with non verbal cues which is why I’ve always emphasized the need for what most people may consider as “over communication”.
My question for you is, when he noticed your physical reaction, did he stop or is he continuing? Is he making sure you’re ok, or is he completely oblivious as to what he’s doing?
Show him this post? Or write a letter. Either way it’s something he can read without you needing to find a way to start the conversation with him.
So, you sit him down during a moment when you are not engaged in any sort of sexual activity and you just simply tell him. “Honey, there is some things about my past that you don’t know about, and its only because I am not comfortable talking about it. And I still am not, but, the other night when you said X, Y, and Z, that kinda triggered me with regards to this stuff from the past. Now, I know you didn’t know, so I don’t blame you at all. I want you to understand that. How could I when you couldn’t have known. However, I need you to not do the thing. I will probably eventually tell you all about this stuff, but I am kinda new to this, so I need to ask you for your patience and understanding and to not push me to tell you things I am not ready for. In return, if this situation comes up again, I will be sure to address it with you in the moment so it doesn’t stew.”
You don’t have to tell him why you’re feeling this way, but you have to tell him to stop saying these things. Letting him trigger you will make you feel terrible and resent him. Don’t do that to you or him.
Maybe something like “Hey, when you say …….., that reminds me of someone I only have really bad memories of. I don’t wanna talk about it right now, but can I ask you to stop saying this? It takes me out of the moment and brings the bad memories back on. I’d rather be there in the wonderful moment with you.”
You’re going to need to be more specific because it really depends on what the words and phrases are. if it’s something common like “potato” then yeah that’s on you, absolutely do not tell him to never use the word potato, you have to get over it on your own. If it’s something more harsh/sexual that’s ambiguous then you can have a talk with him, but yeah can’t really give you advice based on this post
You could ask him not to use the phrase and just say you have a bad memory associated with it but you’re not comfortable discussing all the details.
“hey can you not say that it makes me uncomfortable”
Dear bf could you not ——— during sex. It makes me uncomfy
One of the first things i tell sexual partners is please dont say ‘this trigger phrase’ because i was raped and the rapist said that phrase many times. Its not unusual to have a hanging like that and im sure he will understand if you explain. You can have a kiss and a hug and get past it. Its gonna be okay, just tell him! Best of luck to you.
You just have to tell him. There’s no easy way to talk about trauma except head on. Since he knows nothing about it and the abuse you witnessed as a child you’ll have to explain it to him and how it makes you fell. Just be honest and forthright about how and why it makes you feel the way it does.He may feel bad that he has triggered you, but he can definitely correct those actions and words if he knows about it.
With something like this there isn’t really a good way to tell it. If you feel too anxious to tell him alone, then you could always set up a counseling session for you both as a couple, so you have a professional to help guide the conversation.
Break up with him. Immediately, if not sooner.
Just think of it this way, he will be hurt even more if years down the road he is just now figuring this out instead of right now. It’s also going to hurt you. It shouldn’t affect your relationship in a bad way unless he takes it the wrong way.
Just talk to him. If he is a good bf you will feel better, bottling in emotions isn’t a good idea and will eventually ruin your relationship.
I went through this exact situation and I wish I hadn’t waited over 2 years to explain. There are a couple key words that trigger me that were said during my assault in a different language. For some reason my bf kept saying one of those words over the years (not to me just in general) and I wasn’t very firm when I asked him to stop saying it and instead I just shut down and he would think something else triggered my shut down. A few weeks ago I had a full blown meltdown and I literally screamed at him that I was assaulted and that word was said over and over and it broke me every time. He was so hurt that he was causing me pain unknowingly because when I asked him to stop saying that word it came across like me saying “ugh don’t say moist I don’t like that word”. I made sure he didn’t feel like he was walking on eggshells but made it very clear that those words hurt me and it’s very easy NOT to say it since it’s not part of our daily vocab. Just sit and talk to him, you don’t need to get into details but If you feel comfortable broaching the topic of abuse and triggers with him it might help him realize the gravity of the situation and his words.
You gotta be honest with him, as someone who also was sexually abused it’s hard to talk abt it. Be honest and if he doesn’t get it, fuck him. he’s not the one, but i’m sure he will. Everything will be fine
I’m so sorry this is your story. Trauma sucks.
Start with how happy you are with him, that you feel safe when you are intimate with him. Then get into the, “This is hard for me to talk about, so please let me get it all out before you respond. I realize that there are some phrases that take me back to my abusive childhood. I need your help to not be reminded of that awful time. Please be mindful and not use the phrases, “…”.
I like the letter idea Nox_VDB suggested. I would however, use the letter to get it out so that you have the words and phrasing to have the conversation.
What I know about good men is that they want to make their partners happy. If he says he feels bad, a simple, “You didn’t know and I’m upset at my dad, not you.” should help with that. If he ever uses a phrase in anger, break up on the spot. But there is a high chance he’ll hug you and be mindful going forward.
Good luck.
You need to tell him ASAP.
If I was unknowingly triggering my partner I would feel like absolute shit when I eventually find out about it. If he loves you and cares about you, he will want to make sure he’s not hurting you.
When my partner and I accidentally say something that triggers the other (if we don’t know about it) we tell each other immediately.
I’m sure he will want to know to make sure he’s not hurting you. Maybe try to bring it up when you’re both in a good state of mind “Hey bf, I wanted to talk about when you said X the other day, because of my past I find it triggering and would like you to stop”.
Good luck xx
Hello my darling. First of all I am so proud of you for seeing your trigger and understanding it. Second of all, you need more therapy.
Think of these things like deep cuts. As a child and into your adult years you piled bandaids on top of them to try to cover them and stop the bleeding. The problem is the wound is still there and it’s not healed. You will still bump into those painful spots and injuries and it brings everything to a halt. If you do not tell people those injuries are there they could touch them without knowing it. If you do not find someone, *a trained professional*, to help strip away all these old bandages and let the wounds heal it could become infected and seep into everything.
You can heal. I promise you can heal and more than that my darling girl, you deserve to heal. You deserve to not walk through life being afraid and in pain. You deserve to have a big whole beautiful life. Because one day you’ll see a girl like you and tell her what I just told you. She will need you to tell her that she too deserves a big beautiful life. RAINN is an excellent place to start.
If you don’t want to tell him everything, you can always sit him down and say something like “Hey, during sex you said X, Y and Z. You noticed I really wasn’t into that and I’m not. I’m not prepared to talk about why, but I’m asking that you not say those things during sex again because this is hard limit for me.”
If he’s a good guy, he’ll immediately understand and stop.
If he’s not a good guy, you’ve learned something invaluable about him.
Fwiw, I had a physically abusive upbringing. During sex a guy slapped me on the ass during sex. I immediately grabbed his wrist in a bruising grip, stared him down and in a very firm voice said “You don’t ever do that again, understand?” He looked VERY contrite and agreed, never again.
Afterward, I sat him down and explained a few things to him. “Do not EVER hit anyone, during sex, without their express permission, gained ahead of time and with safewords. You try it again, I’ll give you a black eye and kick you out. My safe word is ‘I will crush your balls, understood?'”
Needless to say, he understood.
Tell that to my lactose intolerant friend who shit herself at work.
You need to be honest with him, this isn’t good for your mental health and it’s going to deteriorate even more if you continue on like this.
You should probably go back to therapy, you’re not dealing with it very well
Tell him
And instead of telling him you’re making a reddit post… eh…
Wait so, what’d he say?
Tell him when he makes you cringe. Don’t need to say why. Hopefully he learns. If he doesn’t, leave.
Write it in a letter and make him read it right there with you and be courageous and only answer questions you feel comfortable with!
Tell him the basics and let him know that you’ll share the full story when you feel ready to do so. I think being honest will be the best way to go. However, don’t share what you aren’t ready. You can just say something along the lines of “I witnessed a lot of abuse growing up and, although I am not ready to share the full story, these are the words that trigger me”. Somebody already mentioned it but you could write him a letter and sit by him while he reads. Don’t feel pressured to share everything yet. Just tell him that you enjoy being with him but that there are things that trigger bad memories. You can even push him to do some research on ptsd or victims of abuse. Hope this helps! You truly deserve a relationship where you feel comfortable to express your needs and what makes you happy. Furthermore, I think you can go to therapy together or you can start by going alone. Therapy is for everyone but specially for people who are going through roughly times and sounds like it could really help you right now. Best of luck!
Write a diary entry. Ask him to read it while your go take a walk.
If you want to immediately feel closer to him and him to you, start the conversation with him.
If it makes you feel better to only talk about it a little at a time that is ok. Give him a snippet then allow each of you to discuss it and allow him to support you.
If he is any kind of man at all, this can draw you both closer together. Unfortunatly, it can’t fix your trauma but he needs to know what triggers you and why.
If he care about you at all he will begin to support you in way he never has before.
What you have to do is give him instructions on what supporting you looks like for you!
Remember, he is a guy, and we can be pretty dumb when it come to things like this so don’t be subtle.
Good Luck and this may add a big boost to your relationship where you may think it will have a negative impact.
Sorry this ended up being a long post!
I suffer from CPTSD and I have a quite a few triggers from a few different incidents. Trauma from a bad car accident, trauma from witnessing one of my best friend’s dying and trauma from an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship to an alcoholic.
While I feel more comfortable sharing with my boyfriend and he is fully aware of a lot of my trauma and struggles (absolutely, do you, no need to share what you aren’t comfortable with sharing) he definitely triggers me sometimes, out of no fault of his own.
It doesn’t happen super often, but when I’m triggered with him it’s usually about my abusive ex. The way that I explain it so he knows it isn’t something he is doing wrong, is to compare it to my trauma from my bad car accident. I explain something to the effect of : “I can fear for my life in an average car ride, even if nothing is going wrong. My fear and panic isn’t warranted in those moments, but it’s there none the less. Not the fault of the car, just the fault of my jumpy nervous system and fear responses.” And then I’ll continue with whatever I was triggered by, for example: “when you came home after drinking a beer, I could smell the alcohol on your breath. When my ex did that it meant I had to protect myself, so I got very triggered and didn’t feel comfortable anymore. I know you wouldn’t do anything unsafe to me, but my fear response kicked up anyway. Maybe next time you drink a beer, could you please brush your teeth before kissing me?”
That is how I frame it so that i know he understands he isn’t doing anything inherently wrong, but I would feel more comfortable if he shifted his actions/words a little.
While you don’t need to explain your history to him, it would be very helpful, if not necessary, for you to explain that you have some triggers and give him an idea of what topics to avoid, types of things to not say to you or maybe (if there are any) some alternative ways of phrasing a statement that aren’t triggering.
For me, it is extremely helpful that my boyfriend knows I struggle with these, since when I happens I can bring it up immediately (or within a couple of days, atleast) and I know he has a base understanding of what I’m struggling with.
Explaining this to him will be hardest the first time, but if a new trigger pops up later, I promise, it becomes easier to talk it through. Also, having someone understand and allow space for you to heal through these triggers, can be so healing in and of itself!
I’m sorry you have to go though all this, I hope your triggers become easier to deal with in time.
You say he could tell you had a strong physical reaction, yet he keeps doing it. Can he not tell it was a negative reaction?