I seem to have an irrational fear of losing my husband only a little over a year into our marriage. Although, the more I’ve thought about it, it may not be as irrational as I thought. Out of the 9 couples in my family (not including ourselves, but couples I looked to growing up), 4 have lost their spouses prematurely. Most were older, by the time their children were at least pre-teens, but my father tragically lost his wife* to a routine work commute within the first year of marriage. Even my father-in-law lost his dad when he was in the early days of college, so fairly young. I also lost a young, unmarried 3rd grade teacher to a sudden heart issue overnight, and had a college classmate die in a shooting a month into our freshman year, so I’m not naive to the possibility of life being cut short.
As much as I truly believe it’s improbable, I cannot shake the feeling that it’s far from impossible. It doesn’t haunt my every footstep, I don’t lose my mind every day that he leaves for work, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I breathe a huge sigh of relief and give a little happy dance every time he walks in the front door. And in some weird way, I’m grateful for the fear. I cry semi-regularly thinking about what my world would be like if I lost my husband and best friend, but am immediately filled with gratitude every time when I look over and see him next to me. He’s a ridiculously good, kind, patient man, and my very best and closest companion. I’ve loved him from the moment I met him, although it took me nearly 5 years of friendship to admit it! I unintentionally live most of our days like they could be our last together; not to say that every day is an adventure, but just that in the grand scheme of things, the most important way I could spend my day is loving him and being loved. I’m not saying I’m 100% the best wife or that our marriage is perfect but…it’s as darn close as I could ever hope it to be. Does anyone else feel the same? Is this a rational fear, or do you think it’s an unhealthy way to view our love? To those who have lost a spouse, what advice would you give to those of us still married?
*important to note his first wife is not my mom. The woman he later remarried is my mother, so it’s not lingering trauma from also losing my mom.