I have been with said fiancée for 10 years. We grew up together and are best friends. I found out yesterday that he’s been seeing someone else for 3 weeks. This is entirely unlike him, he has never shown me anything to lead me to believe he’s that kind of person. He’s very sweet and everyone who knows him would describe him as the nicest person they know.
For the past month he’s been distant but he just got promoted at work at moved to a store 40 minutes away. so I figured he has just been busy. I myself just started my own business and have been busy as well. The past week or so I’ve been feeling like something was off and one day he was acting very depressed and I tried to comfort him. I asked him what was wrong and he said “he was confused” and “not a good person anymore”. Alarm bells went off in my head and I pressed him more why he didn’t think he was a good person. He just said he wanted more alone time lately and was feeling guilty about wanted alone time (a lie I know now). I told him I love my alone time and I know I get more of it than him (he works late and I play elden ring and read) and to not feel guilty. We’ve lived together so long it’s okay to need time apart. Of course at the time I didn’t know he was cheating. He embraced me and it was nice, even though now I know why he was really feeling guilty.
That was Tuesday. So then this Wednesday he opens his store and works until 10 pm at night. This isn’t unheard of for him but seems excessive to me still. I cook dinner and text him when he thinks he’ll be home. “I left 20 minutes ago” great! That means he’ll be home in 20 more minutes. About an hour passes and I text asking if there’s traffic. No answer. Another hour passes and now I’ve texted him like 10 times and called him about 14 times. In my mind he’s been in an accident and that’s why he’s not answering the phone. I’m about to start calling hospitals when he comes home finally 2 hours and 20 minutes late. I’m crying because I was genuinely worried he died. I yell at him and he apologizes and I ask him where the hell was he if traffic wasn’t that bad. He says he went to get his energy drinks for the next morning (he does do this) and a drunk man asked for a ride home and he got caught up talking to him and lost on the way back (gps exists but okay). This is also not unlike him, he’s done it before even though I wish he wouldn’t. We go to bed and we both can’t sleep. I should’ve confronted him that that interaction would have only taken an hour and a half at most and that’s lenient. So what did he do for the other hour? He also can’t sleep which is suspicious to me. He doesn’t eat his dinner.
Thursday he goes to work at 7am. I couldn’t take it so I texted him I know I have no proof but I just feel like he’s cheating on me. I listed the reasons why and even felt guilty accusing him of it. He admits to everything. Tells me her name and I look her up. She’s married with a kid. He says it’s been going on 3 weeks and they’ve only made out. Which I know it’s stupid but I do believe him. I won’t go into details why. Still having an emotional relationship with another women for three weeks hurts more than if he just slept with someone once. I ask a bunch of questions and he seems to be answering honestly. I know I can’t trust him now but I know him and he sounds genuine. He said he broke up with her and she asked to see him one more time and that’s what he was doing Wednesday night when I thought he was dead in a ditch somewhere. They were breaking things off, he admits he kissed her that night too. I’m heart broken obviously. He sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants. Like he’s not going to fight to stay with me.
Today, this morning I text him while he’s at work and he calls me. He’s remorseful and apologetic (he was yesterday too) but today he does sound like he wants to be with me. I was sure this morning I was going to kick him out. Now I’m unsure. We’ve spent 1/3 of our life together. We’ve gone through a lot together. I told him I’m not sure what I’m going to do but we’re not engaged anymore at the very least. I can add more details in the comments if allowed.
Should I leave him? How should I proceed?
27 comments
Uh yeah you leave him. 3 weeks isn’t a slip up. That is a series of conscious choices. Even IF he isn’t lying, forgiving him essentially send the message that it was fine
Unless you plan on never marrying. But then what’s the point? Find someone who respects you and is happy to have you, not this turd
So first off your partner _is_ the kind of person who would do this, because he has done it.
Secondly, its solely up to you if you stay together or not.
You need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this. You need to talk about your wants needs and feelings, each of you. You need to establish what your boundaries in the relationship are, because him saying it’s “only” making out is neither here nor there imo as I’m assuming kissing other people would be a boundary for you anyway and crossing a boundary is crossing a boundary.
Even if you do decide to stay with him I wouldn’t be in a hurry to move forward with wedding plans until this is straightened out. You need to know why he did it and have some kind of assurance it won’t happen again if monogamy is important to you in your relationship.
It sounds like you had a good 10 years while dating him.
>This is entirely unlike him, he has never shown me anything to lead me to believe he’s that kind of person.
And maybe he wasn’t like this before or maybe he’s just been better at hiding it from you. Either way, he IS like this now.
Don’t stay with him because of the person and relationship that only lives in your memory. Break up with him for the person he is NOW.
>He sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants.
What he wants is his cake and to eat it too. He wants to keep you as a security blanket. He’s too afraid to be on his own or to give up the safety of dating you. What he wants is to stay with you until he finds the proverbial greener grass – whether it exists or not, he’ll keep searching.
You aren’t his endgame. You’re his monkey branch and consolation prize until something better comes along – and you know it based on what you wrote and the language you used to write it.
Leave him.
I think you know that you should leave him, too, but you’re scared of the change. Understandable! You’ve known him since childhood. He’s a big part of your life and breaking from that is scary. ***But*** he broke your trust and openly broke the rules of your partnership. He lied to you for nearly a month and made the choice to cheat on you day after day. Clearly, he doesn’t respect someone else’s marriage, so why would he ever respect yours?
You aren’t married. Be thankful you found this out before that happened. Take time to accept it and understand that you need to go. If he is acting this way now it will only get worse. There is no guarantee for you that this affair will actually end like he says it has.
Counciling is a good start. Clearly you two need to talk and see why he did this. It is important to see why it happened and what had to be done to stop it from happening again.
The fact that there was no sex tells you that there is a line he didn’t and wouldn’t cross. You two have a lot vested in this relationship. Do you want to blow it up for something he ended and he confessed to?
Good luck.
Never play the pick me game,
You need to go no contact with your spouse. Till he decides if he still wants to be a relationship with you.
Also affairs only survive in the darkness. Put everything public on Facebook, Tag him tag him, tag his family tag the woman.
If no Facebook call and let his family know.
He gets no communication and no affection till he decides. Yes or no answers.
If he does pick her show him the door, at least you know his true intentions.
This is not to drive him away, this is to see if he is really committed to your relationship.
And no trickle truth, you need to find out the full extent of the affair. All the details so you can heal.
I have noticed a pattern on reddit. Most women who get cheated on describe their partners as kind, loving, bestfriend, best person they know, not a type of person who can cheat etc. Only a small number of women say that their partner was abusing or neglecting them before the cheating. No matter how long you have known anyone, you never know what they are capable of. In all honesty leaving at 28 after spending 1/3 of your life with someone is a better option than being left at 40 after spending 1/2 of your life with same person.
Walk away. Never look back.
Of course you should leave him. Do not stay with this trash man.
Honestly, don’t marry him, and find her husband and tell him too. He deserves to know
You need to leave him he wasn’t going to tell you about this ever and he’s only fessing up because he knows you know. You also need to contact her husband and let him know what they were doing he deserves to know.
He tells the woman “we need to break up,” but she says “come kiss me one more time” AND HE DOES!!! At the very least, take a break from him. I mean, separate if you can. He needs to make some damn decisions. And so do you.
You’d be an idiot if you stayed
I hope you won’t continue with this guy.
The creativity this man got in his gaslight is nect level.
Buying energy drink and driving homeless people.
This man know you better then anyone else and this combo is a big reason for you to end it.
Dont trust anything he tell you!
Leave him and tell her husband
Bullshit on his part. You have no reason to believe he only kissed her. That’s almost certainly a lie.
He didn’t come clean to you. You figured some of it out. Now he’s giving you just enough information to keep you in the hook.
You’ve given a third of your life to him. Great. Now you have another 50 years to give yourself instead. Don’t waste it on someone who is willing to do this to you. He lied and lied and lied straight to your face.
This was not an emotional affair, don’t fool yourself. It was a real and physical affair with two very adult people who saw each other more than once.
Your lives are intertwined now, but you’ll be surprised at how easy it is to separate everything that ties you together once you make the decision.
He has treated you so, so poorly.
What’s to stop him from continuing this behavior with her or the next shiny thing that comes across his field of vision? He now knows he can get away with it until you find out, and that you’ll forgive him if he says it didn’t go too far and is a mistake and he so sorry.
You already know.
Updateme!
I think this relationship ran its course and it’s like one of those teenage romance things that should have ended a long time ago.
Bullshit they “just” kissed. You don’t show up 2 hours and 20 minutes late from “just kissing”.
Leave him, he does not respect you and you deserve better than him.
I would ask him if you can talk to the side chick. I mean he’s only telling one side of the story and their is always two.
He’s been lying to you for three weeks. I highly doubt he’s being honest when he says it was “just kissing.” Even if it was a 3 week affair is not a one time mistake. It is multiple decisions to betray you day after day with each meet up and text. You need to decide if you can ever trust him again and if you can is it even worth the effort?
Leave him. He’ll do it again knowing you will keep forgiving him. That cycle will never end. Leave while it’s early. Don’t waste another decade and realize down the line you should’ve left now
Leave him. You’ll never trust him fully again and he won’t respect you if you stay.
I think you’re doing the right thing. You don’t have to leave him right now if you don’t want to, but slowing things down, and no longer being engaged is a good “cooling off” move.
Just because you don’t leave him now doesn’t mean you can’t leave him in 6 months if you can’t work things out.
If you feel he’s not going to fight to stay with you, and you’re unlikely to fight to stay with him, then the relationship is effectively over at that point.
The problem with cheaters isn’t just that they’ve cheated, it’s that you’ll never trust them again. I know that’s how I feel, I might be able to get past a cheating incident, but I’d never trust that person again, not ever.
People say you can’t have love without trust, and maybe that’s true, I don’t know, but if trusting your partner 100% is a big deal for you, then forget it, you’ll never trust him again.