I have this friend who I really connected with in grad school. Like from the first day we met, her body language and the way she was so tense and reserved and the way she spoke, I could instantly tell she’s been through things I have been. So I naturally gravitated towards her, and we became good work friends, competing in a healthy way and pushed each other to become better. We both applied for the same scholarship and now are abroad in the same country, 1 year apart. She graduates this year, and me next year.
Anyway, I really felt I could connect to her and thought we could become closer because a part of me really wanted to connect with her because she and I have been through the similar traumas. So I would check in with her and try to initiate conversations to gain more depth only to be met with a strong wall. I understood and respected her boundary and backed off. But when I distance myself from her, she comes back to me and gets a little vulnerable and when we connect a bit more, she runs away again and blocks that connection. I let her. And I don’t push for it. So I distanced myself again. She came to visit me a few months back, and we had a great casual time as friends.
This weekend, I went to visit her and I felt very strongly pushed away. I felt a very strong sense of “don’t get any closer” from her. For example, I wanted to take a photo of her and post it to my story like I do when I’m hanging out with friends, and she resisted that. And she didn’t post me. She has never taken photos with me except once and that too when her BF asked her you’re so close to this one person, how come you don’t have any pictures together? She told me this. And this time, she didn’t take any photos with me. Except one selfie and that too when I asked her that I wanted it as a memory.
Strangely, this time was also the time where she talked to me about her familial trauma in bits and pieces and I shared mine to build that connection again. But she would say it while fully immersed in watching TV and not making eye contact with me at all. And when I would share my familial stories, she wouldn’t look at me. It’s like she dissociated. I’ve never experienced this with anyone ever before. Like in my head, I just wanted to have a good time with my friend and she’s leaving in a few months and I won’t get to see her again and I wanted it to be special, the last time we spent together. But it was so strange. She was so cold and distant and non-chalant. I felt like I couldn’t be easy around her because I felt like she didn’t want that and had to make sure, I was within a certain limit.
I don’t understand what just happened. What do I make of this? Did I do something wrong? It was quite hurtful.