26F asking for advice honestly. My fiancé has all guy friends, and I’ve noticed since the beginning that they all kinda treat him like the pack mule and really just like the little b of the group. It sounds bad but it’s true. They expect him to do whatever they want, when they hang out, he’s expected to always bring drinks and gets ragged on when he doesn’t (even if they never bring drinks). They make mean comments about him to his face under the guise of “jokes” and he’s even told me sometimes they hurt his feelings. I’ve even had other people tell me they’ve always kinda treated him like that and were kinda mean to him. They’ve been friends for years, like middle school.
I guess I’m just curious. Is that normal in guy friendships? It just seems unhealthy to me, but I have never been in that situation.
38 comments
Some folks get stick in a shit dynamic and never leave because they can’t imagine being able to replace the friend group. It’s not just guys and not every group has such a clear punching bag but….dude keeps going so why would anything change?
Sounds like they’re just users and you have your answer. My friends are nothing like that, and we’ve been friends since elementary or middle school.
>Is that normal in guy friendships?
Nope, if we picking on eachother it is a free for all, if they all are targeting the same person, something is wrong.
It’s not normal for me and I would never tolerate that kind of behaviour from my friends.
Sounds like he’s got a shitty friend group. I would never expect my boy to do something I wouldn’t also do. If he got the drinks this time, then I got them next or Visa Versa.
Dudes definitely give it to each other up front a bit more than girls do, so maybe on that part he just doesn’t give it back. However if he verbally said it hurts his feelings, I would be the one to tone it back on that part.
He either needs to grow a spine with them, or move on from them. Probably the later if they really disrespect him as much as you have stated.
We roast each other that’s normal, but that sounds like bullying
I had friends from high school like that. Took me until my 30s to realize they didn’t treat me right, even after girlfriends and others told me they weren’t really my friends.
Now I have friends I choose to be around. I can always no longer be friends with these people too if they can’t treat me with respect.
Getting roasted by your boys is normal and actually helpful cause they will say what’s on their mind even if you think differently. But making your man do stuff for them all the time is not normal
I’m sure none of us want to say it’s “normal” but I don’t think this kind of shit is rare either, unfortunately.
I sincerely hope he finds it within himself to stand up and tell these guys to fuck themselves.
WE TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT US.
None should be a part of such a circle where they mistreat you & use you for your resources or humility. Your boyfriend is either emotionally attached beyond the line that he can’t see how it’s hurting him, or he’s lonely af. I recently exited a friend circle that I believed in so much for years because they slowly grew out of it & started avoiding in a passive way. Sure it hurt me, but I’m better off alone than I’m with someone who don’t respect me.
As a gf you can help him on the loneliness part. Be there for him, try communicating your perspective to him & how it’s not a good thing to be around using jerks. He’ll be a father someday and what sight will your kids have seeing their father getting bullied by toxic uncles. What impression they’ll have of him &/or themselves.
Honestly just leave. No explanations, no strings, no notifications.
Not common in my experience at all. Real friends are people who treat each other well and want the best for each other. This sounds like they are taking advantage of him. And also suggest he may be quite high in agreeablness which can be a big problem.
Not really.
My group of mates are absolutely relentless and brutal making fun of each other, but we have each other’s backs and we do the same amount of stuff for each other.
No one is singled out to do more.
Yeah no, that’s not how it’s supposed to be
This isn’t a healthy or normal friendship between guys. I’ve seen it firsthand on how one of my first close friends I met after Uni was treated by his old school “friends.” Like a doormate and it fucking burned to see it. He grew away from them as he started to find actual friends in adult life. They never grew past school, he did. I hope your BF can do the same too.
I had a milder version of this, some of the friend group I’d known since school always saw me as the person they perceived when I was in my teen years. To the point that when we met up, I got on really well with *their* Uni mates but in the original group I didn’t even exist.
I hope your fiance has friends outside of this group because it sounds like he needs to start transitioning them out of his life.
These people aren’t his friends. I’ve seen this happen in male social circles, I wouldn’t say it’s super common, but common enough that it’s an issue imo.
Tell him to ditch these fools.
To be clear, there can be a lot of shitting on eachother and friendly ribbing within a friendship group, but when it’s targeted towards one person it’s not okay.
i get banter but insults are different but culturally, i’m from a country where that doesn’t really happen when guys hang out. This sounds like he’s getting bullied and they’re taking advantage of him
Picking on each other is perfectly normal. Picking on just one guy (mildly) shows him you love him and he’s kind of like the bridge for everybody, maybe he was the first friend and everybody is a mutual friend of his.
Picking on just one guy, making him buy everything, being abusive and going too far on the jokes.. yeah somethings wrong. Your man needs to learn to box/grapple and probably fight back or find another friend group.
As a rule, me and my good friends wouldn’t ever shit on a man in front of his gf/wife.. ESPECIALLY his children. Never ever insult a man in front of his family, idc how much you hate him.
It’s the buying drinks crap and the fact that he said his feelings get hurt that is the problem. I’m in my 30s and still hang out with the dudes from middle school, and trust me I get shit on frequently but somehow there’s this dynamic where I get made fun of, but then the dude making fun of me gets made fun of, and then that dude gets made fun of, and it turns into an odd equilibrium. And we all buy each other drinks and it seems to even out. On rare occasions it escalates but again always seems to resolve itself. It’s probly the sharing of drinks that fixes everything honestly.
But coming from a dude that hangs out with old friends, I would be scared shitless of moving to a new area and having to try to make new friends. Male friendships are sorta weird.
That was my high school experience.
Daily psychological abyse, and the occasional beating (orchestrated by them) .
The reason i didnt take a gap year like all of my “friends” was because i was very keen to ditch the toxic fucks and make new friends at uni.
Guys make jokes and bash each other for fun, however there are limits and lines you do not cross.
Also jokes will be universal, meaning everyone gets teased or joked on.
If it is only your bf getting to be the butt of the joke and getting picked on, it’s not friendship they are legit taking advantage of him.
Something else is going on. But they definitely are not his friends. He is just someone they want around to shit on and get free stuff, till the ride dies.
Also groups like that be very careful with them, remove him from that group and also you yourself stay away from them, they will not be respecting your relationship with him either.
Nah. I can objectively say out of my friend group I have it the least together. They never may “jokes” that target my character. They always have done their best to raise me up and I’ve always done my best to keep up. These aren’t friends, your fiance needs new friends. Once he leaves the group will fall apart.
Nope, if he’s getting singled out for the hazing then they only keep him around because he allows it. Kinda like he had to buy their friendship the price was his dignity.
No, this is not normal. At least not in my friends circle. His friends sounds like huge dirtbags.
Everyone picking on one guy is not right or normal. Everyone messing with each other in jokes is normal. To be honest it just sounds like your fiancé has bad friends. I hope you 2 love each other till you die because he sounds horrible at making friends.
That’s not a friendship. Your fiance is stuck in a toxic relationship. You are probably the only person to give a shit about him in a long time. That’s why you can see how wrong this is.
Also you think all men have a “little b” in their friend groups? Holy shit.
Sounds like a bad situation. He could use new friends.
His friends are leeches. Real men clamor to raise their boys up when they are down.
Hmm. That sounds like my friend group when I was in Jr High. There was one kid we picked on for being chubby. But now we’re all grown men, still friends, and all a little bit chubby. Beyond some good-natured ribbing we’re good to each other.
No it’s not normal.
And his is like that because he allows it to be that way. As long as he acts like a little bitch and accepts it, they’re going to keep doing it.
I was “friends” with a group of guys when I was in middle school and high school. Around sophomore year, I realized that they only kept me around as a target because I never would defend myself. I quit hanging out with them and found new friends. Sounds like your fiancé could stand to do the same.
Hey man, been there. Once you see it, step back from playing pack mule. Healthy friendships go both ways, with respect all around.
Your guy needs new friends. There is a normal level of ballbusting in many friend groups but it usually gets spread around.
Seems like middleschool never ended for these men
Your dude needs to get out. In a group of guys you all know who the weakest member is. Every pack member has their own talents but there’s always going to be one guy who’s just not quite there. He may not be the confident or smoothest dude, but! He always shows up. And if anyone in the group needed someone to bail them out he’d be the one to show up. That’s why those guys are essential to the group! True blue dudes make great boyfriends, too. The quality of a group is determined if they embrace the true blue dude and treat him equally or if the group is full of insecure douchewarts that project their weaknesses onto him. Guy culture can be super supportive and really lift other guys up. But, if the people in charge are insecure or trying to make a buck, they’ll ruin some sweet hearted guys who are just looking to belong and be accepted. If you feel like that dude, find you a good DnD group. DnD is a great resource to finding new friends and finding social connections.
That’s not normal from my experience. Guys will roast each other sometimes in good fun. And everyone always chips in when they can or work on a turn based system when it comes to bringing stuff.
Some groups have different dynamics that may seem like they’re being mean from an outside perspective. But usually, they’ll all tell you that’s not the case.
Sounds like your fiancé’s friends bully him and mooch off of him. And if he’s openly expressing that they hurt his feelings, they’re shitty friends. I’m going to guess he’d get bullied worse if he told them how he feels, so he never brings it up. I’ve known a couple of my best friends since elementary school, and our friendship has never been like that. There were some toxic friends in my circle that as I got older, I cut out. He should try to explore new friendships or even try growing ones outside of that group that he already has.
Those are people who are using him.
hell no. I wouldn’t put up with being treated like shit. How’s his self esteem?
*”Why are male friendships like this?”*
Depends on the group.
Also pretty sure that this post breaks rule #4 of this subreddit.