My boyfriend (25m) and me (26f) been together 5 months. Everything was great at first of course. I thought that I’d never met such a genuine, sweet, honest person before. Then less than 3 months in I found out he’d been lying about a bunch of small things. When I find out he lies about something, he starts crying his eyes out and denying it, but then admits it. I don’t know why he cries like this as I don’t yell at him or say anything nasty. He says he cries because I don’t believe him. But then he admits he was lying, so to me the whole crying thing feels really manipulative because I end up having to comfort him about it even though he’s just lied to me. Anyways, here’s some things he’s lied about.
Our first time hanging out he said he had his own car and had his license. A couple months later his mom told me that he was out practicing driving with a friend. I was like why would he need to practice? She said “So he can get his license”. Turns out he never had it and just walks/Ubers everywhere.
He lost his debit card and told me a new one had just came in the mail. A couple months later I asked him something about his debit card and he said “awh well, it’s lost at the moment” I said “you lost it again? Didn’t you just get another one a couple months ago?” Then he’s like oh yeah, I never actually got a new one, I just told you I did. I’ve just been using PayPal for everything.
We first got together he asked me how I feel about my boyfriends watching porn and I said I don’t particularly like it but all my past bfs have done it. He said “oh well that’s great, I don’t watch porn! I used to in the past but ever since I met you, I deleted everything from my phone and never watched it since because I don’t feel the need to. ”
I was like oh perfect. Found out later he had hundreds if not thousands of vids/pics saved to his phone gallery, all in a separate album. I saw it sitting right next to him and asked what’s that, he said it’s not his and he doesn’t know how it got there. I told him I didn’t believe that. So he’s literally sitting there like “ummm hold on, let me think.”. He finally came up with “my computer will randomly send my phone all the photos saved to my computer, straight to my phone gallery. It also changes the date in the pictures when it sends it over, so that’s why some of the dates are from this month. But I haven’t watched or looked at it. Those are old.” Obviously that was bullshit and he ended up just admitting he watches porn, and never deleted anything, he was just trying to impress me. I wasn’t even that mad about him watching it, but the fact he came up with all these stories and lying is the issue.
He was telling me how he had been in a bunch of dating apps before we met. I asked if he ever had any luck on them, because I never had. He said he’d met a few people but nothing serious. Then said “funny story, one time I matched with a 16yr old but she lied about her age and said she was 18.” I asked what he did when he found out. Did they ever meet up? He said he just blocked her as soon as he found out and nothing happened. But I found out later they dated for a couple months, he knew the whole time her real age, and he was fine with it, even saying he was in love with her and that age doesn’t matter because relationships have gives and takes. I don’t care about his dating history, except for this. Idk if I can be with someone who thinks it’s fine to date an underage teenager when you’re in your 20s. He says he knows it was wrong but that It was complicated. When he told his friends I was upset about this, they all said I was overreacting and that it happened before we were together so it shouldn’t matter.
He also told me he deleted the dating apps but then later said he forgot to delete the actual accounts so his profile wasn’t deleted. He said he contacted the customer service via email multiple times to ask them to stop charging his credit card for the memberships. I asked to see what they said back in the emails. He couldn’t find them and then admitted he never actually contacted them, but that he really meant to do it so that’s why he said that. He payed for several months of dating subscriptions while we’re together, meanwhile he is always negative in his bank account and asking me to pay for things for him but is too lazy to just delete his accounts so they stop charging him.
There’s more, but I don’t want to make this too long.
Everytime I ask why he lies about things he just says one of two things. The first is “because I’m stupid. I’m a moron. I’m an idiot.” I hate this response because it’s like anytime he lies or does something wrong he can just say he’s stupid and that’s that. The second is “cause I don’t want you to breakup with me and want everything to be perfect.” I asked what’s to stop him from just lying to me about anything he feels I wouldn’t like? And he says he would never do that again but it keeps happening. And his reasoning is that someone can’t just change overnight, it takes time.
I feel like when we first met he just agreed with everything I said, everything I thought and everything I wanted in a relationship, to get me to like him. Does everyone do that when trying to impress someone?
Everytime I voice an opinion about something I think is wrong, he just agrees, even though he does those same things. I’m not a person who freaks out and gets mad about everything so I don’t understand his reasoning of having to lie to avoid me getting upset. Are these types of lies normal in relationships? I don’t think he would do anything major like cheat on me or something but I really don’t like being lied to, even small things.
After we got in these arguments, he’s been getting even more lovey and clingy to me than before. Constantly having to be touching, holding hands, telling me he loves me every ten seconds when we’re watching tv or something. It just feels like a lot. I’ve asked for a little space when we hangout, but he can’t be around me without grabbing me, rubbing my leg, holding my hand etc.
I don’t know what to do. Let it go? Or no?
TLDR, bf lies about little things and says it’s because he doesn’t want me to leave him. Can you trust a person who continually does that?
16 comments
All I see are red flags. Every other sentence is a 🚩. You’re boyfriend is a walking billboard for relationship red flags.
As sex advice columnist Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.
I think I would find it hard to trust him. As soon as he has started doing this he has planted the seeds for you to not trust him.
Later down the line trust will be such a huge factor that you both need. If you have any doubt it what he’s saying I’d leave.
Huge red flag for me
He is still acting like a kid, boo hoo I am sorry. You can act as his parent or move on to an adult.
I started reading this from my perspective that little white lies can be harmless. Like telling a friend you can’t hang out because you have a headache when you don’t, embellishing a story a bit, saying you like a popular movie when you’ve never seen it, etc. but the first lie he told was a big one and there was conscious, ongoing cover-up after the fact. Red flags all around. How can you trust anything he says from this point forward?
Honestly I think not having a drivers license at the age of 25 is bad enough, plus he lied about it, you should have dumped him then and there.
Again with the porn, not even that big a deal if he was honest about it, but he felt compelled to lie (And such obvious bullshit lies too!)
Then even worse with the 16 year old, I wasnt sure of the math for how old he was at the time, but way too fucking old to be dating a 16 year old.
No you can not trust him for ANYTHING, just fucking ghost him now.
Sounds like he’s a people-pleaser, desperate to make people happy and like him, but without the follow through to actually BE a good person, instead of lie so he appears to be one. He’s a manipulative liar, and you can do better.
Oof, yikes. DTMF. His desperation and immaturity are going to screw you over somehow. The love-bombing indicates that he doesn’t actually know (or care) what the problem with his behavior is, which does not bode well for character growth and future trust. You don’t want to waste your time, and you’re asking this because you have a feeling that’s exactly what this relationship will be. Cut your stress.
I had to check your ages because he sounds exactly like the guy I dated at 16.
The crying feels manipulative because it is. He likes lying, it makes you temporarily happy, he feels happy, it’s a win win as far as he’s concerned. You’ll catch him at some point, but who cares, he’ll cry, you’ll forgive him.
You’ve summarized a perpetually broke mooch who dates teenagers, (so, depending on where you live, maybe an actual rapist) and constant liar with what sounds like a pretty serious porn addiction and horrible spending habits. Would you set one of your friends up with a guy like this?
Red flag after red flag
With so many lies how do you even know if you actually know him? How do you trust a word that comes out of his mouth? Someone who lies this easily is a monstrous waste of your time and energy. There are grown up men out there, good luck!
I stopped reading after the first paragraph and everything you wrote made my skin crawl. Your boyfriend is really gross. You should definitely be concerned about this behavior, you should also be concerned about why you’re still engaging with it and why you would even consider settling for this.
Also
“…*I end up having to comfort him*…”
No. You don’t.
He’s manipulative. You’re aware of his behavior, so now you’re just allowing yourself to be manipulated.
It’s minor now, because it’s early and you don’t know each other very well. You’re dating and the relationship isn’t serious. This person in any kind of serious situation is going to be an absolute nightmare. What you’re seeing now is the tip of a massive ugly iceberg.
Nearly every sentence is a reason to run. How many more do you need?
No, you can’t. And it sounds like you already don’t. Dump his ass and walk away.
Umm what??? The first few lies were not great but dating a minor?? Knowingly??? The increased physical clinginess, the crying, all of this behavior is a terrible sign. Trust your gut and run. Everything he’s doing screams manipulative and untrustworthy.
red flags. dated a boy exactly like this, he would tell me one thing and then a mutual friend would let it slip that no, it didn’t happen that way. continued to be an issue the whole time. lied about stupid shit (no i didn’t buy that my friend gave it to me) all the way up to big shit (that’s my friend, you just don’t want me to have friends). same shit when he would get caught: crying, sobbing about how he’s broken and stupid and the worst person, admitting that i was right and he had lied. save yourself a lot of trouble and break up with him
Absolutely not. As someone who grew up with an abusive parent, I lied as a knee jerk response to avoid conflict. However, I worked on it.
That being said, he’s manipulating you. The fact that he lies could’ve been defended as a bad reflex, but the active attempts to guilt trip you are toxic. It’s gaslighting.