so i (25F) did something incredibly awful. i had a close friend (24/F) who was kind of toxic (friend for about 7 years) – i won’t go into it because there’s too much, but she considers me her best friend. basically i ghosted her and haven’t talked to her in a year. i stopped picking up her calls, replying to her messages, and texts. tomorrow is her birthday and i have been invited to all of her birthdays since we became friends. i feel so incredibly guilty for having reached a point in the friendship where my only option is to distance myself, but i just don’t want to be her friend anymore. i can’t stand the lack of respect in the friendship. but i also am avoiding confrontation because i don’t want to hurt her. i know that if i have to be honest, if i have to say every reason i don’t want to be her friend, that it will ruin her. and even though i don’t want to be her friend, i still care about her.
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when i first ghosted her i thought it was going to be a break – that i would respond to her messages after i had some distance from her. but my life honestly became so much more peaceful and better the longer i didn’t talk to her, so i kept putting it off. and i also didn’t know what to say – i didn’t want to make it a big dramatic thing where i called off our friendship and made it awkward if i saw her in mutual friend hangouts. so i thought, maybe after a break, i can come to this friendship, but decrease the level of communication so the resentment wouldn’t build. but now it’s been a year and i can’t just be like “oh sorry i was busy how are you?” and act like everything is normal. idk what to do or if i should just leave it because the last time she messaged me was in august so maybe she has moved on and messaging her around her bday will open up a wound.
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so my options are basically:
a) talk casually and apologize for ghosting, and reduce communication and the level of friendship moving forward
b) tell her i don’t want to be her friend, which i’ve never done and don’t have the guts to do and don’t even know how explain every disrespectful thing she did to me
c) just never respond again
i am honestly torn. i feel so guilty and i know i’m an awful person for doing this. but i didn’t want to hurt anyone and in doing so, i ended up hurting her anyways. please help
TL;DR; ghosted a close friend for a year. tmrw is her bday. wondering what i should do moving forward – should i message, continue ghosting, or end the friendship.