My fiancé told me today that he masturbates over our female friends and girls he’s been with casually and seriously in the past. He said he fantasises about them alone and about having sex with them. He said he does not actually want to be with them or have sec with them – it’s just fantasy and it’s fun. I’m genuinely just interested to see if people of Reddit would be okay with this in their own relationships, whether it would be crossing a line, or if it’d be classed as cheating and why? I’m conflicted because I know fantasies are normal and healthy but this does make me feel uncomfortable and jealous. I’ve told him this and he says he thinks if he changed what he fantasises about purely because of how I feel, he’d feel like I was controlling him as it’s his choice. I agree with this. However, I don’t think I can deal with him continuing to do this. I cannot imagine ending the relationship because we’re great in every other way. We love each other, have been together 6 years, live together with our dog are set to get married in 2 years. Any advice would be appreciated because I don’t know how to move forward.
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If you really want to get back at him you should let him “catch” you in the act of masturbating to a picture of Danny DeVito and see how he likes it
I would absolutely not be okay with that. It is one thing to watch porn or fantasise about celebrities, or hell even a girl he’s seen in passing. But actively fantasising or masturbating over friends/girls he knows? I think that’s so so wrong and I can definitely see how you wouldn’t be comfortable with that. I don’t know if I would classify it as cheating (maybe I would) but no matter if it’s cheating this is crossing a line and I would probably break up with him over that.
Anyone is entitled to their own fantasies, obviously, but imagining having sex with someone that you personally know well is just a step too far in my opinion.
Okay but why on earth would he ever tell you this? This is such a huge thing to drop on your partner and will make you question all of your friendships. He’s being emotionally manipulative here and purposefully inciting jealousy.
Did you ask him if he did this and does he do it regularly?
Generally it’s giving me the ick, especially fantasies about female friends. I don’t think it’s necessarily cheating, but it’s concerning behavior in my eyes; it’s honestly kind of creepy and it’s hurting your relationship. His response is telling, he won’t take accountability or work towards a solution, bc in his mind, there’s nothing wrong.
Do you want to be married to someone like this?
Jacking over people you don’t know in porn is just fantasy however over people he does know and has had relationships with indicates that he does want sex with them or hasn’t gotten over his ex’s.
How did this conversation come up?
it’s probably pretty common but he just should have never said that. All kinds of people pop into your mind when getting off, but you have control over what you tell your partner. If he doesn’t think it’s hurtful that is an issue in and of itself.
I’ve been in this situation before. My ex bf of several years was masturbating to photos of women he knew. Our sex life wasn’t the best and knowing that information really fucked with my self-esteem and mental health. I asked him not to do that anymore and he agreed not to, but of course, he still did, so I broke up with him— as that was now cheating, since we had an agreement. I was with him for three years since finding out how sexual habits, and for those three years, I was constantly paranoid he was doing things behind my back. I could maybe forgive, but I couldn’t forget. It wasn’t fun.
How you move forward is entirely up to you. If you’re not okay with this and don’t feel like you could get over it, you should leave him. If you think you’ll be able to forgive and forget, then do that. It’s totally valid for you to ask him to stop doing that, cause that isn’t a normal or respectful thing to do, so maybe only stay with him if he can respect you/your boundaries.
If you are not ready to end the relationship for one reason or another then don’t ask, you know what he is doing is not right he doesn’t respect you or the relationship. Also why will he even mention that? You deserve everything that’s coming your way In this relationship. Good luck
I wouldn’t consider it cheating but it is a huge red flag. I don’t care if my boyfriend masturbated about my female friends but why would he tell me so casually? That’s a bit disrespectful.
But why would he tell you on what he thinks when he’s tossing.
Idk but I’d rather not know because its uncomfortable af and for me that’d kill the relationship. Imagine you guys meeting a new group of friends and when you get home he wanks. Sucks
I do think that it crosses the line, maybe not cheating but not right either
I’m more curious about why he seemingly just randomly confessed this to you…
Not cheating, but I’m not sure why someone would tell their partner that information. Was he trying to make you jealous, insecure, or angry? I see these on here all the time about men and honestly people need to understand that you don’t need to express every thought/fantasy you have. Keep a little mystery in your life, damn!
Cheating is subjective to the relationship you’re in; however, this is IMO wrong on all fronts. I would never want to be with someone like this. He’s telling you straight forward he fantasizes about other people when I feel the focus should be on you, his only partner (if that’s even true). This behavior imo seems like it would lead to actual cheating. You’re not the only one in his eyes.
Oh hell no if I were you I’d be running for the hills
Ask him if he would be ok with you fantasizing about his BF or someone really close to him, his reaction should tell you all you need to know
It’s not exactly “cheating” but it’s cheating. I’d rather confront him about it or dump his ass.
If my boyfriend ever told me that, the relationship would be over that instant
I mean, as a woman who does this let me give you my perspective. I don’t watch porn and often use my imagination to get off. I will masturbate to a bunch of random people, sometimes people that just pop into my head and I’m not even that attracted to. None of it is out of actually wanting them, but merely for the diverse masturbatory fantasies.
If he masturbates to pictures and videos of them, I would be weirded out and ask him to stop. Or If he is being weird with them and taking his fantasies into their relationships, that’s where I would draw the line. But the mind wanders when you are masturbating and sometimes you just go with it. I don’t think it’s right to police someone’s thoughts.
Dude nah, him having fantasies is fine. Who he fantasizes about should just be kept to himself. Don’t know why he thought it’d be a good idea to share that information w you.
It’s not cheating but it’s gross
Its completely wrong.
Definitely a red flag. Celebrities, porn, random instagram models are one thing. He’ll never meet these people.
People that easily be a reality? That’s a red flag to me. It’s not cheating but is a big first step to it. What happens if he happen to be alone with them? Especially after some drinks
That’s completely bizarre he said that to you. He’s trying to get a reaction, and he’s getting one. Weird power play.
You know what… First of all it’s stupid thing one shouldnt tell partner about. Im usually for full transparency and I you do something shady you should probably admit it. This case is different tho. You dont really hurt other person until you tell them.
And on the other hand: I dont believe it’s healthy. It all depends on frequency. You wank one day in a year thinking about your ex, just because you fantasized about something different? Compared to other ways of looking for something different outside of relationship I must say ‘no biggie’. There is usually post-nut clarity when you remember your ex is the most annoinyg person on the planet or that it’s childlish to wank at all. Go on with your life.
But if you beat meat a lot thinking of other people I dont see how its healthy for relationship. And frequent wanking is just not healthy AT ALL, psychologically or physiologically.
I would ask him how he would feel if you did the same and if he is fine with that. Im a guy who do something like this and let me tell you – thinking like this makes me realize super fast I wouldnt want my GF to wank thinking of other guys. And frankly, if I have to do it I just try thinking of my GF. I think it works for me to focus on her as my object of attraction. But before I started to think like that it took a long-life porn/masturbation addiction. If he isnt watching porn/doing it a lot – there is silver lining.
Good luck 🙂
People act upon their fantasy, as I’ve just learnt from someone who I loved and it was with someone 200 miles away so if these girls are next door and in your life then it’s too much for me and needs to stop but it’s already in your mind so it’s going to be your problem now for as long as your with him. You can lie to yourself and says it’s fine but if you ever get married I would bet he will sleep with someone close to you before the wedding vows. But this is coming from a broken man lol so ignore
Why the hell would he tell you that?
If you thought about his friends and past relationships would he be okay with it? Probably not. Him admitting this to you was so pointless. Sometimes things don’t need to be said. It’s not cheating but it creates insecurities by telling you, and he really isn’t considering your feelings by doing so.
The most important thing is *why* he told you this. If you were both being honest and sharing I wouldn’t fuss too much. I could see it becoming an inside joke, for example. The point being I would never say this out of the blue, but I could see myself not wanting to lie to someone who I otherwise share everything with. I’d hope they understand I was only trying to be honest and that everyone has fantasies and we shouldn’t be judged for them.
Simply put, I don’t expect to be the only fantasy of my partner. By itself, that feels very controlling and narcissistic.
Why would he even tell you this? That’s so fucked up. I’m sorry but if I found out my bf was masturbating to my female friends I’d get tf outta there. I would never be comfortable being intimate with him again if he told me something like this. That’s just foul
cheating??? idk, but i would breakup with him regardless
First, cheating is defined by violating the rules set out in a relationship. Of course, you aren’t going to set out rules for every possible thing beyond the big ones (kissing someone, sleeping with someone, for some going to a strip club, using or not using pornography, etc,) so when things like this come up, you have to work through them and talk about what you are and aren’t comfortable with. The question you are asking shouldn’t be: “hey reddit, is this cheating?” You should be asking yourself: “Is this something I’m ok with?” And you aren’t. And that’s ok, everyone’s line is different.
Now, if you want to know what the average person thinks is ok and isn’t, well, that’s different (and reddit isn’t the average person). I love my partner, she turns me on, but yeah, occasionally my thoughts in my self love time go back to some kinky things I did with exes. Do I tell her this? No, but she doesn’t ask. Would she be mad? Maybe. I probably don’t want to know if she thinks about the guys that fucked her in the past, so I don’t ask. Currently, we are only fucking each other, and hey, that works pretty well, so I’m not going to get caught up in if she has a moment where she thinks about some ex.
That said, there’s also different levels to that. I might rub one out to a thought, but I’m also not looking up old photos or porn of them. That would probably cross a line in my relationship for both of us. And doing so to friends of ours, well, yeah, that’s a bit much for me. Mostly because I don’t like the idea of sexualizing someone that I/she hasn’t been in a sexual situation with but have a personal relationship with (more precisely: she can rub one out to the thought of Chris Evans all she wants, but if she’s fantasizing about our friend Chris, I’d feel pretty weird).
If you want to be fully transparent in this area of your relationship, you have to know the price of that is hearing some things you might not like. So you need to keep talking this out. Maybe ask him for a pause on such things until you can get on the same page about it. I’ll also float the idea that you may have been asking these kinds of questions to go looking for something to be mad/jealous about. Sometimes we do this as some self-sabotage, or to try to validate feelings of jealousy we know might be out of line. (I speak from experience here, I’ve set up some exes for failure by asking questions I know I should have just avoided and would have been perfectly happy not knowing the answers to). Take some time to explore what the two of you want our of the sexual side of your relationship, what it and isn’t ok for each other, and move forward respecting each other. If you find that you are unable to move past some of these feelings, perhaps turn inward to see if this is a hard line for you, or maybe it’s an overreaction to something you need to work through for yourself. Best of luck to you two.
I think you need to think less about if you can control him doing it or not and instead start thinking about how this disclosure changes the dynamic between you.
He’s someone who looks at all women as objects that he can collect as a spank bank. So I’m going to go out on a limb and say you guys are not great in every other way. He’s telling you who he is. Is being with him a long time a reason to overlook that?
If he is wanking off to people he knows, then he is not worth being around. Sooner or later he might escalate to having sex with one or more of them.
My therapist and I have had a lot of “but am I wrong to feel this way?” convos, and she said something really important to me that stuck with me forever.
At the end of the day, if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s not wrong.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable and jealous, or if you ever have a thought in your brain and it doesn’t trigger happiness, then you have your answer, and it’s OK to respect that. You first, always. Nobody else is going to put you first.
I love my partner to the moon and back, and when they come to me about needing me to change the way I approach things or whatever, I change them because I love them. If you and your feelings are less important than some sexual fantasies about other girls, is that a relationship you want to be in? Do you want to be below the totem under that?
You don’t deserve that, and I hope you can mend the situation in a safe way that respects both your feelings. Good luck!
I never done this to a female friend or any female for 10 years , i see this as disturbing and disgusting , i did this when i was a teen but now i see this as very bad and degrading , only a horny human with no values does that for fun.
If i ever fantasize about other people ,then it would be because i am forced or by being in a relationship with them.
I am not judging him or anyone but not feeling guilty about such a thing should tell you something about who he is.
Your partner is fucking retarted lol, why would he admit that
Mental
He should stop immediately
When I read posts like this I can never understand how stupid and unnecessary admissions like this can even come about in a conversation
Why’d he tell you?
Are you fucking stupid? Read what you wrote, especially the part where been together for 6 years, have a dog and plan on getting married… jesus christ, absolutely idiotic.
It’s definitely uncomfortable and I wouldn’t like it if I were you but not cheating. Sucks to hear that and I’m curious as to how this topic even came up. You can’t monitor his thoughts. I think if you aren’t willing to break up over this you need to tell him you don’t like it but aren’t demanding he stop and would just not like to hear about that in the future. Figure out whatever your boundary is.
I think it’s common to reminisce about previous sexual encounters but it’s never something you should just admit to, because of course the person you’re with wouldn’t like it. Did he just confess this on his own or did you ask?
It’s not strictly cheating but if you created a boundary around it, and he broke that boundary and kept doing it; it’s certainly slimy and could absolutely be a dealbreaker. At that point it’s going against something that actively bothers you.
For me, it’s not cheating.
The fact he even told you I think is a bit odd, I guess he doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
It wouldn’t make me feel good to hear it, but nor do I think it’s a major violation.
Rude. Just rude. I’d be insulted as all get out. Porn, where he has no contact or history with is hard enough to adjust to, knowing he’s pretending to be with them. But people you know? Why did he tell you? I’d be uncomfortable as all get out. And I’m sure my partner does the same. Seems majority of men do. But to tell you? Ask him how he’d feel if you pictured his mates running a train on you. See how he likes it
I don’t know why he told you this. And no it’s not cheating
I feel that is emotional cheating and disrespectful to you. I also feel it wil get worse if you walk down the aisle with him. The honeymoon even now should be over.
Fantasy can be anything and it is harmless but telling you about his fantasies where he imagines friends and people he knows while having sex with you is not a good thing at all. This will not sit well with anyone so your feelings are reasonable that you do not want him to fantasize your friends while he is having sex with you. He can fantasize anyone while he masturbate or have sex with you but that does not mean that he needs to expect you to be okay with this rather he needs to keep this in his head only. He is in the wrong for expecting you to be comfortable with his fantasy so ask him to read this post of yours and comments that this post gets.