And yeah, I feel just as you would imagine. But it gets worse. She lives in the US, I’m in Europe. I don’t know how to do this and really need advice.
So what happened is that months ago i got a call from a US number. Didn’t answer since I don’t know anyone there. Then again the same day, so I answered ready to yell at some scammer. A girl on the other side introduces herself and just say that she thinks I might be her father. That was the first thing she said. “Hi my name is Jane and I think you might my father.” (fake name). Obviously I told her I don’t have any children and that she has the wrong number. But then she drops a name I haven’t heard in, you guessed it, 18 years! Back around that time I was in the US for a year on a job exchange with our sister company. Met a woman there and we hooked up over maybe a few months. I remember buying condoms after meeting her but I can’t remember if we used them every time. Anyway I gave her my non-US number but never heard from her again.
The girl on the phone asks me if my name is OP and I freak and almost hang up on her. She tells me more about her mother and I just sit there like an idiot. She’d found my name and number in her mother’s diary, and now as she turned 18 she wanted to contact me. She lives with her relatives now since her mother is unable to take care of herself for some reason. I still don’t know the details there.
She ask me if I’d be willing to do an ancestry DNA test and even offered to pay for it. She ends by saying I should think about it and ask if she can call me again. I just say sure and we hang up. I swear I was about to faint right there and then. The whole conversation lasted only like 5 minutes.
I end up taking the test and we talk a few more times. The test took forever but yesterday she sent me a screenshot of her profile matching 50% to mine. I mean, that’s just it right? We havent spoken since, just messaged some. I lied and told her I’ve been busy and we’ll talk later, which now makes me feel like an ass. Up until this point I’ve kept it together, holding on to the thought that I’m probably not the dad, but now I can’t deny it. Its probably been half my life since I last cried.
I haven’t told anyone this. I was kinda hoping the DNA test would come back negative and then I wouldn’t have to. How to even break this to my family? I just know they’ll all want her number so they can call her and then they would start flying over to see her or bringing her here. They’re really pushy like that. My mom is going to freak out. I don’t see my family more than a few times a year, but we’ll all get together during easter. Should I do it then with all of them at once or one at a time? I have a picture of Jane, but not much more info than what I’ve written here. I’m the youngest sibling and now I suddenly have the oldest of the cousins in the next generation. And I never wanted kids at all. I just don’t like them and hate being tied up. Even had a vasectomy since then.
And that’s the easy part. The real problem is what to say to Jane. Can some sane person give an example of what to say? I’ve promised to call her tomorrow.
Has anyone discovered they have an unknown child? If so, what did you do? How did it go? How did you connect? What happened when you met for the first time? What did your family say?
I’m a bit embarrassed by this, but is there any risk of me having to pay child support retroactively? I can probably afford it, but I don’t really want to.
tldr: Got contacted by a young girl claiming to be my daughter, DNA later confirmed. Need help on how to proceed and what to say to her and my family.
32 comments
Child support laws are up to your country
What to say – depends on what you want to achieve. Do you want a contact? No contact? Information?
I think you should wait until you get to meet your daughter before you tell your family. If you see them rarely, they don’t need to know about her immediately.
When you do tell them, pick the one person you are closest to and go from there.
For now, get to know her.
What kind of relationship does she want with you? Are you able to give that? What are her goals for the future?
This person is a stranger. Start working on becoming her friend.
Congrats on being a father
You definitely should let your pushy family bring her out. She probably wants to get to know the other side of her family.
Well, she’s an adult so you don’t have to pay child support.
It was a long time ago, and you had no way of knowing. Nobody’s gonna hold it against you. If anything it’s kind of messed up that the mother didn’t tell you until now.
I’d say tell everybody as soon as possible. That way it looks less like you’re trying to hide anything.
Don’t become obsessed with her, but make a point to reach out on holidays and her birthday.
I’m sorry but I’m reading this and I don’t get what YOU want. You’ve talked about your family and their reactions, and what you wanted in the past blah blah blah but what do YOU want to do right now?
Do you want to be in contact with this girl or not? Do you want to be a father or not? Are you prepared to commit? And so on.
She’s 18 now at least the hardest part of raising her is over with lol. It might not be that bad, I dont think it will tie you up like you were afraid of. You have an adult extension of you floating around out there now. Might be nice.
Also since shes 18 I think you can pretty much be honest when you talk to her. Just be open about how surprised you are and how you’re not exactly sure how to move forward. I’m sure she played out all sorts of scenarios planning to contact you.
I’d do an actual paternity test but I think that the circumstantial evidence alone supports that this kid is in fact yours.
What to do?
Well, first, if you have a partner, tell them.
Next, tell your kid “listen, here are the circumstances of how I met your mom. I had no idea about you and this is quite shocking news so I apologize if I don’t get this all right on the first go.”
And then talk. Find out what she wants out of this. Take it slowly.
My husband found out he had a grown daughter, from way back before we met.
It all turned out great. She’s wonderful, her husband is too, and our family got a bit bigger, with more people to love.
The hardest parts of raising a kid is over for Jane. All she wants is to know her father. You’re not obligated, of course, but what would be the down side? She doesn’t need a kidney, does she?
The child support question is for a lawyer. But your post makes you sound like kind of an asshole. You’re so worried about how this is going to affect your life that you haven’t even reached out to your daughter. You’re still trying to mentally get out of responsibility for this (“can’t remember” if you used birth control every time? It doesn’t matter, you made a kid!).
She’s had to deal with not having you in her life for 18 years. Yes, your life is about to change. But it will change so much less than if you had been her dad from the beginning. She’s just a girl trying to figure out where she came from. Tell her you want to know about her life and who she is and that you will meet with her if she wants.
I don’t know if you owe her child support legally, but morally, try your best for her. You’re her dad. Be there for her how you wish your parents could have been for you. It sounds like you don’t have the best relationship with your parents, so I understand the feelings of panic; you might not know what being a good parent looks like. Just try. That’s the main part – just show up and try to be good.
WOW, I think you need to be honest with her that you just found out about her and you do not even know how to process it. She knew all her life that she had a father somewhere, and reached out to you when she was old enough.Be clear that you are not rejecting her but you need to figure out how to move from here, specially because you do not have kids and never planned on having them, so you do not know how to be a father.
Regarding the finance side of things, you might not be required to pay any child support, however I wonder if she is reaching out so you may help her with her education cost? Also, as you are from Europe, recognizing her might entitle her to have a passport from your country and that might open opportunities to her (like scholarships that she is not eligible for by having an American passport).
OP you should first sort out your own feelings before involving the rest of the family.
In any case, even if you don’t want to have a relationship with her, she still has the right to form a relationship with her grandparents (your parents).
Also OP, you did nothing wrong. You don’t have to be ashamed about having a daughter. You’re past the hardest part of raising a child (newborn, toddler, child, teenager). She’s a grown person now. You can talk about sports, shared hobbies, whatever you like.
Couple thoughts, similar to others work through your feelings first. Second, talk with her and find out what she wants and what her goals in reaching out were. Find out what the situation is before jumping with both feet. Then maybe have a zoom/FaceTime call with your family and her if you are comfortable.
OMG. You were childless, now you have a daughter. You F’ing celebrate – that’s what you do. I’d call the mom if I were you. Be wary of scams for sure but an 18 yr old doesn’t want to tie you down. She wants to know where she came from.
Well, if you never wanted kids you have the best of both worlds-
You didn’t _have_ to raise her. Now she’s an adult. It’s on her mother for never having involved you, she can’t be angry with you for being absent.
I’m sure she has a lot of feelings to work out as well- I’m guessing it might be helpful to work through some together. You were both kept in the dark.
If you must, tell her you need to breathe. That you never knew about her and this is life changing news. Assure her that you very much want to meet her and you want her to meet her other half of family. You don’t have to make time commitments but please let her feel wanted and acknowledged.
Best to you both
She’s over 18 so you don’t have to “raise” her persay but you can still be a father to her in her adulthood. Why not?
I know you said you’d call her, but maybe a video chat would be more appropriate? This is your child bro. All yours. I know it’s shocking but the hard part is over. Handle your business. You’d want your dad there for you
Wow, she sounds super mature. I remember finding out about my dad at 18yo. Connecting with him and that side of my family was really important to my sense of self. OP, absolutely take some time to get yourself in order, but please don’t deny her the opportunity to connect with you and your family in the longer term. She sounds like she’s had a fairly hard life, with a mother with health issues, and probably mostly raising herself. That’s probably led to her maturity, but she will likely really blossom getting to meet all her previously unknown relatives. Your family sounds really involved and affectionate, and that could really be a balm to her soul.
Don’t have a ton of advice but my wife has only met her real dad a handful of times. I hear her say all the time that if he made and effort she would make an effort. It’s just super awkward at first but put yourself in her shoes. She just wants to know where she came from and that part of the family. Just go for it. The worst part is finished, she’s grown
You created a whole ass human being whether intentional or not.
That human being is curious about where she comes from, and probably longs for a loving relationship with a father figure.
The hardest part of her life is over. You’ll never get it back. You’ll never have a super deep bond because you had no control or knowledge in the matter.
But honestly, sincerely… I’m going to urge you, internet stranger, to man up in this situation. You created a human. Be whatever you can be to her. Even if it’s just a friend. Even if it’s just the opportunity to meet you and answer questions. Rise above your life’s desires and look at the actual reality of the situation. Your desire is gone. You’re a dad, whether you want it or not. Rise to the challenge and man up. Grow up. This woman wants you in her life. She exists because of you. Be a man and be something to her.
Her pain is far worse than yours, you stupid jackass.
You will find loving someone is actually worthwhile.
Mama Mia, I would freak if someone thought my name was OP as well.
Seriously though, best of luck to you. I am not sure what to say either.
Ok, I have a lot to think about. A lot of advice to take in. I’ve made a list of topics to talk with her about at least.
I have to sleep now before my head explodes
Get to know her. Tell her you had no clue she existed for sure. You never wanted kids, you never had one. You have an adult daughter.
The right thing would be to get to know her.
Just ask her about herself, school, sports, hobbies, ambitions. Just talk … it’s not that hard.
Wow, that is heavy! And I can tell you’re in shock so, first off, take some time to just breathe. My input is:
– I have an 18yo daughter and, at this point in her life, she is an adult, basically. Your new daughter is too, just speak to her the same you would any adult you first meet. She most likely has a job you could ask about, hobbies, a car, that kind of stuff. Ask when her birthday is (and you should probably write that down). Also, let her ask you questions, she probably has hundreds. If there’s a lull in the conversation you can ask her if there are any questions she has for you. Another good filler is, “Tell me about yourself”. Tell her you’re nervous, she most likely is too.
– Don’t feel rushed on anything. Don’t involve your family yet. Not only do you not want to overwhelm Jane but you don’t want to overwhelm yourself. Take it slow, start by talking to her tomorrow and maybe exchanging emails so you can send pictures back and forth. Tell her about your family members, what they’re like, what you love/don’t like about them. Set a time, like once a week, to talk to her and build from there. I honestly would take AT LEAST a month, if not two to just get to know each other until you start involving your family. When you do, start with the one family member you’re most comfortable with and gradually introduce her to them one or two at a time.
– When you do tell your family, you need to impress that this is YOUR and JANE’S show, not theirs. You will visit Jane first (whether she goes to you or you to her) before your family tries to push all that.
– I don’t think you will be charged back child support unless Jane’s mom pushes it in court but it doesn’t sound like she will given that she’s had your number for 18 years and never used it. I guess another question to ask (probably down the road, not right away) is if your name is on her birth certificate.
The main thing to remember is that you don’t need to dive right into a father/daughter relationship, you need to get to know each other, get comfortable with each other and find the right dynamic for both of you. Don’t feel pressure to feel or do anything you’re not ready for nor should you have any expectations of Jane. Just go into it with the mindset of being willing to have a relationship with her that works for both of you, whatever that ends up looking like.
Stop being a cheapo, she could very well be tending to you and holding your damn hand while you pass away. Don’t be an idiot, jump in & embrace this connection, could be the best relationship of your life. Having a daughter is ACE.
Update me! One week
This is a first time for her too. Can you imagine the courage it took for her to call you? She probably just wants to get to know the person who gave her half of her DNA. Just talk and get to know her.
I’d just let her decide what she wants. Tell her how your family will be and see if that’s what she wants.
I know you said you never wanted kids, but they way you still did and never really had to deal with the kid part, so kinda cool for you. Idk I’m sure it’s a lot, but could be really good
Be cool man. She’s 18. Above all else, be kind.
That means NOT LYING
Keeping in contact
Calling when you say you’re going to
And following through.
You didn’t ask for this. Okay? Many of us didn’t and brought up kids anyway.
You were chosen to be her 50% dna. That’s how to look at it.
Talk about things you wonder about. She wonders about.
But don’t lie.
Be direct and kind.
This could be a blessing. Probably is.
Yes be cautious but be kind.
As someone that didn’t meet my dad until
I was 14 I know this is wild for her too. My dad sucks and did everything wrong.
1 – be excited when you talk to her.
2 – be interested in her. Have her tell you about her life, her likes, her hobbies, what she’s in to. Be interested!
3 – be supportive
4 – she is very curious about you and her entire family. Please be 100% supportive about your family being excited to see her, meet her, fly her there – all of it. She wants to know where she comes from. Her life might have sucked for 18 years and maybe she now has a chance to meet family members that will love her unconditionally.
5 – don’t judge her. Not that you would, but don’t judge where she is in life, how she looks – whatever.
6 – ask how her mother is. About her health. Like you give a shit.
7 – don’t lie to anymore. That should end now. I know you’re shocked, but you’re the adult here. Like it or not, youre her dad. Give it a chance. Give her a chance.
8 – don’t try to parent her for some time. Give it time. Learn to respect one another. She will come to you for advice when she’s ready.
9 – tell your family immediately. Let them be excited too. It will make your daughter feel great , and feel wanted.
You and your family will change this girls life. Make it for the better
Updateme!
You don’t have a child. You have an adult daughter, who deserves the autonomy to interact with her extended family independently of you if you don’t want a relationship with her.
Grow up. She already has.
Well, you don’t like kids or want kids, but Jane is an adult now. You don’t have to raise her. It seems like she just wants to get to you, so you need to figure out what you feel and want to do.