We (39f & 40m) have been together for 10 years. A year ago, I found out my husband was deeply into femdom and the online femdom community, since 2015. Then, this year, he told me he had $15k in credit card debt. He realizes this isn’t fair to me, as I’ve been paying our bills for the past 6 years, but prefers to keep his transactions private. He says it’s due to being out of work for the summer, and didn’t reduce his spending, and then got overwhelmed. I don’t understand how the debt could have gotten this high in 6 months, and he says it doesn’t matter when the debt started and I should just trust him.
I thought we had a very open and honest relationship, and was willing to respect his need for privacy/independence, but now I feel like he betrayed that trust. He got angry when I offered to help him figure out something on his account, it seems like he doesn’t want me to see something in his transactions, yet he doesn’t seem to feel like it’s fair that I don’t trust him anymore.
He has a plan to pay everything off in 2 months, and says it’s not drugs. This doesn’t fix how I feel about the situation.
We’ve scheduled therapy, but everything just hurts so much. How can I deal with this pain so we can try to fix it? Should I be concerned that he’s not offering to show me his transactions to help me understand how he spent so much?
Edit: He also says he didn’t hide the debt from me, he just didn’t think to mention it. Yet, he also says he knew he should ask for help. I also asked him multiple times over the summer to let me know if he needed me to Venmo him, and he kept declining. He also convinced me he could afford to buy a car.