I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years now and feel as though I’ve stopped seeing a future with him. For the first couple of years I was very excited by the prospect of having a future together but now I can’t imagine it. We have become less patient with each other and I don’t feel secure or valued in the relationship anymore. The trouble is, when our relationship is good it is really good. I feel as though if we break up he will be “the one who got away” and I will really regret it.
I know people say relationships take work but how much work is too much work? Do we just need to bring back the fun and light hearted part of our relationship? Another part of me wonders if we just have a conversation and decide that we are each other’s person and will work through any challenges I will feel more secure which will open me up to have more fun together. Should I end things?
TLDR; I don’t feel secure in a relationship that used to bring me a lot of joy, and sometimes still does. Not sure if I should end things or put in more work.
4 comments
Morning, sooo I’ve had 6 long term relationships that all ended with the same feeling, currently edging on a 6 year relationship. I say ended but really it was a long slow decay. Ultimately the future needs to be defined. Great teams have shared goals and unreal synergy when it comes to achieving those goals. Whatever it is that you want, needs to be expressed and planned for. Is it a career, a family, continued sexual exploration, home-ownership, travel etc…that focused synergy creates a feeling of belonging to something greater than you, something you could not do or would have a difficult time achieving on your own. Isn’t that exactly what a great partnership sounds like. I always found that when our goals diverged is when the friction began. You on one side of the universe floating aimlessly and they on there’s. Distance is created. It’s hardly noticeable at first because of the closeness that’s been created. Love is not magic. It requires discipline, attention, caring and empathy. Without these things, bonds break. I know it sounds cold but I’ve found that sitting down on a casual Sunday, share a coffee and then telling them you’re not happy with the relationship as it is. Focus on the relationship, don’t say you’re not happy with him because it seems like you are. A Relationships is a shared reality between two people under the bond of love. You can love someone deeply but not appreciate the relationship. It’s why so many lovers break up and come back together, it’s not because they didn’t love each other it’s because they didn’t agree on the type of relationship they wanted or they grew apart.
If you value the type of love you’ve developed with someone, cherish it and show it the proper respect by becoming awesome at developing and growing the resulting relationship.
> I don’t feel secure in a relationship that used to bring me a lot of joy, and sometimes still does.
I’m sure it started out wonderfully, like most relationships do. We have all our hopes of what things may come, and the joy and newness of things sweep us away.
It really, really sounds like you and he have since hit a plateau, though, and it literally can go in either direction (up or down).
Four years is a long time. You were 21 when this whole thing started, and he was 23. It’s quite likely that you have each grown and matured in different ways during that time.
Individual preferences and attitudes could have changed, priorities shifted, and the relationship itself has undoubtedly undergone a profound metamorphosis during that period.
In other words: you’re a long way from where you started, and you’re both probably different people now.
Sooooooo… what these “new people” need to do is take stock of things, both individually and together, and decide what lies ahead, and whether they are on the same page.
For example, is marriage and/or kids in the future? If so, how many, and when? What about careers? Where you live? Buy a house? Car(s)? One income, or two?
Then there’s the personal and relationship side of things. Everything, from whether you live together, to how often you have sex, to how you spend your free time (again, individually and together) is on the table.
That’s just off the top of my head.
At some point, both of you need to put your cards down on the table, and see what’s what.
The outcome of doing that will indicate which way you should go.
You don’t provide a whole lot of detail in your post as to why you don’t feel secure or valued in the relationship anymore. It’s true that relationships take a lot of work ; they don’t just magically happen. Perhaps there’s a bit of a communication gap between you and your partner that needs to be bridged but it’s hard to say for sure on limited information. Ultimately the decision whether or not to end things is up to you. I will say, based on what you do provide it seems like things are pretty good overall. The only real negative you mention is that you’re less patient with each other. But again, without context it’s difficult to form an opinion one way or another.