TLDR; I’m not sure if this is the right flair or really how to start this convo but I thought the perspective of “older” men who have been in my position or in my stepdads position could offer some perspective. I’m not asking for medical help or psychological diagnosis — just looking for a potential next step and/or any insight to how he might be feeling from a man’s perspective. Thank you in advance
Long story short, my stepdad and my mom have been together for 20 years – I’m 28 years old. So he’s pretty much my dad — my family (my mom, myself, my sister & grandma) was quite below the poverty line, moved 7 times before I was in the first grade w various partners of my mothers, didn’t have cable/internet or phone, etc. (my mother is a wonderful, strong woman who has grown so much since all of this and I’m not knocking her! Just giving context) so life was RUFF until my stepdad came into our lives, moved ALL of us (yes his MIL has lived with him/us the entire time… I h8 it too but not the point) to his nice home in an upper middle class neighborhood of a much nicer town. Fast forward to today and ALL of us are on successful paths that would not have been possible without him.
NOW, here’s where I’m looking for some perspective. 15 of the 20 years my parents have been together, my stepdad worked overseas in Asia for 3-5 months there 1-2 weeks home at a time. For the most part; my parents haven’t ever LIVED together fr until 2020 lockdowns happened and him working in Asia was obviously not an option. In 2013 my stepdad was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes which he never really tried to manage. Since 2021, he has had 2 heart attacks and 4-7 strokes. We are unsure of how many because there was a period of time where he was hiding his symptoms from us. I don’t think my parents know how to communicate with each other at all in conflict bc they both want to win. I’ve tried to have this convo with them separately to no avail. He has been incredibly lucky and miraculously has not suffered any major physical or cognitive impairments (that we or the doctors know of)
Every time he goes to the hospital after a stroke or heart attack, the doctors explain that his smoking & lack of managing his diabetes is huge catalyst of these strokes/heart attacks. He told the doctors there’s “no proof smoking or diabetes causes either” which.. obviously is not the case. He’s always been the smartest person I know… it’s scary and confusing that he’s rejecting logic like this.
I can’t help but feel that his lack of care for his own life is a major cry for help even though he doesn’t know how to ask for it. Every time we try to help him in a way that we feel could work, we are meant with instant rejection and aggression. I want to help him. My mom wants to help him but it feels like there’s no conversation he will have and he’s very anti-therapy (although I am looking into in home options currently). After two years of this, my mom doesn’t sleep bc she’s afraid he’s going to die in the night. (She’s already woken up to him having a stroke/heart attack twice) Shes tried to take him to doctors and therapy where he berated her saying she’s taking their side and all they want is his insurance money. Also after 20 years of my mom caring for the entire house, family, and having a full time job too, he’s now telling her she wants him to die so she can have his money. He also has told my mom he has “no interest in talking about feelings” when she’s tried to have hard convos with him. I genuinely feel there is some sort of mental breakdown happening bc he’s never been like this.
I don’t know what to do next and I’m having a hard time understanding how he might be feeling or why he feels the way he does. so I thought I’d come here to see if anyone has any insight to offer. There’s so much more to this than what’s here but it’s already so long – I can give more context in comments if it feels too vague. I love him and so does everyone else in the family but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to show compassion when he refuses to help us help him or help himself while berating us in the process. Thanks for any insight in advance, my mom and I feel absolutely hopeless but overall I’m worried all of this is going to kill them both.