I genuinely feel like I’m going insane. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3.5 years now. This is the first and only relationship both of us have been in and I really really really love this man, you might even say I’m obsessed with him. I recognize I have an unhealthy codependency with him and I feel like I’m always asking too much of him(which he has told me himself)
In the beginning, maybe the first 2 years i felt so loved and at peace. But overtime my boyfriend stopped making time for me. He’s always playing video games, never wants to take me out, he doesn’t really talk to me, yeah we talk but we don’t have conversations. The only thing we do for “dates” in the past year and a half is watch movies and order food at his house, have sex and he puts me to sleep and plays video games till 5 am. I am not happy. I’ve expressed how unhappy I am with our routine. I’ve begged and cried to him multiple times (which I always feel bad for at the end because I feel like I’m being annoying) to take me somewhere I’ll even pay!! Hell I always pay! I Beg him to talk to me and not spend so much time on the game, I even got my own PlayStation to play some games with him but it’s so rare he plays with me
Now don’t get me wrong he’s a super nice person super funny always smiling, and we do have good times like I would have left by now if we didn’t. But I always get the sense that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore like it seems like he completely gave up on caring about this relationship. He doesn’t even call me pretty or complement me, and it makes me really sad and I have like bad anxiety and ocd so I over thing like a mf. So I’m constantly at war in my head asking myself if I’m good enough? if I even deserve what I have? I should just be happy with what I have because maybe I’m just not all that to really care about.
Recently I seen that he was on tinder and snapchatting girls having actually conversations with them even offering one to pay for her nails(which he’s never done for me?) just overall talking to them how I wish he talked to me, I found out he’s been subscribing to onlyfans for a year I’m pretty sure he was messaging those girls as well but deleted them he He also saved photos of the girls he was talking to in a Dropbox folder (which is how I found everything)
Obviously this broke my heart and my mind is now spinning fr. I’ve asked him so many times if he wanted to leave me he would always say no that he loved me but always sounded upset that we were even having that conversation. So after I found this I confronted him he didn’t really say much just sat there while I cried I tried to leave him but he has his way with getting me to fold everything in my head says I still love him. My heart is still broken and I feel this pain in my chest every day and it’s been 3 months since I found everything. I want to leave him but he just seems like he doesn’t suspect it and I would hate to do that to him after making it seem like I had forgave him. I just want someone who has all the love respect for me but I want that to be him.
Should I try to work stuff out or should I just save myself time and leave. Like let me know how dumb I sound I feel so delusional but I want him to be with him so bad this entire situation breaks my heart