So, as is the case with many of us, I struggle with loneliness, isolation, lack of intimacy. I’d like to get into a relationship/make new friends. I recognize that at least for the dating side, dating apps are not the way to find a relationship at all.
The almost universal (and frustrating) advice (which may be right, but I’m missing something) is ‘Go join a club/group/volunteer/etc’.
My issue (and one shared, I feel by many others here) is two-fold:
1) My interests don’t seem to align to that model. I enjoy reading, watching tv, movies, gaming. Most of these interests are solitary. You can’t turn reading a book or watching a movie into a social experience. I play SP games, and any online game I’ve tried the interactions with people are either adversarial and negative and not real human interaction, AND they’re over when the match ends and new teams/etc are generated. Certainly there’s no way I can see to make that lead to real human connection and contact?
2) For the groups I HAVE tried, there’s no interaction beyond the specific activity. For example, I joined a board game group last year, about 30-40 people every week get together in a local cafe and play board games. Great! The issue is, everyone is there PLAY BOARD GAMES. Yes, it’s 4 hours of board games, and there are other people present, but there’s 0 interaction beyond that activity because everyone is focused on the game, and you can’t really be chatting to your opponents about ‘So what do you do for work?’ in the middle of planning your next move, watching what everyone else is doing, etc. because it distracts and interrupts you and the others from the activity they’re there for, and once the game ends, another game is started/people leave, and that’s… it. I don’t even learn most peoples names.
Likewise, I started going to a weekly trivia night at a local pub. I talk to the 3-4 friends I already know on my team, and the bartender to order a beer now and then, but due to the nature of the event, nobody from other teams are communicating with anyone outside of their group because they’re there FOR TRIVIA NIGHT, and it’s a competition. When it’s done, everyone leaves with the group they came with and the bar empties.
I’m missing something, there HAS to be an answer for this, but I’m not seeing it and I’m frustrated. I’m doing ‘the thing’ people say to do, but I’m not getting the results that I want.
Edit/Update:
I have to admit, my first reaction to the responses below was an urge to argue and poke holes/flaws in the advice. “I’m not an exercise person”, “Why should *I* have to change/do something I’m not interested in?” “I don’t want to be assigned books to read like homework, and nobody will want to discuss the books I read” etc. I took a moment to get through that urge, and am going to try and take the advice below and see what I can try doing (which I admit will be really hard to do)
The general consensus from the responses below (which I appreciate, thank you all) are:
– Try other activities you haven’t done. Expand the options if your current ones aren’t working. Perhaps try ones specifically for ‘socialization’. Lots of suggestions for sport/exercise-related ones. Not wild about them as I’m not in shape and don’t own workout clothes/equipment. I’ll try to keep an open mind though.
– Go *repeatedly* to them. (My brain is almost always 5 steps ahead after 1 time, I don’t go back again because nobody talked to me and I think it’ll be that way every time).
– Stay before/after the events I’m already doing and try to engage with people
– I need to take the initiative and engage with people (This one is… very uncomfortable for me to even think about).