Does anyone have the “final say” in your marriage?

16 comments

1. There are definitely aspects where one defers to the other. (If it’s tech related, I make the call. Wife on larger investments/loans b/c that’s closer to her field.)

   Here’s a question for both of you: Would you pay $530 to have a better relationship than you do right now?

2. I’ll say this.

   There are things I trust my wife’s opinion on more than mine, and things she trusts mine more than hers. So a “final say” has far more to do with trust than it does authority. But over the decades we have learned to trust each other’s line in the sand, on the few occasions one of us drew it.

   Sometimes that means going along with something I don’t agree with, and sometimes she goes along with something she doesn’t agree with.

3. I always think of it in terms of is it worth the fight or argument. So to me it’s a matter of $500, what is the thing and why is the price differential there? Most things are not worth fighting over so I don’t stress, if it’s seriously important I will go to the mat for it and my husband will listen because I don’t waste my energy unless it’s a big deal. If it won’t change your day to day life, why get stressed?

4. It depends on who will be using the item and/or for whom is the issue most important. He does all the cooking, so kitchen decisions are his. I am passionate about travel so I pick destinations and get input from him regarding activities once we’re there. He does the yard work so chooses the plants. I own the home so have final say regarding furnishing. But honestly, we have never argued about any of these things. We just kind of know who picks what in various aspects of our lives.

   Also, there are some items that are just so much better if you get the more expensive version. And some items where it doesn’t matter. I splurge where it’s justified.

5. We negotiate.

   I will say… there are times where I have gone “cheap” and regretted it. I ended up spending more buying the replacement.

6. Jesus

7. My wife generally has the final say in things. Which isn’t to say that I’m lacking input or control of things. The way it usually goes is that if there’s something we need to get or do (buy a piece of furniture or appliance, pick a restaurant, select a contractor for house work…etc) I will do the initial leg work and present a list of options that I like. Then, she’s either select the option she prefers, or in some cases if she isn’t satisfied with any of the options, I’ll do a second round of picking options for her.

   We don’t come to standstills that often, but we have somewhat of an unspoken agreement that there are certain number of exceptions allowed each year. For example, I can’t just go buy an expensive thing I want, but she’s cool with me getting some luxury purchases every so often, even if she doesn’t really feel it’s necessary.

8. Not really. There can be some intense negotiations.

   We used to joke that, “She who has the vagina makes the final decision.”

9. As a rule? No.
   Some things one of us care more about than the other.
   If we totally disagree then we talk it out. It’s never happened that we totally disagreed and were not able to come to an agreement that worked for us. We are both pretty understanding people.

   In your situation we would research the products together, read reviews, compare features and make a decision

10. In a weird way this doesn’t really come up for us (together 17 years). Everything that involves both of us we compromise on, we both agree, take turns, or the other person doesn’t have a strong enough opinion for it to matter.

    We both agree on the budget, so if it doesn’t fit in the budget then it doesn’t fit. We are politically, morally, religiously, about kids, money, etc.

    There are things though that are personal boundaries. “I won’t do X but you can”. And we never make the other person do something they don’t want to.

11. I think shelving it is the way to go, honestly. You never know, putting it on hold might make a 3rd option come along that you both can agree on.

    When we were shopping for houses this came up a few times. The hotness of the market ended up making most decisions for us, which worked out. We were able to wait until a house came along that we were both happy with.

    Also it helps to not see one opinion as right, or to think the answer lies in one person changing their opinion. In your other comment you said it’s about you each having different values. You value budgeting and saving and he values quality. That’s awesome! I bet you guys really compliment and balance each other with those different values. Neither has to change their values, which is probably what you’re feeling when you start to have conflict over these types of things.

12. I’m the wife and I have the final say, but 99% of the time we figure things out together

13. My husband generally has final say….but always listens to my reasoning, hashing out pros and cons etc. I can trust him to do what’s best for family, finances etc.

14. Depending on what it is. Tech wise I have final say. Only because I worked in IT for 20 odd years.

    House and home stuff, general we work together and look at reviews about what we want. Never go for the cheapest options. They are usually crap.

15. I wouldn’t call it a “final say”, but she vetoes more of my purchases than I veto of hers. It’s important to note, I want electronics and video games, she wants crochet supplies and kid stuff.

    But seriously, on big ticket items, neither of us just straight tells the other how it’s gonna happen. We’re both cognizant of our finances and, so far, have never had a problem with agreeing on spending.

16. No one has final say. Since you mentioned that it’s not a need and you guys put it on the back burner, maybe you two can keep an eye out for a sale for the more expensive option and/or occasionally cut in other areas and set that money aside, until either your partner realizes the more expensive item isn’t worth cutting something else or you have enough for it.