I understand why women will come up with many funny reasons as to why it’s a man’s job to invite her on a date, plan it, pay for it, and then pay for her uber — it benefits them financially. They will defend it to death and try to shame or emasculate men who oppose it, even though women are equal to men, make the same money, and “hate the patriarchy” (when it doesn’t benefit them). But how do some men fall for it? What’s up with the simp mentality? Why sustain “chivalry” when nowadays it’s just responsibilities, no privilege?
A date is two people getting to know each other; it’s not a favor to the lady. You don’t owe her anything. If she’s a gold-digger or has a princess syndrome, move on, you’re better off alone.
45 comments
Some guys are just really traditional, to a fault. I don’t get it either, but it’s none of my business.
Look, in my personal view, whoever asks pays. Now usually 99% of the time, it’s the man who asks so it’s the man who pays, rightfully so. If there was a circumstance where a woman asked me out, obviously she wouldn’t expect me to pay to whatever we’re doing, but I would probably still pay for something along the way, like maybe buy her ice cream or if we go to the movies, I pay for the snacks type of deal.
I really don’t think it’s that complicated, like if you want to show a woman that you’re financially capable and not expectant on her to pay for herself on a date you asked her on, she’ll come back. If she doesn’t, wasn’t meant to be. However, after 1 or 2 dates, I would like to see some financial investment on her side because at that point it shows that we’re both getting serious on whatever relationship we’re trying to build and it becomes more of a partnership.
Personally, I don’t mind. Dating is part of my spending money budget and I don’t do lavish first dates that would cost more than I am willing to spend on myself for a night out.
If we hit it off, they’ll be plenty of time for her to carry some expenses as well. But I got the first couple. No sweat.
I make significantly more than any girl I’ve ever dated and I’m usually the one who invites. I should and do pay.
Men get immense pleasure from providing for women, it’s practically hardcoded into our DNA. Likewise, women love being provided for, it makes them feel special and wanted.
It is really easy to impress a woman and this is one of the ways you can do it
I do it because I would rather have a good date, than win a fight for equality.
Justified or not, you’ll get a lot more second dates, or first dates that last all night if you pay
I don’t. When I was dating I simply said OK and stopped talking to that person.
I was looking for a partner not a dependent. If you can not pay your way while dating, you shouldn’t be dating.
Nope. I insist either she pays or we split. She is a strong independent woman that don’t need no man. I’m not going to insult her bybpaying.
Because I want traditional gender roles in my relationships. Lead by example
I have no problem with it, and it shouldn’t bother you what I choose to do. I invite someone out, I will pay for them. I have and will do the same with male friends if they’re financially strapped as well.
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Date who you like and who meshes with you. If you’re traditional, be traditional.
When I first started dating my wife in college, she bought movie tickets for our third or fourth “date”. Thankfully our marriage didn’t reflect the movie – titanic
I don’t and we shouldn’t. If women want to refuse their traditional roles, as is their choice, men should refuse theirs.
50/50 is the only fair way.
When I love, or even care about someone (even some*thing*), I want to take care of it. I want to make it last, treat it well.
Imo, financial stress is one of today’s most difficult challenges, and I want to make sure my partner know that I will handle that stress for the both of us.
I don’t have any problem paying for someone I see spending my whole life with , but I obviously won’t pay for someone I just met. Sure , if I were actually rich I would insist to pay for the date , but then there is this lingering thought that “what if she’s there just for my money” , so a woman who would pay sort of feels like she actually wants to date.
I see several flaws in the reasoning.
When you invite a woman on a date you want to impress her, so you show what you got. If you ask her to pay her half, multiple messages are sent, e.g. “that you can’t afford the place you chose” or “that you are just inconsiderate” as you didn’t ask her if she agreed on the place, the prices, if she could afford it, if she wanted to spend her money on that.
Now, there are lots of benefits on paying. You as a man are choosing the venue, so you are choosing a place where you can shine, where you can show off. If you are going dancing, then you can show off your moves, maybe a dinner at a restaurant where everyone likes you, or going to a movie you know a lot about. Control is what you are paying for.
There are so many things that you control when you pay that giving it away for the sake of “equality” is a bad deal imo.
Me personally I don’t think a man should pay for the 1st date unless he offers. I feel that 1st dates are getting to know each other and not all 1st or even 2nd and 3rd dates go anywhere.why waste money on someone your not committed to yet. I feel she’s a grown adult with money she can pay for herself like if her friends invited her somewhere would she expect them to pay for her. Also does it really matter who invites who like again nobody forced her to be there she came. Again it’s fine if the dude offers to pay but it shouldn’t be expected.
It’s great to have all those high minded ideals when we’re talking hypothetically. In practice though I’d prefer not to be single my entire life, so compromises get made.
I’m a man. I receive satisfaction from feeling like a good provider.
I don’t, it’s sexist trash and is disrespectful for both men and women, I’m not a walking wallet lmao.
99% of things that start with “men should do X because they’re men” are sexist, and I will always call it out, chivalry is great when I initiate and pay for dates (and I often do) while she does the same thing, it’s a mutual effort and both feel appreciated and respected.
People can do whatever they want, I always split on first dates, it’s a great way (imho) of filtering out people.
I paid for all the dates back in the dark ages when I was dating. I wanted to. I didn’t expect anything in return except appreciation (a polite “thank you” was fine) and moderation. The first time a woman complained that I only had enough for a Taco Bell dinner, it was over. If it was a nice place and she ordered a market price meal, it was over. If she wanted to get to know me like I wanted to get to know her it wouldn’t matter if a date was a simple walk in the park.
If a woman is the type to expect a man to pay for an Uber, a babysitter, etc, she’s not worth it. If a woman is the type to get annoyed that I hold a door open, she’s not someone I want to know.
On the other side of the coin, if a woman plays helpless or stupid, she’s not someone I’d be interested in either.
For the most part, many women I know want men to pay for the FIRST date. Not dating in general. In fact, it’s been years since I’ve dated a woman who didn’t offer to pay something for the 2nd date. Therefore, my go-to first date is always at night and it’s something simple and cheap. Get some ice-cream/bubble tea and walk around. Head to the bar for a drink. I like this because it weeds out the women who want a free dinner.
I’m a traditionalist so I’ll always pay for dates but only if the woman isn’t taking it for granted. If a woman acts like it’s my job to pay, I won’t be seeing her again. I have no problem paying as long as the woman is appreciative. I know splitting the bill is common these days and if that’s your thing, do it but I like to pay.
I don’t mind. I make good money but I am picky about who I ask out. I’m dating someone now who makes good $$. Sometimes I pay, other times she pays. It all works.
Do you guys know that outside the US people split the bill without drama, or just don’t go to hyper fancy places the first times they meet?
Paying the date, the ring has to be ridiculously expensive, you have to make I don’t know how many K a year… And they complain about passport bros…
Blah blah blah.
It’s what I want to do. That is all the “defense” I need lmao.
You’re free to date however you see fit.
100 years of feminism doesnt eliminate our cavemen brains that evolved over millions of years
You act like women are the ones who insist on men paying, when it’s really men and women. I’m a woman who makes good money and I always pay my way, I feel awkward otherwise.
Men feel emasculated by this, they don’t want me to pay.
I agree it’s an outdated tradition, people should pay for themselves at first and then take turns as things progress IMO….I heard separate checks is more of a thing in Europe.
It’s a character indication. Same as she’s looking at your teeth, nails, car, hair and above all else, your shoes guys. You can fail at some of these if the other ones are above average. Same as when I open her car door for her, if she doesn’t lean over to unlock my side, that’s a huge red flag. We all got ’em.
I enjoy providing for women. I honestly get off on it in the right context. You’re right that women’s attitudes and expectations on this topic can be hypocritical and frustrating – they commonly demand that men fulfill traditional gender roles while they do everything they can to *not* be traditionally feminine. In some cases it’s infuriating how entitled and oblivious they are.
And yeah when women try to explain *why* they think a man should pay, their answers are typically both laughable and nauseating.
But the key is to find women who aren’t like that. There do still exist women here and there who are capable of expressing gratitude and who *are* traditionally feminine. It takes some filtering but you can find them. And that’s a dynamic I really love.
And I don’t defend the idea that men “should” pay for dates in general. I completely understand why a man might not want to pay. For that matter, I completely understand why a man might want nothing to do with women at all.
I stand by the rule that whomever asks for the date is the one that should pay. More often than not, I am the one asking, so I pay. It’s just that simple.
Gen X here, so take this as you will. For myself and the friends I have in my age range. It is about women having to spend more money, and usually, far more time getting ready for a date. For a really hot date, I may take 30 minutes to get ready, maybe. The women in my life routinely take an hour between shower, shaving, fixing hair, makeup and clothing choices. Their expenditures for the date are usually several factors more than mine. I offer to pay to show an appreciation of that concept, she is free to accept or decline as she chooses.
I’m not gonna say, “should.” “Should” is too demanding. I’m just gonna say that, if the man wants to pay on the date, fine. If the woman wants to pay on the date, cool. If they wanna pay separately. Awesome. But that’s something they need to work out before you get to the register.
I do a lot of things, but defending my reasonable actions to some rando on the internet isn’t one of them.
Most men who pay for dates don’t do it because they think they owe it to the woman, they do it because they want to show that they value the woman’s time and can potentially provide for them in the future.
I personally like to be an optimist and think most women are well intentioned and aren’t going on dates to get free meals. Obviously it still happens, but I like to think it’s the exception and not the norm.
Here we go with this question again
Where are these women you are finding that don’t want to pay for anything?. Stop blending the bad story you hear on Reddit with most folks experiences.
I wanted a traditional woman, so I used traditional methods.
What’s to defend? I asked her on the date and I don’t mind paying because I asked. I’ve had a woman ask me on a date and she took care of it all. I’ve also had some insist on paying for themself.
I asked her to spend time with me, I’ll also offer to pay. Do the same for the homies and family.
I think so long as neither party is being hypocritical about how they want their relationship to work, it’s just preference. I don’t bitch about paying for basically everything my girlfriend does, especially while she is in between jobs and taking care of everything in the house.
She doesn’t expect me to help with the cooking or the cleaning while she’s jobless. So long as it’s a fair trade, I love doing it.
I also love being able to actually do that for her. It’s a good feeling taking care of a good woman.
Biggest problem I see with dudes is wanting a “trad wife/gf”, expecting her to play the part completely, and then moaning when it costs $300-400 to get her hair done while they spend thousands on themselves for fun.
EDIT: her and I do expect each other to show gratitude for what we do for each other, though. There is no bigger turn off than a girl giving off the vibe that she is entitled to your money, just like so many women complain about their men feeling entitled to their cleaning and cooking and mothering. Never stop showing gratitude.
Misandry and internalised misandry are the top two reasons why men are expected to pay for everything in dating in a feminist society
Provider Instinct
I don’t defend it. When you think about it, it’s foolish. However I do champion it because it’s best practices. It’s usually results in better outcomes, it has a tendency to make a man feel or seem more masculine and a woman feel more feminine. Men like to feel like providers women like to feel taken care of. As sexist as the idea seems, and by the rules, it is. Women, generally speaking, like it much more when a man takes charge, takes the lead, takes care of things. This is just one of many examples of it.
Logically as women have come a long way, have their own jobs, own money and can and do take care of themselves, and in many ways are outperforming men, they still have the same desires and feelings as they have since before recorded history. So since they are mostly on the same level as men in these ways they can and should take on more of those traditional responsibilities. But because mating, sex, love isn’t logical, the courtship rituals, the way to a man’s or woman’s heart or genitalia remains the same or is governed by the same feelings. It isn’t logical, it probably never will be. So people can perform all the mental gymnastics they want to try and rationalize it, but what it all boils down to is emotions and the primitive brain.
Most communication between people is non verbal. It’s the gestures, the actions, the signals, the vibes.
The point of dating is to get to know the other person. To see who they are, what they’re about and decide whether or not you wanna hitch your wagon to their’s.
Given that the above things are true, if I want to effectively communicate some things about me to the person on the other end of the table, choosing to pay for the first date (at least) accomplishes that, and that’s important to me.
To be clear; I don’t *owe* her (or anyone) a damned thing. But that doesn’t matter, because I’m not trying to demonstrate my ability to begrudgingly pay my debts.
I’m trying to demonstrate, in a very small way, that I am;
1.) Financially stable
2.) Generous
That’s literally all it is, bro. A subtle (not *very* subtle, but better than shouting it out loud) indicator that I can pay my own way, and I’m additionally willing to shoulder some part of another’s burden. Because both of those things are true things about me.
If you aren’t financially stable, or not generous to the degree that paying for a coffee, or a sandwich, or *whatever* gives you conniptions then you’re absolutely right to not be paying for dates. Because you’d be flying false flags.