I’m in a long-term relationship.
My sex drive is very high. It’s not like I don’t want to have sex. I have PTSD and a lot of anxiety when actually doing it, which prevents me from being my best self sexually, so I like taking other things to aid me. I’ve had sex with a lot of people, and made a lot in the sex work industry, so why I’m nervous about my sexual abilities makes no sense lol. My partner has said nothing but very good things, but I’m still terrified that i’m not ‘good’ at it and shut down a lot.
I’m also afraid of hands lol, so I panic randomly, and then again intrusive thoughts that he doesn’t like me, that I’m doing a bad job, blah blah. Substances make me think of nothing, really, except pleasing him. I’d like to think real substantial thoughts too lol but I can’t really because then I will have annoying thoughts.
I do like being not sober during sex because I hate having any kind of power during it in general, so it’s a kink in a way, but also kind of bad because I would feel like shit if the roles were reversed. My partner has been annoyed by it in the past, but has generally gotten over it
I struggle with numbness and pain. I can’t really finish with another person.
I’ve been in therapy for a LONG time, and I’ve gotten a lot better in general, but this hasn’t really changed. I’m also on medication to be less anxious, which has helped. Idk.
Other- Please don’t revolve your answer around me getting off alcohol/drugs/being an addict. I’m not an addict. I appreciate the concern, but that’s not what this is. I use substances FOR SEX and literally nothing else