Unequal decision making and planning.

8 comments

1. You’re in charge. Delegate things to her, for her to do. As far as her sassing you, don’t fall for that crap. Read the book When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

2. Does she work? If so, what kind of role does she have?

3. Explain to her that you plan for a living and it’s exhausting to have to do it in your personal life also.

   The next time there’s decisions to be made about anything, sit her down, give her all the info, make her decide.
   So if it’s a trip, look at the flights together but have her physically book them decide on a hotel, have her book it. Etc.
   show her it’s not that difficult.

   If it’s a project tell her you cannot do anything until she decides what she wants, -paint color, materials etc.
   if she gets on you about it just tell her you’re waiting on her choices.

4. What’s her relationship with her parents like?

   Were they critical or controlling of her when she was growing up?

5. Are you familiar with the concept of mental load? That’s exactly what this is, and it’s not fair or healthy for you to be carrying all of it. There’s various resources out there (like __She divorced me because I left the dishes in the sink__), mostly targeted at women whose SOs can’t be bothered to keep track of chores, but it’s the same concept.

   That said, is it possible you’re micromanaging a bit? In particular, this sentence:
   > Anytime I ask she just wants to get a contractor and throw money at it which is not decision making.

   What’s the problem with paying someone to handle it? Sure, you’d need to get a good contractor, so there’s some planning, but see what you can outsource.

   Also, this:
   > I think what hurts the most is in these situations if I fail to take action or procrastinate on a project, she calls me out instantly and never lets me forget my failures.

   Have you ever asked her not to? Not that you should really need to. I wouldn’t be friends with someone like this, not to mention in a relationship. It sounds cruel, and just not how you treat someone you care about.

   I think you need to have a sit down talk about this, and ask her to make an effort to take more of the load herself.

6. I’d be frustrated in your shoes too. This is called the mental load. Most often we hear about it from the perspective of women whose male partners take no initiative (usually in regards to chores) but it absolutely applies here.

   What kind of partnership do you guys have? Some marriages are more comfortable with a leader-follower dynamic than an equally balanced thing. I’m hoping you and your wife didn’t enter this marriage with different expectations for how to work as a team during marriage, but sometimes we assume the other person has the same understanding we do, and we’re wrong.

   Did she lack initiative like this before you guys got married?

7. You need to have a serious sit-down talk about how you are not the leader of the relationship, nor do you want to be. It sounds like you–wisely–want to be a peer with her, to make decisions as a team or at the very least to have her assume some responsibility. That is the key here: **responsibility** and the weight and cost thereof. She is refusing all responsibility while holding you entirely responsible. This is immature, unfair, and not loving. As you know, it takes effort to make decisions, and you shouldn’t be the only one putting forth that effort. It must also be stressful to make decisions when your partner is as unsympathetic and critical as you describe.

   You must reject this role and be clear about what you are no longer going to take responsibility for. Some people are just allergic to responsibility and lack whatever element of character necessary to bear it. Maybe she’ll just refuse to make any kind of decisions at all, and then you’ll need to ask yourself if you want to be forever in the position of no authority but total responsibility. A relationship dynamic has a lot of inertia and it may take some time and effort to renegotiate how you relate to one another. Also she’ll need to take you seriously and actually want to relieve of you your burden, to change in order to be a better partner to you. If she doesn’t care and doesn’t take your suffering seriously, well, consider what that says about how she actually feels about you.

   You may need to explain to her the problem in terms of taking responsibility and making decisions, that you do you see yourself as being solely responsible and that you are not happy with her acting as if you are king of the house. Insist that she assume some responsibilities. She will probably fight or act pathetic or suddenly act as if she has no clue what ‘responsibility’ means, but she does, she just hates it. She wants to do the fun part of coming up with ideas while you do all the heavy lifting and assume all the blame if things don’t go to plan.

8. She’s asserted her want/need to be completely passive for trip planning. Wants to be a pretty ornament apparently.

   You need to assert your want/need that this be a joint activity.

   (You also need to call out if she’s criticizing you and repeatedly bringing it up, think in terms of “I statements” or “when you do X I feel Y because Z”). Don’t play passive aggressive games of not taking actions or procrastinating.

   You ask how to bring “this” up — “this” being that you want to have this emotional labor be shared. This is best done with I statements. But then you also ask how you can GET HER to start planning things. Alas, you cannot GET someone to do things. You can do your best to see if you two can work out sharing this load but if she refuses to share it you need to decided what you want to do for your own needs.