I grew up in an abusive situation with an adopted father who essentially treated me like an emotional and physical slave at times after my mom died. I learned that being around another person in my house felt like it removed my independence and autonomy. Years of that taught me to deny my own needs and to wait until instructed and I’ve found it to be very uncomfortable in my own home anytime someone is around for long periods.
I’ve been in counseling for the last 6 years and it has changed a lot. When my husband and I were married it took a long time for me to fall asleep next to him and I would hold my breath sometimes when I might bother him or one of our pets at night.
Fast forward to now, because of the counseling and support of my husband who lovingly gives me all the space and time I need, I can now state my needs, interact better with conflict, and stand up for myself way better than I ever could.
My husband went out of town for a week and I set up a mindset that I owned my home and set up times to care for myself, emotional support from friends, play dates, etc. and my place was cleaner and nicer than I ever had it even with a toddler.
He came back yesterday and I feel like it’s his home now and I keep moving around him. It’s not him. It’s how I perceive him. We aren’t into specific roles in our house or head of the household stuff, we split most of the things pretty well for what works for us, I just freeze and wait for him to decide until he leaves. It’s so frustrating for the both of us.
Right now my nerdy babe is enjoying a hobby downstairs since we split who sleeps in(me today)/alone time into half days on the weekends since we had our toddler and I am upstairs finding myself panic freezing trying to will myself into any task right now.
It was nice to notice for the first time a good example of what it means to take up space for my needs since that’s what I am working towards, and I know that this is more counseling territory and it takes time, but I guess I just wanted to see if anyone experienced anything similar.