I want to preface that I did enjoy and appreciate how much effort my boyfriend put into my birthday. I don’t know how to feel to be honest afterwards. The reason I’m writing to ask advice is because I’m generally sensitive on my birthday and also got out of a long term toxic relationship prior to my current that left me very confused on what is normal or red flags.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. For my first birthday together we had been dating for 2 months but still celebrated together and it went pretty bad. As in there was no food for me as a vegetarian (only meat) and I was brought to a birthday party of someone else and ended up cleaning up after a stranger’s party on my actual birthday. No gift or plans for dinner. I got upset after having very little food for 2-3 days (there were potatoes but those ran out fast). Btw this was a place in his country (and my moms country but I’m not familiar with much) where I couldn’t go find food or order. He definitely felt very bad and simply didn’t remember I couldn’t eat the meat. He took me to dinner.
It’s been a year and now for my birthday he wanted to make up for my last birthday.
So for my birthday he took note of everything I liked and celebrated two days. He booked a nice hotel room with a view. I wanted pink balloons and he got me those and spread them around the room. I loved flowers and he took me to a stunning restaurant covered in flowers and got me a bouquet. He had some presents on the bed for me, champagne and a cake. So beautiful.
Here’s the thing, everything had a slight bad after effect. I think he was stressed but here’s some examples:
The bouquet of flowers: he was slightly annoyed/upset when I accidentally bent the wrapping paper in my lap a few minutes after receiving them. Then after he recovered and said it’s ok it’s your flowers no worries.
After the lunch on day one he had a place for dinner but it closed and then he was rushing and seemed a bit agitated with me not knowing what I wanted to eat but all the restaurants on the delivery app were closing and so even when I looked it was closed and I only had 5 minutes to select. (ended up ordering within time)
He was very tired (as was I) in the night and I said let’s just do the cake tomorrow and he kept insisting on midnight. He set an alarm and we took a bit of a nap. At the alarm he started lighting in the candles in front of me and finally sang. It was midnight and I was so tired and asked to eat the cake the next day. Especially because we didn’t have forks/knives/plates. Literally nothing to eat it with. He said ok.
A little while later I woke up to him eating some of the cake with his fingers. I was asking what he was doing? It was dark and I didn’t see it was a TON of cake he ate. Like a fistful. I was really annoyed and he apologized a lot saying he was so tired and just on autopilot and not thinking. He apologized a lot the next day when we finally ate the cake and I saw how much he ate without me.
The next day he slept in and we didn’t have much time left for the hotel breakfast and just again felt so rushed so did my makeup in the car.I got my hair done and he was so sweet to surprise me by paying. And then we rushed to the spa he planned. After they gave us tea and a little birthday gift for me and he was rushing me through the tea. Then we went to lunch. A little late so still rushing and a bit stressful. Very amazing restaurant and it was a good time.
His main gift for me was gold earrings and he did a lot of research which I really appreciated the effort for.
He planned to take me on a tour of jewelry stores and then let me select my favorite.
After we left the stores we were both so tired and he started complaining for a long time of all the prices and wanted to make sure I knew this is not going to be a reoccurring type of gift from him. I had a few pictures of the different ones I liked and I asked if he could guess my favorite and he responded with “oh great more work”
I also said I’m sending you the other pictures so he can just get to know me and my style and he started saying “you know what you’re saying? $X amount here and $X amount there” referred to the prices. I lied and said my favorite was the cheapest option (which was 50% under his budget). But he kept going on about the prices.
We arrived back and I was opening my presents and kept saying what they were via strong hints and I kept asking him not to tell me. He got me a security box that he said it was for all of the jewelry he was going to buy me.
The next day was calmer but he did have a fun question for me, “what do you bring the relationship?” He said he was asking more like a generally philosophical question and that he was also apologizing at another point for how he was acting with money.
Mixed bag. Anyways I thanked him for everything. I really am appreciative. I know he tried so hard and was tired and stressed. But also he kept on about the jewelry and asked what is something else that isn’t jewelry he can get me in the future. He was supposed to go buy the final selection today but I told him it’s not necessary to buy the jewelry and I’m very appreciative for all he did and I don’t need more. Now he seems sad I don’t want to receive the jewelry for my birthday.
I just feel a bit bad after. I know he tried hard and I’m very appreciative.
Update: He came by to visit tonight and we talked.
Cake – He was basically sleep eating and didn’t realize until it was too late.
We also just figured out from comparing to past experiences that he has a problem with sugar and it makes him act strange/hyper more than a normal person. We had also given up sugar for the month prior and so maybe that’s why he slept ate it.
Complaining about the prices – He apologized a lot about this. He wanted me to understand that he wasn’t complaining about me but he was frustrated because he wanted to give me everything but couldn’t afford to do that and was trying to stay in his budget. I’m not a materialistic person and don’t need all of that so we talked about it. He agreed it’s not good to talk about costs/prices after doing something or gifting something for someone and he’s going to stop that with me.
Asking me “what do I bring to the relationship”
Yeah… I’m going to talk a second time to him about this because I’m not so happy still. He did say that he was trying to ask more like “what do people in general bring to the relationship” idk something like that and that he was having a language barrier moment after discussing about culture. He then began to say he knows I bring so much to the relationship that is intangible and started listing them off.
Anyways, I know it’s all not the best and for now I’m going to keep my eyes open.