Original post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/19dtoem/my_26f_boyfriends_25m_friend_expressed_his/). This is another super long one so sorry again in advance!
**Before I get into the update, I just want to say thank you to everyone who shared their advice. My boyfriend and I had a long talk last night, and a lot of you helped me actually verbalise my feelings towards this situation.**
So my boyfriend called me immediately after he got home from the D&D game, and I just got straight into it with him. By the time he got home I was already stewing after reading everyone’s perspectives on the situation, and I think I shocked him with how forceful I was from the get-go (we’ve not really had arguments like that before). I started by saying I am uncomfortable with the fact that Dave stayed over till 4am, one on one with him, and they got wasted.
He seemed surprised and completely oblivious that it would bother me to this level, and he asked me to explain why I was feeling this way. I told him it’s totally unacceptable that he and Dave spent basically the whole night together, when Dave has actively tried to sleep with him, and disrespected me AND our relationship in the process. I told him that he needs to have boundaries with Dave, given all that has happened. His response to this was that Dave said these things a couple months ago, and that he doesn’t think Dave still fancies him like that (or ever really did) – he basically said that Dave was super drunk when he made his admission but it wasn’t that serious, especially since he’s not gay or curious, and doesn’t reciprocate Dave’s feelings at all. I told him whether he took it seriously or not, the whole situation was serious to me, and that I feel extremely disrespected by *both* of them.
I told him if this was a girl who admitted her feelings for him, and they stayed up together – one on one – until 4am, I would immediately think something sketchy is going on, because you don’t entertain someone like that when you’re in a relationship. Just because Dave is a boy that doesn’t make it okay, and he should still have the same boundaries he would for a girl who says she’s into him, propositions him and talks shit about me. He didn’t really agree with this argument cause he said it’s different – in that scenario there’s a chance of attraction/sexual activity, but with Dave there isn’t. I told him that in any situation, with anyone, there’s that chance – regardless if he considers himself straight. How am I meant to trust that things wouldn’t happen when Dave has already expressed his desire to have sex with him, and they were very drunk and alone together? In what world would I be comfortable with the fact that he’s chosen to spend one on one time with Dave until the early hours of the night, knowing Dave has contempt for me and our relationship? At the bare minimum he’s showing Dave that it’s okay to disrespect me/us, and that Dave still has his attention after all of this – potentially leading Dave on since he has a sexual attraction towards my boyfriend.
He told me he understands my pov, but it wasn’t like that and he didn’t plan to have Dave stay that late anyway. I asked him to take me through the entire night, and explain to me why they would need to hang out for almost 10 hours. He said that when Dave came over they worked on his D&D character/Dave explained how to play for about 3 hours, and they were having a couple of beers until Dave asked for something else to drink. Then they facetimed another co-worker who was hosting the D&D event and stayed on call for like 2 hours or more (apparently it went from D&D conversation to gossip about work etc.). He said after that he was showing Dave the music he’s made/how to produce and DJ, and they just lost track of time. I asked him how he could lose track of SO much time, when I was messaging him at 11pm/12am to say goodnight – he knew what time it was at that point, so why wasn’t Dave on his way out by then? I told him the whole thing was sketchy (which he took slight offence to, asking me what I’m trying to insinuate and saying it seems like I don’t trust him).
He said, in terms of the lateness, he honestly doesn’t know how that happened and that he was shocked when he checked the time, and asked Dave to leave as soon as he realised. He said he didn’t ever think the situation was suspicious and that, from his perspective, Dave doesn’t have feelings for him so the whole night was innocent/they were back to being the same friends as they were before Dave’s admission. I told him it can never go back, even if he thinks Dave doesn’t have ulterior motives – Dave put this out there and that can’t be taken back. His behaviour needs to change and boundaries need to be put in place. I told him that, without putting boundaries, he is essentially keeping things open from Dave’s perspective.
He told me that initially when this entire situation happened, he distanced himself from Dave, except for when at work/work events/group outings (which is a lot of the time, so I’m not sure how ‘distant’ that is). Nevertheless, he said they haven’t met up one on one together for like 2 months. I’m pretty sure they have, but I will concede that he hasn’t told me they’ve been alone at each others’ houses since the admission – more so just the pub if anything (but I could be wrong, he may just have not mentioned another person joining them). I couldn’t remember the specific occasions where I thought they did, though, so I couldn’t really challenge him on that one.
Anyway, he said their friendship was different because he felt awkward (which he didn’t make clear to me at all, he always seemed like it didn’t phase him at all and it appeared to me that nothing had changed between them). He told me that they ended up having a chat a few weeks ago, where Dave apologised for what he did and told him that he didn’t mean anything he said. He also said that, because it happened a few months ago, he’s just moved on from it now and decided to “forgive and forget”. I told him while he can forgive, he can’t forget – because this has happened now and their friendship has to be different going forward, for the sake of his partner and relationship. I also asked him why he never told me about this talk and he said he didn’t think any of this was a big issue for me, so it didn’t occur to him that this would be something I’d want to know. This then led to us arguing about the fact that he doesn’t share information with me/tells white lies/omits things, including when the Dave thing initially happened.
I said that I always tell him immediately if anyone makes a pass at me and even used an example of a friend – lets call him Bill – who had touched me in a sexual way on a night out and said to my best friend that he has feelings for me. When that happened I literally called my boyfriend the same night, while he was on holiday, as I knew I would be seeing Bill for two upcoming group events, including New Years Eve (both of which I invited my boyfriend to). He tried to deflect by saying that he didn’t know Bill had *verbally* said he had feelings for me, and that I only said that I *think* Bill has a crush on me (insinuating its the same situation as him and Dave) – which I thought was ridiculous and told him he’s just trying to find a loophole for his own behaviour. I asked him if he would be okay with me and Bill spending all night together getting drunk. He said obviously not, but (again) he thinks its different, especially since the Bill thing happened more recently. I told him, by his logic, that means it’ll be okay for me to do that as long as I wait a couple weeks/months.
We continued going back and forth a bit. He apologised for making me feel upset and uncomfortable, and said that it was never his intention – he just truly thought the whole thing with Dave was behind them. He also apologised if he came off defensive. He said maybe he’s been naive, but he really did not believe that Dave still had any feelings for him or ulterior motives in spending time with him. He also said that it’s become more difficult for him now that Dave is his supervisor, because he essentially controls all his shifts/holidays etc., and that if he alienates him it might impact all of that. He asked me if I want him to cut off Dave for good, because he’s not sure how he can do that given his work situation, and the fact that they often do group gatherings/events. He said it’s “kind of sad” because Dave had been a good friend to him and they get along. I told him that if Dave was a good friend, he wouldn’t have put him in this position, and that all of this is a consequence of what Dave did – this isn’t something I *wanted* to happen, I’ve always wanted to have a good relationship with his friends, but it’s not my fault at the end of the day (and he said it’s not his fault either).
I told him that, while I am not okay with them spending alone time, I do understand that there’s not much he can do to avoid him at work. He told me that he has no problem with doing that or putting more boundaries, as he doesn’t ever want to disrespect me – he just wasn’t aware that this was something that bothered me this much. He also said that since he’s looking for a new job, he doubts Dave will be in his life to this degree much longer.
We did touch on other things during this conversation, but we weren’t able to get into everything as it was about 2am at this point and I had work in the morning. We are going to speak more again tonight, and hopefully resolve other things (mostly about how I feel I’m being treated, after some comments on the OG thread brought this to my attention).
**Again, I want to thank everyone for their input – I don’t think I would have been brave enough to discuss this if most of you didn’t validate my feelings.**
TL/DR: Update to the previous post – my boyfriend and I had a talk about his friendship with Dave, which resulted in him agreeing to put more boundaries in place. His explanation for his behaviour was that he didn’t believe that Dave still had feelings or attraction towards him, and just thought their friendship had gone back to normal.