Hello,
I am currently having the toughest mental battle of my whole life.
I (22f) am lucky enough to have met my soulmate, who is the greatest partner in the world, and the most loving man (25m). We have been dating for a year, and he recently bought an engagement ring. We are planning on getting engaged this summer, and I feel honored that he is my best friend and I will get to be his wife.
We are both graduate students and I received a scholarship to pursue a graduate degree in the UK. He has supported me through everything and it was no question for us that we would stick together for these 9 months (5 hour time difference). I now move back home to him in 5 months.
My adjustment to living abroad however was very rocky. The area I was given student accomodation in is dangerous, I have been harassed on my commute, I’ve struggled to make friends as I don’t drink or party, and I became very depressed. My partner had a very heavy courseload and I felt awful about how much I was/am struggling. One month in to my program, my ex boyfriend (25m) (before my current partner) who was from the city I moved to reached out and offered to catch up over lunch and see if I was doing okay/see if he could direct me to resources to make the adjustment easier. Our relationship was volatile, and I left him a few years prior. My partner was aware that he checked in from time to time, but we have a very honest relationship so he has never felt threatened. I agreed to meet for lunch, but I felt a little uneasy about it. It had been years since I had seen him, and I thought nothing of the meeting. The lunch was okay and professional. As we got up to leave, the ex offered to walk me home as it was pouring rain. He walked me to my door, and asked me “How are you really doing?”
I broke down into tears and he gave me a hug and said I would be able to get through it. We talked for 10 more minutes as I was sobbing but as he was getting up to leave, he kissed me. I froze. It was like it already happened before my brain even registered what was going on. It felt like I wasn’t even myself, or in my own body.
He left and I immediately blocked him on everything.
I told my boyfriend everything that happened and he forgave me. He appreciated my honesty and said he just wants me to come home to him. I’ve never felt so sick. I feel guilty and undeserving of my partners love. I don’t know why I cried or froze in the moment. I replay the meeting with my ex over and over, and I wish I could turn back time. I can’t sleep at night because I have flashbacks. I feel like I failed my partner and his unconditional love. I should have never accepted “help” from the ex. I don’t know why my body reacted the way it did and I’m so mad at myself. I don’t want to be with anyone but my partner. At this point, my depresssion and shame and regret is hurting my partner more than the event. I just want to be back to my old self again for him. I always prided myself on being moral and good and now it’s like I don’t even know who or what I am.
This was three months ago and I am currently in therapy for it. My family all tell me to not let a meaningless interaction ruin my life. How can I feel like a good partner again and worthy of love? How would you approach healing and redemption?
TLDR: met up with an ex who crossed the line, can’t forgive myself.