tl;dr Had a toxic relationship with me ex and I am now struggling to cope with past trauma in my new relationship
I (23f) am in a relationship with (24m) and I’m finding things a little bit difficult even though technically everything is going incredibly well.
I was in a toxic relationship at the end of my teens and early 20s with a guy I was utterly besotted with and he used this to his advantage over these years by using me, breaking up with me, begging me to get back together (which, like an idiot, I did, because I loved him), and then dumping me/cheating on me. The relationship was anything but healthy and has therefore left me with what I think is an anxious attachment style. My new boyfriend is lovely and treats me really well. However, I still can’t shake the feeling that one day he might get sick of me, cheat on me, lose his feelings etc. it’s got to the point where if my boyfriend doesn’t seem 100% happy or 100% lovey dovey with me, I’ll think that something is wrong and while I never vocalise this to him or get upset with him, I’ll go home and feel incredibly anxious. It’s like this impending sense of doom because I’m so used to this cycle happening like it did with my ex. Has anyone had a similar experience and could offer some much needed words of wisdom ? Does it get any better?
4 comments
Have you been in any sort of counseling to deal with your relationship trauma?
Things can get better, but I highly recommend you get therapy. I would recommend therapy to anyone who has been in a toxic relationship to both better heal from it and to better separate it from your current relationships (not just romantic, but all sorts of relationships in your life). You have anxiety, which a therapist could potentially help you with, and you are healing from trauma, which is really a thing t go to a therapist for help with.
Have you considered therapy to work through these things?
I’ve been in a super similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. The ideal thing is to heal before entering a new relationship but you never know when a spark will ignite with someone new and sometimes trauma only surfaces when back in an intimate relationship. I think the best thing you can do is be open and honest with your partner and communicate with him the anxiety and fear from your past relationship. Also understanding your triggers might help both you and him. When talking about these things it can be helpful to use “I statements”. For instance, “I am still dealing with some trauma from my last relationships and I wanted to let you know that when I go home I sometimes get worried that you will find someone else I think some extra reassurance after I leave would help me. Is this something you’d be willing to do for me?” Obviously your situation might sound different but communicating like that can help. Plus also understanding what insecurities came from your last relationship and understanding those and letting them go. It’s hard to not compare people to past bad experiences but at the end of the day everyone deserves to be given their own chance to prove the type of partner they are. 🙂