Inspired by a post I saw on the Gent’s group and thought it would be fascinating. *All* orientations and situations welcome and encouraged.

49 comments

  3. The main thing for me is that it often seems like 90% of the people on those apps are terrible conversationalists.

  4. Because so many of the men are absolute trash. I have three degrees, a stable job, my own place and a nice car and it’s nearly impossible to find someone that matches those standards. Then, even if I find someone who matches those standards, they’re either extremely dull in person when we meet up or they can’t hold a basic conversation. I’m so close to deleting Hinge because I get regular likes from people, but when we match, they can’t hold a convo.

  5. All the scammers.

    Well-written profiles who never respond.

    Men pushing for sex before they’ve met me.

    Terrible photos: women badly edited out, sunglasses, hats, multiple people in the photo, photos taken too far away, all selfies in the same position, blurry photos.

    Men who can’t hold a decent conversation or spell.

  6. It’s just exhausting trying to get to know total strangers over and over again, especially when so many of them aren’t good conversationalists and you end up having to do the heavy lifting.

  7. That when I feel I finally make a connection they are not serious/I get ghosted/find out a deal breaker

  8. Because no one actually seems to want to date. Either I’m getting bots, OnlyFans sellers, Instagrammers, or people looking to sell me their “time” for a fee.

  9. I think for me it’s because of the “people are disposable” mentality that develops (and tbf I’m sure men have that experience too). I’ve just found over the years men don’t want to try with anyone they meet as there is the illusion of finding “someone better” online. Also like someone else as said, men pushing for sex before we’ve even met, which is astounding to me. I stopped online dating years ago and I’m much happier meeting people in person.

  10. Every single match I felt like I had to drive the convo. The same for the few dates that came out of it. Don’t know if it’s me, but it feels like all men are dating lazy with zero effort. As if they’re expecting me to throw myself at them and quickly lose interest when they realise that’s not going to happen.

    I’ve deleted all the apps now.

  11. I was single recently and tried a couple of online dating apps – Bumble and Hinge, because I wanted to avoid hookup culture as much as possible – I’m 28, it’s out of my system; I’m looking for a life partner.

    None / very VERY few of the men were serious. Their profiles seemed catered to lure in women, have sex with them, and move on to the next conquest. No one seemed to be looking for a relationship or genuine connection of any kind. It was definitely an elaborate ruse under the guise of “I’m just afraid of commitment, I’m so tortured, feel bad for me and also let’s fuck.”

    Fun story on the side — I had one guy take me out and after bragging about all the girls he’s fucked / taken away from other men, he said “but I want children someday and honestly if you’re 28, that’s pushing it. By the time we get to know each other it may be too late for you to have healthy kids so that’s something I have to keep in mind!”

    Then there were men who couldn’t hold a conversation to save their lives – always with the dead-end responses. Mind you, these are sometimes 30-35 yo men. “Lol” “cool” “I’m bored.” Why are you wasting my time? I’m trying to get to know you. You go through the rigamarole to create an online dating profile and you can’t even hold a mutual conversation with me? And then you get on Reddit to complain that all women ghost you? Boohoo.

    Lastly, I couldn’t find anyone that “matched” my lifestyle. I’m well-educated, self-sufficient, independent, with a really excellent career and I’m very motivated to work towards a particular future. But I came across several individuals who were “between jobs”, working at the gas station, or for their father’s business, and they were taking care of their four children from a previous relationship while their ex was in prison. No ambition, content to be stuck in a rut, blaming their problems on everyone around them.

    All-in-all, I’d say that most of the men I encountered were not emotionally available, whether they knew it themselves or not. They all had deeply rooted issues with their family, ex partners, unresolved childhood traumas … and were using a string of disposable women online to bandaid the wounds instead of taking the time to practice introspection and work on themselves. Let’s normalize therapy

  12. It feels almost impossible to truly get to know someone before you meet them, and at the same time I don’t want to put time and money into an irl date just to get an initial vibe-check. Many people here talk about men being terrible conversationalist but trust me, women are just as bad. It’s not the gender, people on dating apps are just awful in general. I think a lot of that is because they are also frustrated with dating apps. I can look back at my own past begaviour and cringe because I have been in less-than-ideal moods and just written dumb shit that I for some reason thought was funny or interesting at the time.

    People are looking for different things, people interpret information differently, on tinder it’s expected to not put that much text in your bio, but at the same time you’re supposed to be able to communicate who you are in just a few sentences and a first impression. Even if you have the same hobbies or like the same TV-show that definetely doesn’t mean you’ll actually have chemistry. But what else are you supposed to talk about with complete strangers?

  13. The time it takes to having to filter out the bad ones (and there’s sadly a lot of them), and then when you get to the in depth convos or the meet up nope, turns out you picked wrong; they’re exactly like the others, just better at hiding it. So now you’ve waisted a lot of resources and have nothing to show for it. Can’t even use it as a learning experience (other than my expectation for men and their lot in life) bc that’s exactly what you were trying to filter out in the first place. Then realizing you have to do it all over again? Ugh. *cry*

    My (and most likely some others) expectation are not that hard. Be an adult (know you have important responsibilities before you can have fun), don’t be a bigot or racist, listen, don’t take yourself to seriously, etc.

    Edit: you’ve probably heard all this before

  14. One huge factor is so many of the men just want sex. And many of them have no issue with manipulating/lying to you to get it too.

    I think the problem men have is getting matches/getting responses, but once they do get matches and women interested in them, it’s probably easier to get into a relationship because women are more inclined to want relationships.

    Women have the opposite problem: too many matches, but 90% of them just want sex, something casual, and/or someone to help them get over their ex. Few are serious about actual relationships. At least that was my experience with the apps.

  15. 1. You’re meeting a complete and total stranger and hoping to find a connection. This is highly unnatural to humans — even in the days of arranged marriages, your family knew his family. With online dating no one knows anyone. You have zero common ground and must build it from nothing.

    2. Men lie and deceive and waste women’s valuable time. They write blatant lies on their profiles and in messages for major, massive dealbreakers (“I want a relationship” when they clearly do NOT. “I want kids” when they absolutely do NOT). A woman’s job is to wade through 95% liars and deceivers to attempt to find the handful of guys who can be trusted to say what they mean and follow through on it AND ALSO hope to God there is a connection with that tiny percentage.

    I laugh my ass off when men claim that “women have it easy” — I would much rather match with no one than allegedly match with 100 men who never read my profile, don’t give a fuck about me as a human being, and are just wasting my time (and trying to waste my body) until they get a response from someone hotter.

    I ended up finding my husband on a paid site (eH) because the free sites are full of trash time wasters, scrolling through matches and using them as emotional toilet paper when they are bored. Men seem far less likely to waste my time when they have to pay to be on a site. I paid too — when everyone has skin in the game, they tend to be more serious.

  16. It’s just all the BS. What most of the women say, men who can’t hold a conversation, men who aren’t stable at all in life, men who are just looking for the next woman to lay with.

    Perfect example, I was recently dating someone who I met online. We were dating for about 2 months. We talked about our future, if we wanted more children, if we wanted to get married, like real relationship stuff. He would say things like “I don’t ever want to lose you”, “I’m never going to let you go”, etc. We have a normal conversation one day on the phone with a busy weekend approaching. I didn’t hear from him for a few days, texted him on our usual day to meet up, no response. Called him, no response. A week later – still no response. This man is 50 years old!!! What the fuck!?

  17. I don’t even enjoy texting my closest friends much so the thought of maintaining small talk with a stranger over text sounds like a really unenjoyable chore if I’m bring honest and that’s not how the start of a relationship should feel – like a drag. I much prefer face-to-face interactions, but it’s so hard to progress to that from the apps for some reason so I just gave up. It’s in-person connections for me or the highway at this point

  18. 10 years ago, I signed up for and paid for an eHarmony subscription. Because I was investing in it, the payout was rewarding; I was genuinely looking for something serious. I met a guy two months in, dated for 3 years. Now that most apps are free, people just use them to kill time when they’re bored. There’s nothing to lose now bc you have nothing really invested. By the same token, I also don’t believe you owe a stranger who you swiped right on anything. It’s a double edge sword— am I using that phrase properly? Anyway, my point is it’s all too casual and gamified. It’s like the ‘dating’ part of ‘dating app’ has lost most meaning.

  19. Everything already stated. I’m 47 and unfortunately in my small little area the guys in my age group seem to be extremely misogynistic and stereotypical chauvinistic pigs as in ” me man you woman” grab you by the hair and drag you into the cave types or barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I want an equal partnership. If they want someone to clean the shit stains out of their tighty whiteys they can hire a housekeeper. I’m not trying to raise another kid!

  20. The majority of people on the apps:

    1. Only want sex/something casual
    2. Are only seeking validation so they match and never message.
    3. Can’t keep a conversation going.
    4. Don’t know how to plan actual dates. “Lets chill at my place” 😑

    Can we go back to “old fashion” dating?

  21. I’m bisexual. I’m down to date men though I prefer women, but as you can guess 99% of my hits are “3sum? haha” or “my wife and I are looking to spice up our bedroom a little bit…”

  22. I just… struggle to have the motivation. I’m pretty introverted and it’s also *very* rare that I find a guy I’m interested in (like once every 2 years for example). It also seems to be after knowing them for a while, whereas online dating is more looks-based. So I struggle to force myself to engage in small talk that I know will more than likely not lead anywhere.

  23. No guys worth the time. Most are either married or just looking for a ONS or both. Many are boring. Many have no interests. Then there’s the racists, anti vaxxers, and the conspiracy theorists and the ones that are just in love with themselves.Many only talk about themselves. I went on one dinner date and the guy never asked me what I did for a living or if I had kids. But he talked about himself, his car, his money and his gym routine. Dude. I don’t care.

    Yet I know there are good guys out there. They aren’t all awful.

    The other day I had a guy on Reddit message me and immediately insist that I download Google hangouts. Within about 10 minutes he was bombing me with messages wanting to know if I had done it yet. When I didn’t answer right away he wanted to know if I was ok. Said he was worried about me. Jeez buddy.

  25. I got on tinder when I was 18-almost-19. I saw a pattern where a guy would be interested in talking for about a month and then they only really wanted to send nudes and sext. Thank god I never met up with any of those guys. I eventually figured I wasn’t going to make a human connection and just started swiping right on everyone to see what pick-up lines guys had. Somewhere in all of that I met my current bf so it’s not all so bad, just gotta wade through a lot of horny men

  26. Because it makes me realise how many gross and mediocre men there are and that finding a decent one will be hard.
    Most of the messages are asking for nudes or sexual talk or asking when I can come over to their house to give them head.
    The rest are bland, droning responses, which eventually turn into negging.

    Also I have to “give a chance” to most guys because I hardly find any attractive guys on a dating app.

  27. The endless small talk. Jesus Christ. The carrying the convo for monosyllabic morons, the fish photos, the ones who can’t be arsed to fill out their profiles, the men who have no friends or hobbies, the 40 somethings that live with their mums but think you’ll overlook that and bone in the next room, the ones who hide the fact that their front teeth are missing, the trying to think of interesting open ended questions, the endless amount of men who reckon they like long walks in the countryside followed by the pub…where are they actually hiding because as someone who goes for long walks in the countryside and pubs, they’re not there unless they’re hiding in the bushes.

    I enjoy online dating for the first couple of days and then I’m over it fairly quickly. I like meeting new men but I’m also really specific in the type of man that I like (not physically but personality traits-wise) so it takes a lot of sifting through.

  28. For me it was the lies. I had a few things on my profile that were deal breakers, like having kids. I lost count how many women messaged me and “forgot” to mention they had kids. When I eventually found out they did and they were either lying or omitting them, they all said the same thing “We hoped you’d meet us and change your mind.”

  30. A well meaning friend pushed me into downloading Tinder just to look and it not only reminded me that I’m really not ready to date again yet but the men on there in my age range ranged from depressing to straight up scary. Most of them put absolutely no effort at all into any sort of profile and the pictures were for the most part either horrid cell phone shots from the bathroom mirror or pictures that were either taken years previously or badly photoshopped. I’m talking the backgrounds bent and warped because they tried to look thinner. Also, a lot of the ones in the bathroom mirror revealed some revealing information about their cleanliness. Just. No…

  31. Feeling their presence and realizing it doesn’t match how they sounded on the phone or looked in their photos. It’s like my instincts change once I meet them because most of them at least for me had bad intentions. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m risking my life and it’s too dangerous so I deleted my apps. In a way it’s like putting your life in danger I just can’t do it anymore.

  32. It’s dehumanizing, everyone looks the same, I feel like I’m the supermarket shopping for chicken breasts.

  33. Most of the responses I got were guys who would bring up sex as the first conversation topic. I mean how about we get to know each other first? I did put in my profile I want a serious relationship but nope.

  34. I’m in my late 60s. Men think too highly of themselves:
    74 wants 40–60;
    72 wants 29–66;
    73 wants 44–62.
    If you don’t want to date a 70 year old, don’t expect me to want to either.

  35. I watched a couple of friends try to make something happen off of dating apps and all I have to say is that I’m probably going to be single forever.

  36. I’m more of an old fashioned when it comes to love. I stopped when I noticed that a very, very low percentage of people in there wanted any commitment of any kind, i had to wade tons of men that just wanted to fuck around and find out, which is fine, but is not my type of lifestyle. I never got to arrange any single date with anyone on those apps, i like spontaneous things, and in online dating apps, you really HAVE to force a conversation to date someone, which feels like a lot of pressure since it’s the whole point of it.

    I came across several people with an absolute inability to hold a BASIC conversation of any kind, always with the dead-end responses leading/pushing to a shitty elaborated indirect for a sexual proposition, i ALWAYS find myself making an effort to have a conversation with them, driving the convo as if it was some typo of interview, yet they complain about how women are so uninteresting and plain. I swear, even with a gun pointing at their head they would keep being terrible conversationalists.

    ”Do you want to come over and cuddle?” No, i don’t. You don’t know me and i don’t know you, we haven’t even met yet! Maybe it’s me, but i need some connection with the person and as a MINIMUM requirement, getting to know a little about their life before even going on date. I’m not going to jump into your arms, why did you assume that? because you are so used to have a string of available women 24/7 instead of even getting to know them before taking them to bed?

    Lastly, they don’t seem to realize the insecurity that we might feel sometimes, i’m not going inside the house of a complete stranger that can’t even have an honest conversation with me to “ cuddle ”.

  37. The guy I’m with now, I met on OkCupid. He was a dime in a dozen though. I feel so lucky that I snatched him.

    I’ve had 2 amazing experiences with online dating, and so my attitude towards it isn’t as poor as many others’.

    It IS discouraging having conversations start, and then die over and over. Or having horrible first dates, with guys that end up sucking. Or hitting it off with someone, only to find out theyre not looking for the same thing you are, or they have shitty views.

  38. Personal chemistry is maybe the most important ingredient in my attraction to another person, and it’s almost impossible to tell this from online profiles. I found out very quickly that I wasn’t necessarily compatible just because we had the same interests or loved the same books or whatever. For most of the people I’ve really, really liked, I probably would have swiped left on their profiles. That makes me sad.

  39. I think it’s way more difficult to actually get to know a person online as opposed to in real life. I can’t get to see how you treat the waiters, I can’t get to met any of your friends, I don’t get to see how you treat other women, etc.

  40. It’s emotionally exhausting. The sexually aggressive messages, things from bordering on being straight up harassment to being genuinely threatening, are kind of a daily reminder that nearly half of humanity does not and will never see or acknowledge my personhood. It’s genuinely hurtful and diminishing.

  41. Because most of the men would just want sexy talk straight away and expected it if you met up.

    I tried it well over 10 years ago and after flushing out the straight away sexy talk men and gave ones that seemed nice or had a connection with a chance. To meet up and quickly realise they were only nice online and no matter how honest I was about seriously finding love and not jumping into bed with them, to then being raped when I refuse.

    So yeah it frustrated me that I didn’t find one honest nice guy and pushed me into a deeper depression because even in the real world back then, if I said no, they would just take it.

    I would just be me and stupidly expected everyone else online to be honest and simply gave up dating ever again. Better off alone than being used for someone else’s pleasure.

  42. I’m bi and just want to add – in my experience, and from talking to other sapphic ladies, all the irritating things done on dating apps by men described here are also done by women all the time. I feel like a lot of it’s just the innate lethargy that dating apps cultivate. I’m the type who really prefers to skip the texting BS as much as possible and just set up a simple date to see if we have chemistry. Like without knowing that, wtf is the point in talking??

    The last dating app I used (a couple years ago) was Hinge, and I had the exact same experience over and over (with men and women) of starting a convo, verrrry slow responses, then disappearing after trying to set up a basic coffeeshop date. One girl who I had a nice convo with even agreed we should meet up at a cafe she loved, then disappeared before we could set a time. Sooo weird and frustrating. I’d say even a bad Meetup wins 1000% over trying to find someone on a dating app. At least it’s more interesting and you can talk to people face-to-face, maybe even make a friend or two.

    Then there’s also people not mentioning shit like having kids – hasn’t happened to me, but I’ve heard about it happening and just can’t believe the stupidity. Like just be fuckin transparent, it’s not hard. Though I also want to add that I feel that couples looking for threesomes or people who are part of a couple on dating apps get a bad rep. I myself am not, but a friend of mine has, and was always very clear and up-front on their profile and messages about it. It bothers me when folks seem to suggest that people looking for a third or a polyamorous partner on a dating app are unwelcome by default. I think everyone has a right to try and find what they’re looking for as long as they exercise basic transparency and respect.

  43. I only tried it for a little while and hated it. I felt too nervous about the expectations, and I definitely need to know someone well to want to move things further (even just meeting up). I much prefer building up a relationship without the initial expectation of dating (which could be said about in-person dating as well).

    Plus, getting a conversation going feels harder, it’s more difficult to get a good sense of the person, and the guys I’ve talked to tended to move on really quickly as soon as you set boundaries.

  44. Yeah men typically don’t like ambitious women from my experience. The do like to feel needed. But I think it goes beyond that. My opinion is that they have deep seeded insecurity that requires a woman to need them so the woman has to put up with their problematic behavior. If a woman is too independent he can’t step out of line or disrespect as easily. They recognize they are shitty and a woman with her own money and interests will peace the f*** out. It’s lol worthy. Also, very sad.

  45. Online dating is a hook up with privacy. Good for women’s anonymity. Bad for men.
    Great for std’s!

  46. Because I don’t like dating in general. I’m kinda in the minority here where I don’t want a relationship, but most of those profiles are fucking full of shit. If you just want bang, say it! A lot of liars, no wonder everyone finds online dating miserable, there is almost no honesty, there’s a fear of it.

  47. The amount of mental effort just going into safety as well as deciding if you’d like to meet someone and try and filter out any untrue or exaggerated profiles.

  48. it’s just incredibly boring. most people do small talk, and doing small talk is an immediate red flag. some have good openers like jokes or asking about your bio, but then turn out to be boring.

  49. Men who play women. They come in all shapes and sizes. It is so depressing and frustrating to find out you’ve been played and wasted so.much time

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