Hi Reddit,
My (25F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been dating for just shy of a year and we’ve quite honestly had a lot of issues in that year.
We moved in together fairly quickly because he had a job offer across the country and asked me to move with him after only dating for 5 months, and I said yes.
I genuinely felt like I had found my future husband and my person.
We fought a lot, and fought hard, for about 6 months.
I am not a perfect partner, and have done and said things I regret. I try to be accountable for my actions and words, and anytime he complains about anything in the relationship (which is never, he just keeps it inside until it comes out in explosive anger or in a passive-aggressive way) I try to listen intently and find a solution that will work for us.
After we moved, and in a highly stressful situation, I have learned that I tend to get into negative ruts where everything feels like too much. This makes me complain more often than normal.
He pointed out that I do that, and I have made an incredibly conscious effort to be more positive, and I have been largely successful (he has also admitted it).
I do, however, have days and times where things get to me. I will typically express things that I am stressed out about in calm ways, but even that annoys him.
When something he does or says upsets me or annoys me, and I typically express that like:
“Hey, when you said \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ it made me angry and I would like you to not do that in the future.”
to which he usually responds with an eye roll or an “it’s always something” “You’re never happy” “You’re too sensitive” etc.
Tonight, he admitted something that made me super sad.
And that is, that the nice things he does for me, like text me in the morning to have a good day, or make the bed for me, or buy me a coffee when I get home aren’t simply because he loves me and he wants to have a happy relationship, but it’s so he “doesn’t have to hear about it later”. Why would I continue a relationship where someone isn’t doing nice things out of love but out of resentment instead???
I feel that he resents me, but he says he still wants to be with me, despite showing me that he doesn’t care to work on or improve our relationship. I just am at my wit’s end and I feel super lost and really low.
TLDR; My boyfriend only makes improvements in our relationship or does nice things for me because he doesn’t want to hear me complain about it later if he doesn’t do them.
16 comments
Obviously I don’t know anything about this man, but phrases such as “you’re too sensitive” and “it’s always something” are very common within emotional abuse. If you’re starting to question yourself and whether or not you’re actually “too much”, that’s a warning sign within itself.
Also, someone should be doing things because they want to – not out of resentment or whatever. The nice things you’re describing that he does are very bare minimum, too.
If this is making you feel low, perhaps consider whether you feel he can actually change, and even whether this is someone you want to continue being with. Always remember you do have the freedom and the agency to leave an unhappy situation, heal, and potentially find something you’re deserving of.
>And that is, that the nice things he does for me, like text me in the morning to have a good day, or make the bed for me, or buy me a coffee when I get home aren’t simply because he loves me and he wants to have a happy relationship, but it’s so he “doesn’t have to hear about it later
yeah i mean there’s a little bit of that in every relationship. but if it’s the only reason he does these things, I’d have to wonder what love looks like to this guy. because if you love someone, you do stuff because you love them, and not having to hear about it later is sort of a bonus.
That’s definitely not a healthy dynamic between the two of you at all. Resentment is obviously built up and you should decide on working on things together through counseling, if not then this relationship won’t last.
I personally wouldn’t stay with someone who would admit something so hurtful like that easily. This isn’t being honest, this was intentionally hurtful. You deserve better.
And please don’t move in together with someone after only 5 months or move away from your support system so easily next time.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy and happy relationship. I’d leave if someone kept saying shit like “you’re never happy” and that I’m “too sensitive”
When you’re constantly fighting so early into a relationship, what that’s telling you is that you are not compatible with the other person. The first year of a relationship should be mostly smooth sailing; it’s solidly the honeymoon phase where you’re getting to know each other and falling in love.
It sounds like you two just aren’t good together. A year in and he already resents you? What do you think is going to happen 5, 10, 50 years from now? These are “married for a decade with kids” problems, not “still getting to know one another” problems.
It doesn’t sound like you should be together.
Sounds like this isn’t a great relationship!!
Thats like a woman just giving sex to a man to keep him happy.
I hope those people find each other one day and make there lives miserable.
I would leave, it doesn’t seem like the arguing is worth it.
It sounds like you have different relationship styles. Your boyfriend has made it clear how he feels.
To you its working on improving the relationship.
To him, it’s you constantly complaining and criticizing and telling him what he needs to change, and telling him why him and your relationship aren’t good enough. Which probably makes him feel like shit.
Rather than seriously evaluate how you have contributed to this dynamic, you’re blaming him, by framing at “he’s just trying to shut me up. He only does nice things so he doesn’t have to hear me complain. Why would I be in a relationship like this?”
Perhaps you should ask yourself what you’ve done to make your bf feel constantly obligated to you?
I mean you tell him when something he does or says makes you feel a certain way. Maybe seriously consider that your boyfriend feels he has to take precautionary measures to avoid you criticizing and complaining about him.
I’m not saying he’s blameless, but by your own admission, he rarely has complaints while you constantly do.
Breaking up is free and you don’t have to stay with anyone you don’t want to. If you’re really into making this work, I think you’re definitely at the professional couples counseling level.
But if I were you, I would just dip.
You’re way too young to be this unhappy in a relationship. End it now so you can both move on. Life is too short to waste time and energy on a relationship/people that aren’t working.
*”My (25F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been dating for just shy of a year and we’ve quite honestly had a lot of issues in that year”*
You do know that the first year should NOT be like that right?
*”We fought a lot, and fought hard, for about 6 months”*
That is HALF your relationship…….
*”I do, however, have days and times where things get to me”*
Aaaahhh see, your “problem” is that you are HUMAN………..EVERYONE has bad days, you are allowed to have bad days, and if he can’t deal with that……..tell him to buy a sex doll, they won’t have ANY bad days.
It’s time for YOU to figure out what YOU want next, do NOT be afraid to walk away from this relationship.
Being “alone” is ALOT better than being in a relationship where you’re unhappy.
*”Why would I continue a relationship where someone isn’t doing nice things out of love but out of resentment instead???”*
I don’t know why you would, i don’t think you should.
I think you should break up and find someone who enjoys doing nice things for you out of LOVE, Someone who will laugh with you on your “good days” and be a shoulder for you to lean and cry on during the “bad days”.
Honestly while relationships take work, it shouldn’t be difficult nor full of resentment.
It doesn’t sound like a happy or healthy dynamic for either of you
Take a few days and ponder if this is worth continuing because if it’s only been a year and it’s this awful, it will only continue to go downhill
Good luck, OP. I hope you find the solution that makes you truly happy
Hey, so obviously we only hear one side of the story here. My bf has also mentioned to me that he often feels like he’s not good enough because I always ask more of him/ have expectations that he’s not meeting, and it makes him feel like I don’t love him for who he is and always wants him to change his default behaviours, rather than seeing all the other ways that he shows me he loves and cares about me.
There’s no way for us to know how exactly your tone and the way you bring things up to your bf is, or how reasonable your asks are, and how often you have issues with him. But I’d like to offer a reframe – he’s doing all these things to avoid arguments with you and preserve peace. In another way, he values being with you and being happy/ content with you over the effort he needs to put in to do these, and he’s willing to do that for you. Contrary to other redditors, I don’t see this as a very hurtful admission by itself or that it’s resentful (but you should clarify with him).
If you want to stay together, couples therapy could be helpful.
It’s hard to give an opinion since it’s only half of the story. But to add to what other people have said here, the biggest issue (from my perspective) is that your BF has lost interest and is just “killing time” or “getting by” with the relationship.
The way he explains he’s basically forced to do little things for you so that he can get a reaction, tells a lot about what he thinks of the relationship. In a way, it would be like doing things for your boss so you can get a promotion or posting how you helped a grandma cross the street on social media to get likes. Those are things that aren’t done naturally but with an ulterior motive.
And let’s be honest these are very simple things that just come naturally. Texting someone good morning and wishing them the best for the day or buying coffee for the other are very simple things to do, but your BF sees them as chores rather than little details for a woman he loves.
I think you know at this point it may be too late since indeed he sounds resented and truly you don’t want to be with someone who does things for you out of “obligation” and not pure love.
The good thing overall is that I see you are very aware that you have issues yourself, that’s always the first step in self improvement.
Best wishes whatever you decide to do.