I broke up with a guy who I know was bad for me…
He’d flip out if I asked about his past, and he was often controlling, belittling myself or others, minimizing my feelings…He wanted to go out to clubs without me, and acted like I was being overly suspicious/controlling and trying to manipulate him. When I’d try to talk things out, he’d deflect and I felt like I was just constantly defending myself. The whole thing kinda blew up and I decided I can’t handle it anymore. I have had experiences like this before so it felt like my brain just hit a breaking point. I said ugly things. And then it was over.
He’s already been hooking up with people since our breakup. It hurts. I feel so much anger with myself. I realize now that I was often the one insisting we work through things while his dumb ass is now trolling the streets for casual sex.
The thing I’m most disappointed about is I felt for him…I wanted to be compassionate bc I knew he struggled with some things just like any human being. He put in effort. He tried. I really, really wanted him to trust me, to be present with me…I really cared, and I’ve been hurt in lots of ways, too.
I know I made the right choice, but it still stings and makes me feel like I should be “moving on”, too…Except, I don’t want to yet. I’ve done the whole rebound sex thing before and it doesn’t work for me.
I want to wait until I feel healed to sexually connect with someone who’s worth my time/love…
**TLDR: How do you deal with feeling like shit over a breakup, even if you know it’s for the best? How do you make peace with your choice?**
\[edit\] Thank you, everyone, for sharing your tips and experiences. It’s been both fascinating and comforting to learn how everyone views breakups and getting through them. I appreciate your responses <3
38 comments
Time and getting back to normal life without dating, whatever that is for you. Use the time on your hobbies, or take up a new one. Catch up on TV shows, books…go out with friends just to socialize…take a solo trip to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. In other words, live your life. In time, you’ll be past him and ready to try again.
Hobbies, friends, alone time. Self work.
Realize life is long. Don’t trade your longtime happiness for a moment’s sadness. Lift up your head and look forward. You will laugh at this one day.
You’re allowed to have emotions…
Good on you for cutting it when you felt it was going wrong but you still put physical, emotion and financial effort into that guy so it’s okay to mourn for your efforts or even the nice time he showed you (in between the bad).
And yes do take your time. Going out with clouded judgement will not bring you luck.
Take the time to heal and do stuff you liked doing when you were still single. Go out with friends, visit a new place, make a new dish or pick up an old hobby just keep yourself occupied.
Also realise maybe you need a bit of a cry to let it out. There is no harm in having a shut down evening and just put on soppy movies and eat ice cream but don’t let it drag on further. And don’t start taking narcotics to ‘feel something.’
You did right by yourself, be proud that it only lasted as long as it did and you didn’t buckle under him.
Take good care of yourself and your surroundings. Keep it clean and well lit. Focus on new positives and only go back out when you feel you are ready!
Best of luck, take care
Live my life, just as I did before meeting and during the breakup. I do some crying if I am feeling sad, and introspection so that I can look to things that I have learned for the future, but I try to stay active enough that I don’t have time to obsess. It helps that I have always maintained date/hangout nights with friends, even when dating, so there is not a huge gaping hole left in my life by their absence. I aim to add someone to my life, not make them the center of it.
Book a holiday, play sports, see friends, buy a sex toy, anything that distracts you and gives you some confidence back.
Following because I’m also going through a breakup and my partner is already dating again. I know breaking up was the right thing to do but it still hurts to know the memories we made together, he will now make with another person. Of course this is normal but it’s human nature to feel the pain and hurt. Honestly, what helps me is really crying it out and releasing it. And I remind myself that if someone doesn’t want to be with me, then that is just a massive and major turn off. Try to keep your days occupied but don’t suppress the feelings, don’t numb it out cause it might go against you in the future. I truly allow myself to feel the pain, breathe into it and through it, read books (currently reading: the breakup bootcamp by amy chan) and spend time with friends and family! Good luck to you. We got this!
You have to REALLY focus on the fact that he wasn’t good for you. Anytime I found myself thinking of all the good times with my ex I caught myself and started listing all the reasons why he wasn’t meant for me. It’s a chore, because you really have to be aware of your thoughts and redirect them. This worked for me. Hope it helps you.
In my opinion the biggest win will be cutting all contact with them. I don’t mean don’t call or text, I mean don’t look at their pages, ask friends to not tell you what they are up to, just step back and stabilize yourself. The first part of the breakup is the absolute worst and you need to surround yourself with a good network and ease back into things. If you eliminate them from the forefront, in time they will fade from the background of your mind. It may feel impossible right now, but break the day into 3 pieces. Morning, afternoon/evening, and night and just try to get to the next section of the day. Baby steps. I’m rooting for you, this community is always here to support you.
Good luck friend.
Yourbreakupbestie on Instagram helped me a ton! I listened to her podcasts a lot.
I find that doing something that pushes me out of my comfort zone often helps shake me out of this rut. Sometimes that is as simple as taking myself out to a nice dinner on my own. Other times it’s getting a new haircut, or traveling somewhere solo to regain that sense of independence and strength.
Secondly, completely break contact with the person. No checking their social media, no peeping their statuses, and don’t ask friends about them. If friends mention them, say “I’d prefer not to talk about them – I’m trying my best to move forward with my life, and they are no longer a part of that. Thanks for supporting me in that!”
And lastly, be kind to yourself. You invested into the relationship with the best intentions, and later learned he wasn’t worthy of that time/energy. It’s a good thing you realized when you did, and were able to break away. With time, you can translate that into more careful consideration of which relationships you are willing to go that extra mile for.
My therapist recommended a great book for when my ex and I broke up; it is called “Break Up and Break Out”. It is a book/workbook that helped me become okay with the break up and the ebbs and flows that come with recovering from a break up.
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Physical exercise. :/
Personally I started to Run, do yoga and meditation, reflecting the thought, emotions and go through with the grieve. I didn’t try to use any intoxication. I watched Bojack horseman. Finally, time not only heals but also bring a perspective. Good luck 👍🏽
I agree with a lot of the comments on here, but I also am a big proponent of therapy. Even if you think your breakup isn’t “bad enough” to warrant therapy, I’ve found that it helps me immensely with dating and having a professional there helps me see people for who they are before my feelings get too deep.
This guy sounds like a total dick and the warning signs were probably there before you guys were even in a relationship, but I think it’s easy to make excuses for someone when you really want that connection. You’ll get through this breakup, but the best thing you can do for yourself is take it as a learning experience so future you doesn’t have to go through this again.
Also — hope this doesn’t come off as blaming you for how things turned out. If I were to guess, a lot of the pain of this breakup comes from the conflicting feelings that a person who is no good for you has such a strong hold of your emotions. Therapy has helped me regain power in dating, and ending relationships feels more like a choice, not a loss.
I’ve had success writing “letters I don’t send” to my ex. Just about the way I’m feeling, venting at them. Helped me process the break up.
Going through something similar and this is what I’ve found:
1. My body was telling me what my mind wasn’t. I realized that my mind was swept up in the idea of this person or the hypothetical future “if only” scenarios, but my body was like “please hard pass this guy, what are you doin sis?” That also means exercise is great for me- any kind! But I find leveling out my nervous system calms my mind immensely.
2. I remember we’re all heading towards the grave. We have a finite amount of energy to invest in ourselves and share with others, why give it away to someone who doesn’t choose you? You get to choose today to put that energy into whatever fills YOU up.
3. Poetry! Do Not Love Half Lovers by Khalil Gibran and The Leaf and the Cloud by Mary Oliver are good ones to start with.
Choose you today!
It’s been 6 months since I left my abusive ex and I still can’t even text with another man. Sometimes we need time. My heart is absolutely devastated and I don’t want to give myself to anyone ever again at this point. I just know that I’ll feel better eventually and that’s how I go on about my life. I do a lot of dwelling. I went from living with him for 5yrs to living alone in a town an hour away. I’m lonely and sad and I just want him. It’s hard to understand, but maybe look up things about “trauma bonds,” and that’ll help out. It’s what made me decide to not go running back like I always did before. I realized that I deserved better and you deserve better, too!!
Get a dog. I never regretted it. Can’t say that from my choices of romantic partners
A lot of people say wait & heal. My advice is date sooner rather than later. Just don’t sleep with them early. You can date, have experiences without being intimate until you’re more certain of yourself.
In the moment of grief, days feel long. It feels like we have all the time in the world to process this loss and mope over regret. I say this as someone who did pine over someone manipulative. It wasn’t him I was pining for, it was the idea of him. It was an idea that was based on a false picture, partly one i’d created myself. Now I look at photos of him & honestly don’t even fancy him. In a year or two, you’ll look back & think I wish I moved on sooner, that I put me first, that I didn’t stay still while he moved up.
Time and no contact. Scrub your social media and focus on self-care. The only way out of heartbreak is through.
I still love people I know I shouldn’t be with. It stings less as the years pads and it fades eventually.
I learned that nothing matter in the long term. Like no one will remember me centuries from now. That if someone isn’t it, don’t try to make it fits. It is like we can’t fix people problems. We can’t be their savior even if we want to. It is best for them to figure it out themselves and for some people they never figure it out and that is ok because it doesn’t matter. What matter is today. Am I happy? If not, what can I do to improve my situation?
But that is how I approach everything. Job, etc. If I am lucky to live up to 80 year old, that is really only 4000 weekends. That is really it. If I am unlucky, then I will die younger and I don’t want to look back being sad or missing what is important to me. For my dog who is 8, his days are literally numbered. Every day, every moment counts. I like to make the most of every moment. Break ups are always hard. I would allow myself to grieve and then do more hobbies or things my ex didn’t want to make time for or want me to do. I do what is really best for me because life is short and I want to enjoy it before it doesn’t matter.
You chose yourself. Be proud of that. You will have your doubts about doing so as you were attached to this guy but you can clearly outline where he wasn’t a great person for anyone at this time. Be kind to yourself. Many people have issues, some you can work through ONLY if they are willing to change and see the error in their ways. Otherwise, good riddance!
My therapist always says to put the bad feelings, the anxiety, the pain on a scale. Because sometimes you feel good, and sometimes you feel totally awful.
When the pain is at a 6 or above, you distract. You do any of the things that make you happy, make you feel good, whatever that looks like — and you do not judge yourself. Watch the shows you want to watch, take baths, stretch, do crafts, self-soothe — bring yourself back to a place where those bad feelings are at a 3 or a 4, to where you are in a manageable state of anxiety, and you can see the situation more clearly. Where you can breathe again, and know the breakup really was for the best.
And when you are there, in the 3-4 zone or lower, that’s when you can actively process. That’s when you focus on making your peace with things. Write, I encourage to write, sit and think quietly, meditate on the choice, do the work of understanding in your conscious brain. Make sticky notes that you can put all over your home: **I am wonderful and worthy.** or **I did not lose “the one,” I lost the possibility that he could have been “a good one.”** or **Life is long and my best days are ahead** etc etc.
And, absolutely, NO FUCKING CONTACT.
Yes to everything everyone else said but also go through all of the emotions. Even the super shitty ones like jealousy, anger, hatred or the extremely sad ones. Get it out of your system. I have friends who aren’t over relationships from 6 years ago because they haven’t allowed themselves to feel anything about it.
After a while, remember to be gentle with yourself and forgive whoever you need to. For me, I needed to forgive myself for allowing myself to get into a bad relationship but it could be different for others. It’s been a year and a half and I still go through some sad emotions but they are much farther apart now. Remember it’s going to take time. Take care OP.
There should be nothing to get over when you make a decision to protect yourself from liars, cheaters and overall selfish people. You have to understand that the person you thought you loved was not real. The real person you were with was fake because he knows if he had shown his true self you would never have been with him. You are mourning the loss of your interpretation of what the relationship was or was supposed to be. You are not the bad person here. Hold your head up high and be true to yourself. Love yourself for having the foresight to see that he was not a good fit. You will find the perfect person for you. Wishing you the best!
Idk it’s been years and I’m still a mess.
I don’t normally write or journal. It’s definitely not my thing but sometimes I have to write down a reminder that the relationship was not good. I usually throw it away after but just writing how I feel and writing down the actual truth and not the version I saw through rose colored glasses helps me get past the feelings and not ruminate on them for hours or days.
I also think carefully about the specific things I miss… I miss the sex and I miss the adventures. I miss the version of myself I was when I was with him. I don’t actually miss him. Everything I miss about that relationship I can have again, I just have to put myself out there so I can find the right person.
For me it helps to keep a list of the bad things so that when you’re stuck remembering only the good times, you have it handy. I’ve been with my fiance for years now but I can tell you if he were to leave, I have a mental list of things he does that I will not miss in the slightest.
Let yourself feel the bad feelings too. You deserve to feel sad that you were not treated well. Feel it all until it’s a dull ache instead of a sharp stabbing pain, and then you’ll know you’re ready to move on to mostly not caring about him, and you’ll have room to care for someone else.
I just had 2 back to back breakups (I wasn’t expecting to be in a relationship after the first one). I cried with friends and family. Re-watched Schitts Creek. Just signed up for a personal trainer. I am taking a vacation tomorrow (although I’ll be working still and was supposed to be taking with him).
Honestly, I needed him to do a couple things for me post-breakup (call about flight ticket and drop my keys off). He lied about the first one and wasn’t available for the second. This really pissed me off because this was so typical of him. I realized I was happy he dumped me. I also realized that I shoved down all the bad stuff because I was desperate (my one friend reminded me of that).
Give yourself a hug and give yourself time, focus on taking care of you, warm baths, relaxing music, movies and ice cream, many ways to self sooth.. love yourself the way he should have. Slowly but surely you’ll get up again stronger than ever! Stay close to the people who make you feel happy and do things that light you up 🙂 I’m in the same boat.. good luck!
How? By stop keeping up with him and what he’s doing and how he’s doing. Keep working on yourself. Heal your heartbreaks. Keep in mind all the ways he’s hurt you. Stop romanticizing him. Fill your time with the things you like to do alone. See your friends. If you have the resources, find a therapist to work through why you don’t want to move on from this and why you feel that you don’t want to shut down your feelings. There maybe an underlying issue about you that’s making you feel this way.
Having sex with randoms isn’t “moving on”, its sad. Let him do what he wants. If he gets an STI or accidentally knocks up someone, send him flowers (chrysanthemums are associated with funerals, I’d go with that) 😂
In the past I’ve found it helpful to make a list of all of the reasons it wasn’t working as well as a list of the qualities I would want a future partner to have. Whenever I fell back into romanticizing his good qualities I would read over the list and it would really bring me back to reality.
Edit: Also reading the book Attached really helped me
He’ll hit you up in a few months out of the blue.
I feel you my ex and I weren’t the best couple we had our ups and downs but she decided it’s best we went our separate ways and she has already moved on and I can’t help but cry everyday all day just waking up really sucks knowing that she is out there with another man I just think about when I met her and all our memories we have together we made a beautiful daughter together and she’s all I have in life now it’s really hard
I try to remember that mixed emotions are okay. You can be relieved about a breakup and disappointed at the same time. You can be angry at someone for their hurtful behavior and feeling longing and care for them at the same time. The important thing is that you didn’t let your emotions run the show. You allowed your wise mind to decide that this wasn’t good long term and you needed to end the relationship.
I had an extremely painful breakup a little over a year ago. I knew he was wrong for me and that I dodged a bullet in the end. He completely broke my heart. As I was grieving the relationship, I let myself feel love for him. I did a lot of self talk that included “and”. “I love him and miss him and I’m really angry that he did that. I wish things could have worked out differently and i know I made the right decision to walk away.”
Have compassion for yourself. It’s okay to feel love and care for someone who treated us badly. The important thing is to not allow that love and care to take over our decisions to the point where we let them abuse us or fall back into the unhealthy relationship. This is why many people choose no contact for awhile right after the breakup.
I often say about my ex husband that I care about him from a distance. I do genuinely care about him and hope he heals and finds love again, especially self love. But it’s just a feeling. I do not act on it, other than letting him have our dog on his birthday or taking her when he’s going out of town (we share her) and occasionally asking how his parents are doing. I don’t cross my boundaries with him or get too friendly. I’m sad for him that he’s a little lonely, but it is unsafe for me to get too friendly with him. Just because i feel care for him doesn’t mean i need to act on every emotion by having a chummy relationship with him that is ultimately not safe and healthy for me.
So figuring out how to tolerate emotions of love, care, and lodging for that person without crossing into unhealthy behavior is very important in a breakup, I think.