Hello everybody,
I am 28y she is 24y, we have been living together with our kids (mine 8y boy, hers 3y boy) for TWO years on my homestead with animals etc. She always said how much she love it, how much she love me. my focus on family, my crafting skills, my body and red beard 😀 she said many times that i am all what she wanted from a partner. And we had a really amazing times. Great trips, always with kids as a family. Our boys love each other like true brothers. Her family likes me, mine likes her, everything perfect. I love her son like my own, he loves me the same. His first steps were right in to me arms.
Sadly, it started too soon after my last crushing breakup. For some time i was sleeping with my ex and with her (i wasnt in any relationship officialy), later she found out and wanted to talk to it. I said its closed and refuse any disscusion. Since childhood i am not able to process emotions properly, i was always trying to make myself a tough guy (boxing, army reservist etc). So, i never said her that i love her properly ( i know, two years, terrible). I somehow wasnt sure if she is the right one. She was trying hard to be best GF anyway, doing everything possible to make me feel love for her. Besides that, i became a perfectionist, so i was never completly satisfied with her and she knew it. I was able to by upset because of every little thing (mess in the house, her being dress unproperly etc.)
After two years she had enough and pushed me. So i said lets be friends who live together and are raising kids together ( yes, i was that stupid). Basicly, i broke up with her. With heavy heart and endless tears, she decide to left. And i let her. We were still close after that, everyday contact, helping each other with kids, having sex, but not together officialy.
After a month, she told me like 15x times that she is leaving her parents house, renting her apartment and getting a job. Once again, i let her. Still in contact, still having sex, still visiting kids. I missed her, but i was affraid to pull her back, i wasnt sure if it can be different. After month at a job, she started to telling me about other guys asking her out. I wasnt jealos at all, we were still together somehow.
And then it camed, few days after our last sex. One evening she told me that at her side we are still not closed, and for sure she will not start dating until i will. Second day she told me we are over, only friends from now. After two days it hitted me. I realize that they are gone ( she and the boy). I just jumped in to the car at the morning and runned to her, apologizing, begging, crying… pathetic. I was too late, doors are closed she said. She explained that she fell in love with her boss, and now wants to give it a chance. That we break up 2,5 months ago so she was waiting long enough, now she moved on. After this, i was begging her for two more days, trying everything… it ended up with me, going with another flowers to her work, where i met her new crush, and i wasnt nice at all :(. Stupid, i see it now. After that she told me that our friendship is over, and i cant visit my step son anymore. I was destroyed.
I wasnt able to understand it… after a week, we had a talk. She was sad, she was very sorry for my paint, she told me that we had amazing times together, she even said that she had best sex of her life with me (it was truly nice) but told me that its simply to late, that she can see our second chance in future maybe, but now she is giving a chance to the new love. In a meantime, i realize that she was reallly perfect for me, that she is the right one. She wants me in her life but now she will not communicate to prevent misunderstandings and false hopes. I refused to give up. Started with psychotherapy as she always wanted me to do. Working with emotions etc. And every week i am writing poetry for her and sending a flower, woodcrafting gifts for her or for the boy. Its been three weeks. No success so far, no answers.
Btw the new guy is absolutly oposite of me… 35y old, very fat, ugly, smoker, just left a wife with kids two months ago….but she said, he is giving her what i wasnt.. i was speding all my time with family, but mostly with kids, not her. With him she feels beatifule and wanted again..
I want to ask experienced ones, how high can my chances really can be? Is it possible to still win her heart back? Is it even fair from me?
Now i am sure she is a love of my life, and i know i can make it work!i cant help myself, i cant just throw towel in the ring, just because i fucked up the first round…
TL:DR I was a douch, i wasnt able to appreciate great women, i missed my chance with her, and now i not sure what to do.
Thank you a lot for sharing any insights
8 comments
The only person who can answer this question is HER.
You are a douche. She tried hard for two years and you moved the goal posts. She was never good enough.
How can you say you truly changed and things will be different IF she returns?
I think you are operating in crisis mode and out of fear. That’s not a place where she can have confidence in you, after offering *numerous* second chances that you rejected.
There are consequences for actions and you need to sit and think on them. You’re not entitled to your impatience.
> just because i fucked up the first round…
You didn’t fuck up the first round.
You fucked up by sleeping with your ex and with her, and refusing to talk about it with her. She gave you another chance.
You fucked up by always criticizing her and refusing to say that you loved her, for two years!
You fucked up by “breaking up” with her when confronted, but continued to see her and sleep with her.
She still gave you another chance.
She tried to warn you over and over that this casual non-relationship wasn’t what she wanted, that other guys were asking her out too. You ignored her.
Finally she left.
You’re through. This relationship is over. It’s not coming back. Move the fuck on and leave her alone.
Sucks to realize you’re an abusive partner but you can work on your flaws and try to turn into a better person. I hope your ex recovers from two years of emotional abuse.
Let her be bro. You’ve done enough. Time to move on & work on yourself. Perhaps it’s time to see a therapist, ngl you portray a lot of genuinely narcissistic tendencies which will continue to ruin your relationships if you refuse to look in the mirror & do the inner work, no one else is going to do it for you.
Edit: Even if she does take you back, the way you talk about certain things indicates that it’s going to take more than just effort to change your behaviour & abusive tendencies. I seriously recommend going to therapy for this. You have a strong sense of entitlement, even the way you were describing her, your describing what she thinks about you, saying youre the best x y z she’s ever had. You’re not giving reasons why you love HER. Time to move on man. Seriously just leave her alone.
If you are serious about being a better partner for her, you first have to become a better human being – and you have to do it for yourself, not just with the endgoal of getting her back.
1. BACK OFF FROM HER! Stop pressuring her – for the time being, become her friend and confidant. If you can’t manage that because of your jealousy, go no contact, just ask her to let you have visitation with her son. And apologize for pressuring and hurting her, and tell her you’ve finally realized she was right, and that you need therapy, and that you’ve started.
2. GET SERIOUS ABOUT THERAPY! Don’t just go there for form’s sake, to tell her about it – open up and use it to learn to deal with your emotions, to communicate, to empathize with others, and to be less egocentric – when you read your post, it’s always all about you. You never consider her feelings. Even now you want her back, just because you’ve suddenly realized she made you happy, after all. You don’t even care what she wants and what makes her happy. Learn to be better.
3. Once you have evolved into an emotionally mature grownup, and once your therapist thinks you’re ready, get back into contact with her as a FRIEND – check what her life is like, if she’s in a relationship, if she’s happy. Talk to her, explain the insights you’ve gained in therapy, and how sorry you are about hurting her feelings and the way you’ve treated her before. If she’s single, ask carefully if she could see herself giving the new & improved version of you another chance.
But you need to know that this will take a long time! You messed up BIG, and she’s not going to forgive you any time soon. You have to be in this for the long haul.
Leave her alone. You sound difficult and abusive. She has the rest of her life to live
The only reason you want her back is because she left .