I(26F) found a best friend(26F) in college 7 yrs ago. We were housemates with very interconnected lives, but once we graduated in 2019 we moved to different cities really far apart. The first few years we were good, but around 2 yrs ago I started making personal changes in my life. She internalized a lot (she told me this directly) and \~6 months ago I realized she started being really toxic. Some of it was related to our friendship and some of it wasn’t. I was getting really ticked off and I eventually confronted her a couple weeks ago. She blew up on me, but apologized later. Since then we’ve had multiple conversations about our friendship – she talked about her expectations and I talked about my boundaries. In the end she kinda catastrophized it and then we agreed to not talk for a long while.
I’m not sure if I was being too harsh with my boundaries? Or if maybe I was too frustrated with her to be nicer and accommodate her wants. There’s a lot of little details but I’ll try to address the main points.
Her feelings / expectations:
* If I don’t reply to her text at her desired speed it means I like everyone more than her, so she’ll fight for attention (be passive aggressive). She expects to be my highest priority in comparison to any of my friends.
* She expects to have only me as her best friend and that I be everything she needs friendship wise (more so emotionally than physically). She doesn’t care to grow other friendships, and if I have multiple best friends, it hurts her.
* She thinks her passive aggressiveness is being honest and is something she wants in her friendships
* In general, I don’ think she sees any of her behavior for what it is and doesn’t understand the impact it has.
* Ultimately, she wants more attention and needs external validation but doesn’t understand boundaries and has a hard time accepting anything else. I think she might have a very fragile sense of self and of reality.
Some interactions I’ve had with her for more context:
* I was gone for a weekend trip and she told me to tell her when I got back home. I flew home at night and let her know the next morning. Her reply was “What the f\*\*\*. you didn’t tell me”. When I tried to explain that I really did just get home she said “I wouldn’t know. You don’t tell me anything”
* I sent her a picture of a bar I was at with other friends and she said “where the f\*\*\* are you? I don’t even know who you are anymore, always partying and drinking”
* I don’t drink because I’m allergic to alcohol and she’s well aware of this…
* She was venting (through text) to me about how angry she was over her bf not prioritizing a really important event she had. I showed my distaste over how he was handling it and then she hit me with “well he’s a real guy unlike your bf who has his sh\*\* together”
* idk was that an insult towards both me and herself??
* I told her I might travel somewhere for vacation next year. She replied “wtf, see you never”
* She’s called my friends “friends” with quotation marks
Overall, it felt very possessive and I was suffocating. I tried explaining to her how my lifestyle is different now, and how life was feeling boring/empty since I was a big anti-social couch potato. (She’s the same way too and I think that was one of the big reasons why we bonded when we lived together) I started making changes – I tried new hobbies, new experiences, made new friends, and my life feels a lot more balanced now. I told her she was one of my best friends, but that my priorities and responsibilities look different now. I said I naturally don’t have the same amount of free time/energy to give like I used to, but that it was never personal. I acknowledged her need for more attention and told her we could plan calls to talk more. She said she understands and supports me, but her expectations are still the same. She also doesn’t see how problematic her behavior was and says it’s just me taking it the wrong way.
In the end I laid down my boundaries – 1) I have my own life and I’ll still try my best to be available when I can, but my time needs to be respected. 2) The way she was talking to me is not ok and she can’t be my best friend while treating me like that. She seemed extremely distraught by this because it was too hard for her to accept, and we had to agree to take a long time apart from each other.
Underneath it all I know she’s having a hard time in general (typical life and growing up stuff) and hasn’t found the strength to help herself. Was I too harsh or not empathetic enough with my boundaries? I feel like they’re valid but I feel bad that it seemed so difficult for her.
**TLDR;** My best friend and I had a lot of conflict. I set boundaries, but they made her feel very devastated and like she was going through a huge life crisis. Was I too harsh or not nice/empathetic enough about it?