I have known my best friend for about 2 years now, and when we first met I had a boyfriend. I had a crush on her pretty quickly but brushed it off as I hadn’t really accepted fully that I like women. I didn’t think about it again for a while, but when she got her bf I got very jealous. I got over it though, and things have been fine, until recently we were hanging out and I looked at her and realized. I’m in love. Not just friend love but genuinely in love.
She is bi, so I’m not worried about that. I just know that it’s soooo disrespectful to make a move on someone knowing they’re in a relationship. And she is happy with him. And I like him too! He’s a great guy!
When we talk to each other though I feel like I can pick up on some vibes that may indicate she might have feelings for me? But I don’t know if I’m reading into things. I love her so much and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but at the same time I don’t know if I can continue talking to her every day for hours upon hours while still working on getting over her.
Should I tell her? Or just distance myself and hope it goes away? Should I tell her, but in a way that’s like “I know you don’t feel the same, I don’t expect anything from you, but I feel this way and I want you to know why I’m distancing myself and that it’s not your fault. I just need time to get over this”? HOW should I tell her if at all?
TL;DR: I’m in love with my best friend, but she has a boyfriend, and I don’t know if/how I should tell her
ETA: I do NOT want to break up their relationship. I don’t want to date her. Ideally I would like to simply maintain the friendship but I’m not sure if that’s possible. She is my best friend and that friendship means more to me than these feelings. I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want to be with her.
7 comments
First off. She is not into you. Do not let that thought cement itself in your mind, it will only lead to pain. Simple as.
I would not tell her, and slowly distance for a time to see if it goes away. If it doesn’t, examine your friendship with her and see if you can deal with being friends only, if you can, close the distance again, if you can’t, then just keep the distance.
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Also, do not do not do not try and break up their relationship, for the love of god.
You are in a position where you can’t win. Because if you tell her, and it works, and she leaves her current partner for you, then forever in the back of your mind, you know somebody else can swoop in and do to your relationship what you did to their relationship.
If you feel that your feelings for her are so upsetting that it’s not possible to have her as a friend, you can confess your love with the plan of dropping her as a friend. Even if she argues for you to stay, you have to go then.
But here is what I would do, I would reduce contact, not talk daily, make yourself more busy than before or at least appear more busy than before. Try to interact with others and hopefully widen your horizon. Chances are you like her just because she is the only one you have gone below surface level with, and if you spend this time with somebody new, similiar feelings can come for them, and you don’t have to be in this situation anymore.
Wow. Don’t do that. That would make her feel that you were never her friend, just someone who was trying to get with her.
If you’re really friends with her, respect her relationship and don’t confess anything. Slowly distance yourself so you’re not talking hours q day with this woman.
I disagree with the comments here. I’ve been in this exact situation. I fell for a woman who had a bf and basically it became impossible to hang out with her because of my feelings. I wasn’t going to act on them because I do respect other peoples relationships. I did, however, confess, and basically told her that I need to take some space from the friendship because it’s too hard to be friends. And then I did exactly that.
I don’t understand why peoples first reaction to everything is just ghosting the person. You can tell someone you have feelings for them without implying you expect anything to happen. It’s pretty simple.
It sound like the time you spend with your best friend is fostering your romantic feelings. The only answer is to take enough space a distance to where you can clear your head and maybe meet someone else.
If you were dating someone, it would look bad if they were keeping someone else’s flame for them burning. She may not mean to be, but that’s where you current relation ship is.
Maybe consider her a good person to double date with or vet your other interests. Realistically, thought, you need to step back from one on one conversation and bonding until you can say those feelings are nipped in the bud.
I would recommend getting busy doing other things with other people for a while. You don’t have to artificially distance yourself without having stuff to do. In fact, that will probably make it so you’re pining over her all day every day, so don’t do that. Find a hobby or two, and carve time out of your day for them. Through those hobbies, meet new people. If, one day, she breaks up with her boyfriend and you feel the same, you can broach the topic.
If you confess now and you’re successful, what’s to stop her from leaving your relationship for someone else?
Huh. Just got out of a situation literally EXACTLY like this by confessing my feelings. The only difference is that she wasn’t with anyone else. I feel for you… the kind of agony that you’re going through probably feels pretty unbearable (as I know firsthand). I wouldn’t assume that she is into you, but I disagree with others and think it’s perfectly plausible that she is.
You have a right to your feelings! Personally, I feel that open communication is the best option, but when you talk to her, make sure you’re not putting words into her mouth. Don’t say anything where you assume what she’s feeling about you. I would frame it like you said in the original post. That way, you’re explaining WHY you’re distancing yourself. I did that (distanced myself from) the friend that I liked and she took it as me “hating” her, when I really felt exactly the opposite! It made me lose 3/4 a year with her, when we could have been together and/or still good friends. If you’re truly close and she doesn’t reciprocate, it’s something that you can get past. For you, it’ll still be painful, but a different kind of pain. At least you’ll have it off of your chest!
Personally feeling like other commenters are being a little harsh… I feel like nothing can ever be wrong with open doors of communication. Good luck, OP!