Is this fair? The ring we picked out is slightly under the budget we’ve been discussing for the ring this whole time. He lives with me and pays me rent each month that takes care of 80% of the mortgage payment but I still have our condo fee, all of other bills (internet, gas, electricity, water, streaming services) and groceries that I pay for so it’s not like he’s contributing more toward us living. I do make substantially more money than him but he has quite a bit more in savings than I do right now because he sold his house to move in with me and made a decent profit. Am I being greedy and unreasonable? Or should I just buy the ring myself and ask myself to marry me?
Edit: saying “80% of the mortgage” poorly explained this. What I mean is his rent total equates to 80% of the mortgage, but I don’t have an expensive mortgage. I pay for 70-75% of our monthly expenditures and he’s pays for the rest with how much his rent totals up to.
More additional context: Ring is $3k. We both agreed on this. I offered to pay for half at one point and he refused. Now right before we’re about to buy the ring he’s asking this question about not paying rent.
Edit 2: Thanks everyone for your comments. We are going to have a discussion when we’re back home later. I apologize for not explaining the financial situation with how much we’re both contributing correctly in the original post and any confusion that caused. I’m not going to respond to any additional comments because I’m a bit overwhelmed by how much this blew up but I appreciate all of your perspectives and I am grateful the responses were not all one-sided.
38 comments
Can’t you see the problems coming?
You will absolutely have constant financial arguments in the future if you marry.
Nothing depends on him now. Once he does, that’s when it happens.
Have him explain what the connection to the ring and rent are. (There is none).
Sounds like he can’t afford a ring. (Or is not proudly buying it and compelled).
You joke about buying the ring yourself and asking yourself but that’s actually closer to the truth. You are laughing about choosing someone with financial issues. That’s going to backfire on YOU. You will eventually be having to pay for everything / the main responsible one. He will not be spending in a way you want and you will resent him. Read the signs.
LMAO. Girl the relationship would be done. I’m buying you a ring so this month can you deal with the finances and bills. Like no. It isn’t normal and I wouldn’t want a ring let alone to be tied down with this type of man for life. Run.
Yikes….
>Or should I just buy the ring myself and ask myself to marry me?
Well you sort of are buying it. If he doesn’t pay rent, you have to pay it. Which means you’re losing money because he bought you a ring. His thought process: if I have to lose money, she is going to lose money too!
Quiz time!
Does your boyfriend have a victim mentality?
Does your boyfriend think of everything as transactional?
If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, do not marry your boyfriend.
I told my husband that a proposal in the mountains would be so romantic. This was in the early days of our relationship and part of a casual conversation.
For his birthday that year, he got his friend to “hint” to me that he wanted to be gifted a few nights in this lux Airbnb in the mountains. I paid a crazy amount for his birthday gift and he proposed to me during the trip. Later he boasted non stop about how he managed to make my wish come true with no expense on his part.
Almost a decade on we are in the middle of divorce proceedings stemming almost entirely from financial problems.
I would put engagement on hold and discuss finances in depth.
Don’t marry this guy. This is a huge red flag
If I were you I would pick a new boyfriend not a ring.
You have an arrangement for shared finances. This is just one more negotiated item.
If he can’t pay his bills and purchase the ring then he can’t afford it right now and needs to save more money.
You got a shut up ring, not an engagement ring.
You all need to talk seriously about finances. Also, you make “substantially more” money and he’s buying you a very expensive gift. It’s not unreasonable to feel that’s a bit one sided. Everyone here is saying “dump him” but I’d encourage you to look at this from his perspective and try not to get into the rut of thinking “he’s the man, he needs to pay for this.”
If he is not paying rent, then you are the one buying the ring. Partially at least..
The engagement ring should be a gift, not a financial obligation on which one barters for bills paid. And as such, the ring bought should be afforded with your extra savings, not coming from the bills part of your budget.
What exactly does your boyfriend think of marriage? Does he see it as an obligation? Or does he actually want to marry you?
If he had any other landlord, would he tell that landlord he just bought an engagement ring do the landlord will have to eat the rent? If you do this, you just bought your own ring. Who is paying for the rehearsal dinner the wedding, reception? He still needs to pay rent. Is he going to give you his profit from his home sake to go toward the mortgage once you are married or will you maintain ownership and he still pay rent? Will there be a prenup? I hope you do not live in a 50/50 community property state.
If you do marry this guy, PLEASE get a prenup. Prenup prenup prenup
Tbh it’s not unreasonable to split the cost of a ring. It’s a large expense and you make a lot more than he does while splitting bills in half. If genders were swapped, people would jump all over you for not splitting bills proportionally since he makes so much less.
If my future husband made less and wanted help covering the cost of a ring I wanted, I’d have no issue with helping. It’s 2024 boo, we don’t live in a time where you should expect men to cover large expenses solo when we make just as much or more than they do.
I’m probably going to be downvoted to hell for this, but was your bf okay with the budget you guys set for the ring or did he have reservations about it? If the budget is on the higher end of what he feels comfortable spending, or if he feels he’s being pressured into spending more than he would really like to, that may be why he’s pushing back with the rent thing.
It’s one thing if you all had a serious conversation around financials and rings costs and all that vs you saying “I want my ring to cost at least $x” and him feeling the pressure to make that happen.
The post is lacking too much information to really make a sound judgement here. How did you all go about setting the ring budget?
The whole tone of this post tells me you will probably be divorced in 3.5 years.
Additional Context: his parents never did an engagement ring nor wedding rings. He didn’t understand why I really wanted an engagement ring at first. I explained it’s extra sentimental and worth it because you wear it every day. He doesn’t value the engagement ring as much as I do.
I would tell him forget it.. I don’t want ring now.. you will start seeing a different person now.. no dollar amount of ring is worth amount of grief you’re going to start living with..
I couldn’t imagine doing this instead of just saying hey that rings a bit out of my budget right now
🚩 🚩 🚩
Why split bills in such a complicated way? Create a joint account to which you both contribute equally, or proportional to your means. Everything you do together, including marriage, is funded through this account. If you keep the house in your name only, you pay the principal from your personal account and the interest from your joint account. Bills? Joint account. Groceries? Joint account. That’s all there is to it, really.
No. Unless you two have decided to buy the ring together, which is fine. He pays rent/living expenses, regardless. If he then can’t afford the ring he’s chosen, then he needs to pick a ring he can afford. That’s what you say. If he didn’t live with you would he not pay rent for a month? No. I would also be curious about his actual financial situation and if this question wasn’t about actual need, I would be concerned and curious about how he actually handles things in life with that ridiculously immature question
I wouldn’t marry without seeing his credit report. I wonder if he’s hiding debt if this is an issue.
You should ask for the rent money and buy your own ring. That way, you won’t have to put up with him asking for it back when it doesn’t work out.
Girl he is already living cheap. Now he found a way to get you to pay for your own engagement ring. If you are not seeing red flags, you are blinded by love.
I give this engagement 4 years, as in, this was a shut up ring to string you along til he meets someone else. This is wild behavior.
Are you SURE he wants to marry you???
If he can’t afford an engagement ring….girl what makes you think he can afford a wedding 😅
I’m gonna tell you right now, **that man sees proposing to you and buying that ring as a burden and a chore** and not something he actually wants to do because he loves you.
Otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to offset the burden by saying “yeah but i got free rent out of it”
This is so unromantic
I think it’s indicative of a misunderstanding (for both of you not just him) of how money works when you’re married. It’s not “your” money and “my” money. It’s our money. So financially, once you’re married, it really doesn’t matter who “buys” the ring as the money is a shared resource between the two of you.
That said, it’s weird how he is asking to skip the rent because of it. It makes it seem transactional which is off putting…
Girl what?!! 🤣. He sold his house, kept the proceeds, moved in with with you, only pays a portion on the mortgage and you pay EVERYTHING else. Then has the audacity to ask you can he skip paying you rent because he bought a engagement ring?! I can’t.
My ex-husband never gave me an engagement ring because we were saving for something bigger (house and financial stability). I didn’t get a wedding or a honeymoon for the same reason. I provided for 5 years straight for the whole house while he became stable. I was denied everything that is traditional with a promise of stability. He was just a greedy, weak man child and I gave him 15 years of my life. Even the divorce I had to pay for most of it because he was laid off in the process of it. Anyways, run. If a man wants you he will provide and not try to negotiate out of things like rent.
Let’s just say this, money is a very important issue in marriages.
Heck, it’s no.1 cause of divorce (then infidelity).
I’d strongly urge you to reconsider your relationship because you know, if you feel like he’s trying to take advantage and/or vice versa, you will not end well together.
People don’t want to hear it because it’s a tough to swallow pill.
But couples that keep thinking about money as “mine” and “yours” have a SIGNIFICANTLY higher rate of divorce when compared to couples that merge their accounts and budget together. There’s plenty of data to back it up.
All that said, you’re not married yet and that was a dick move
Run away!