We have been dating for 4 years, and living together for the last year. For the most part, we have an absolutely amazing relationship – we are each other’s best friend, never get bored of one another, and love spending time together etc.
Fast forward to tonight, we got on the topic of some traumatic events that have happened in her life and how it has shaped who she is today. Whilst, I was already aware of most of these things as she has told me them over time, there were some things I could not completely recall which has really upset her.
She feels that I betrayed her trust by not properly listening to her in the past and now wants to break up as she thinks I don’t know her on a deep level.
I have tried to reassure her that I love and care about her but she doesn’t seem to want to listen at all. It really hurts because I fully understand how I let her down, and didn’t mean to offend her like I did.
She has now packed up all her clothes and has said she’s leaving in the morning.. the issues were around her abusive dad, being neglected by her mum and their divorce. She wants me to explain myself, but I don’t know what to say as I never intentionally set out to hurt so much?
Tl:dr: I forgot key details in traumatic things my partner has gone through. She now wants to break up as I broke her trust.
Update:
Today has been rocky. We spent 2 hours discussing / arguing in the morning, where I again apologised and let her know I was truely sorry and wanted to work on things. She was insistent that she didn’t need to apology, and was getting agitated every time I said sorry.
She said I lacked empathy, which confuses me bc since she has been upset I have completely seen her side and understand why she feels like she does. She wanted me to admit that I knew nothing which I refused bc I know the main things that happened in her childhood, just didn’t fully remember the details that caused them.
After talking for a while, she didn’t end up leaving and I have tried my best to make her feel better. I cooked her lunch, bought her favourite flowers which she appreciated but then was upset again a few hours later. She still says she not comfortable being around me her and that she struggles to look at me. I offered her space for the rest of the night and suggested she call one of her friends as it might help.
13 comments
You are not her therapist. I think it is right she leaves because she needs a therapist, not a BF.
You also don’t need her Trauma to dictate your relationship, so use this opportunity to find someone in a healthy position in their life.
A reasonable partner would potentially be a little upset, but would correct the details you got wrong and talk about how they want you to listen more. It is not reasonable to break up and pack up over this. Either your ex-girlfriend is unreasonable, or this is just the the straw that broke the camel’s back, and there have been a lot of other issues leading up to this.
If it’s the first, then breaking up is for the best, because she needs therapy, not a boyfriend.
If it’s the second, you need to take this time to do some honest self-analysis and figure out if the problem was really just this one conversation, or if it’s due to other problems you didn’t mention or bad habits (like not listening) that killed your relationship over time from a hundred small cuts. Take this as an opportunity to analyze your behavior to see if it led to an avoidable breakup, and use that in future relationships to avoid the same pitfalls.
Wow. Does she usually overreact this much when she gets upset? I don’t think you did anything wrong. I don’t remember every little detail from stories my husband has told me. And I don’t expect him to remember everything I say either. If she cared about you she wouldn’t be up and leaving at something so minuscule. Maybe there are other issues you haven’t identified and this pushed her over the edge. But if your relationship is really as great as you say it is there is no reason she should have packed her things to leave. Unless she was looking for an excuse to leave you. I am sorry that you are going through this right now. Best wishes.
If what you want is a relationship completely controlled by what she deems important than keep chasing it. Very few people remember someone else’s trauma 100% and she’s wrong for expecting you too. Getting upset is one thing packing e erything up and leaving in the morning sounds like a planned event and she’s using her past as the excuse to keave.
Maybe she just meant to say in your own words the key events that you forgot? Like just so she knows that you know?
You see who she became and will continue to be. She needs to realize that people who aren’t her won’t feel the same about her trauma or how it shaped her. She about that journey bc she has lived it. Where as OP has been an outsider and seen outcome.
Hurt related to trauma stuff just might sting more for some people.
I’d just say sorry, since it sounds like you are. And add that you do remember/reiterate what you forgot. And then finish it off by telling her how she is in the present.
Or maybe she actually means all of it completely.
Please give her space when she allows you space right now. She is responding in a traumatic way. Do not be judgemental of her in this moment, as frustrating as that may be. When you can talk, keep it simple. I apologize for making you feel that way, and could you please share with me what I don’t know? IE..because you love her and want to.. In the future, absolutely you can discuss counseling. Now, is not that time.
People have different memories. Some have vivid, movie-like recall of events. Others have facts/highlights stored in their memory.
My ex would complain about this. She would recount, in detail, her top 5 favorite times we’d had sex, and she’d be devastated that I didn’t remember those times. At the same time, she couldn’t remember my birthday until our third year of dating, whereas I never forgot a date. I’d remember everything important with us but I could not recall specific images or feelings.
Your girlfriend is making the assumption that your memory works the same way hers does. The reality is that you each process information very differently. Add this to the fact that she is the one who actually *experienced* these events, whereas you only *heard* about them, and it makes perfect sense why you don’t hold the same details in your mind.
You did not hurt your girlfriend. She is being either unreasonable or misinformed, and if she is making it your problem and acting like you are uncaring despite anything that could prove otherwise, that is toxic behavior.
What does she want you to explain?
Short of repeating that you didn’t mean to hurt her by not knowing details (it doesn’t sound like you just plum forgot? But don’t remember enough?) … what else could you say that would help her move past this? Does she want to move past this?
If she wants to go, let her go. It sounds like she is dealing with a lot and I’m not sure how productive it is to quiz your partner on trauma. I don’t know if she has other support systems in her life (therapy?) but if not, and you’re it, that’s not fair to her or you.
What are the kinds of things she expected you to already know? eg if the trauma was not getting a toy back when taking away vs being abused – of course that would make a difference in how much you would need to know that information and store it so you can upport her
This is tough and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
I can definitely relate to your side of things. I think a very common thing is to divulge trauma once, in the early stages of getting to know someone, for the person sharing to be exhausted by that conversation so they don’t have it again, and for the person receiving to feel uncomfortable asking for more/clearer info.
When I started college, I had recently gone through some really hard stuff. The friends I was making back then got to hear about it when we first became friends. Now we’re in our 30s and I’ve had to remind them of the details over the years, because one conversation, even a Big Deal one, isn’t going to glue it all into their memory, and that’s totally fine. I appreciate that they care enough to clarify.
Similar situation with my best friend who I met around the same time– she’s been through all kinds of shit with her family, and when she first told me about it, she did it so casually that I didn’t even register how important it was until later. Now I know and I ask for clarification when I need it too.
I wonder how much of this comes down to your GF not wanting to have to repeat herself because she’s got stuff that’s hard to talk about. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you forgetting, exactly, because that’s normal and human, but I get why it would hurt her. She feels like you weren’t paying attention or didn’t care, which isn’t the case, but this stuff is so central to her that she can’t imagine someone who knows and loves her not having it be central to their understanding of her too.
Good luck, man. I don’t know if it will get worked out, but hopefully there are some communication lessons to be learned her either way.
Sounds like you would be better off without her! I wish you luck!
You are not her therapist, and honestly this proves that you see her for more then her past. She is not only someone who has experienced trauma, you see much more than that. If her trauma is that much a part of her identity she needs to go back to therapy or do more therapy then she is doing.
She needs to spend more time with a professional processing her trauma. You probably should let her go before you get traumatized by her and it affects potential healthy relationships in the future.