I (41F) met my husband (42M) when we were 17 and 18 years old. He was in a band back then with one of my best male friends which is how we met. I was crazy about him when we were teenagers, but after graduating high school I moved away for college, and we lost touch. Fast-forward 20 years. I moved my parents in with me in 2012, and he was raising two sons on his own (their bio mother had been gone most of their lives). We reconnected over FB, and the timing was right. We had both been married, divorced, but were at that moment single. I admire my husband for his fortitude, he is an honorable man who did what many men wouldn’t have stuck around to do. He struggled financially for many years as a single-parent but got by. He had also all but given up on his music several years prior and had only recently gotten back into it. He is a beautiful and gifted singer and guitarist, it got me when I was a teenager and still tugs at my heart now. But he gave it up to go to vocational school to support his boys, he’d sold everything except an acoustic guitar his dad gave him and had almost no gear, so he was pretty much starting from scratch when he started playing again.
By the time we got together again, he’d gotten some basic equipment. His “studio” was the corner of his living room or sometimes the bedroom with nothing but his acoustic guitar and phone to record videos. While it was a hobby more rather than a career, music is something he has always been passionate about and loves. Music has also always been important to me. It is a passion we share and brings us closer. We were still dating when he and his dad started an acoustic duo. At first, just the 2 of them. Within several months they added a drummer, and then a bassist. I was very supportive all the while. I sat on FT in the evenings and listened to them rehearse. I would drive 8 hours to come see them play (oh yeah, I lived out of state at first) and would record their sets so they could post the videos on their FB page. The first few sets of band pictures they used to promote were photos I had taken. He still didn’t have a lot of equipment when we moved in together. With my parents and me here now, I take care of things at home and the boys while he goes to rehearsal and gigs. When we moved in together, I moved us to a house that has a large building across the driveway that we made his studio, a space he’d always wanted. I took over almost all the expenses which left him with his entire pay to cover a couple of his bills, but the rest he was free to use on music. It makes me happy to see him happy.
Over the past couple of years, their notoriety has increased across the city. Since we’ve been together, they went from just him and his dad playing at a corner table in a restaurant to a 4-piece band with all the bells and whistles from stage lighting to fog machines. Most of this took place after we moved in together bc he was able to afford better equipment and now had a real space to rehearse. My parents and I help take care of anything the boys need, and he doesn’t have to worry about leaving them home alone when he has gigs, especially out of town. The band is getting noticed and playing in other cities. In the past 8 months, he joined a 2nd band, so he now plays both. This band has now also built a solid reputation that continues to grow.
Now, to the point. A local music association just gave my husband recognition for his achievements in the local music scene. An article was posted, and most of it was his bio story he wrote himself. He talks about starting to play at 12, mentions the people he’s played with before and all those he plays with now. Name drops several other past bands and people. He mentions our boys and having gone on hiatus from music for a while to provide for them. He notes a friend that got him back into music, his dad approaching him to start the acoustic duo, names the other band mates in both bands. He abruptly ends by name dropping the two bands again and (paraphrasing here) saying, so that’s it! That brings us to today! Keep a lookout for ___ and ___. See you at the next show!
He gave credit to a lot of people, but after all we’ve been through so far on this journey, to get to the end of that long bio and there not be a single word or even a hint about me, I was stunned and very hurt. Wouldn’t have known he even had a SO. Everything I’ve done to help, the expenses I’ve taken over so he could pursue this passion, the stress I put on myself with now 4 jobs to take care of this family, the role I’ve happily accepted with two stepsons (he doesn’t know any of their teachers or even their doctor, that’s all me), the nights I’ve gone to gigs when I was exhausted bc I knew it was important to him, taking their videos/photos for promos, taking the boys to his gigs, getting up in the middle of the night to pick him up with all his gear bc of a flat tire, the furniture/lights/pads/guitar racks, even a mini fridge for drinks that I got to help set up his studio. I then smile when he’s excited about the 7th bass guitar he just got and explains the tiny thing it does different than the other 6 already hanging on the racks.
I could understand if he’d done all this on his own and THEN we got together, but I’ve been here from the start. I don’t care about recognition from others, what bothers me is HE doesn’t consider me an integral part of all this. Here this whole time I thought we were in it together. And even if I hadn’t done all of that, it’s common sense to include a spouse somewhere in a bio, “I wouldn’t be where I am today without my beautiful wife” would’ve sufficed. When I tried to talk to him about it, his response was, “I didn’t mention anybody really” like his late mother who bought his first guitar. Ok, so I’m not just “anybody”, I’m his wife who has supported him emotionally, financially, and logistically (especially with the kids) through all of this. On top of that, to use his dead mother?? I’m his wife, not his mother. It’s not my intention to downplay the importance of it, but there is difference between the level of commitment and support of giving a 12 yo child a beginner guitar vs everything I’ve done for him. Plus, not crediting his mom doesn’t justify disregarding his wife as well. He said I was being dramatic and that it wouldn’t have made sense for him to bring me up in a piece about his music, yet he mentioned a lot of ppl including the boys, and I’ve been literally and figuratively at the foot of the stage through it all.