I have a long time friend that is just terrible with money. It wasnt so bad in the past because we were broke college kids before, it was pretty self contained as we couldnt afford much. We bonded over cheap stuff like camping, hiking, and cooking. But over the last few years, now that we are working, the friend is getting worse.
Earlier this year my friends ancient econobox car finally crapped out on him. He asked for my help to choose a new car he could afford, and I suggested to get the cheapest reliable transportation he could, just something cheap and japanese. He wanted something new, with AWD so he can go ski and have an outdoorsy lifestyle. I mean nothing wrong with that as long as he can afford it.
Granted my friend doesnt make a bad salary but already has like 80k in student loans, so I advised him against it. Well he finally goes out and buys a new awd SUV with no down payment. He justifies it a million different ways, but I guess it can just barely be justified because of how expensive used cars are at the moment, the lack of good options, and how much it would improve his quality of life going from no car to AWD SUV, so whatever. Either way though, it was at the edge of what he could afford. But he could just barely manage the payments if nothing went wrong, and he wasnt terribly underwater on it. I told him to go work uber eats for a few weeks until he has positive equity on it, and he should be fine.
A month later, before he has even made the first payment on it, he decides his new car is a piece of shit because of road noise. He insists its a defective lemon (its not he is just being irrational and trying to justify getting rid of the car he just bought) and now he wants a bigger car that costs 40% more. He asks me if this makes sense to do, thinking you can just return a car like its a pair of shoes. I sat down with him and spend almost an entire weekend explaining slippage, depreciation, fees, trade in values, how he will be losing his ass if he goes ahead with this second deal so soon after buying his first new car as he will end up with $12k of negative equity, and how he will be basically fucked financially for the next 5 years, god forbid he loses his job. I spend literally days explaining why rolling negative equity is a terrible idea. He responds a number of different ways, first saying I should take anxiety meds cause I worry to much, then having a temper tantrum like a kid because he just wants it so much and I’m the only one not telling him how awesome it would be (enabling) and everyone else is encouraging him to get it. Verbatim : “I guess that I should just stay home and do nothing until Im 60 like you are” as if fucking yourself over financially or doing nothing are the only two options in life.
Well, he ignored me and just traded his new car in for the bigger one. Probably half of his income now is just minimum debt payments. After literally spent weeks going through numbers with him, trying to teach him about financial literacy and saving and budgeting towards his goals, just for him to blame me for things, bury himself in car debt when he is already buried in student loan debt.
I’m so upset, that actually I want to end the relationship. And actually, I want to go to therapy to figure out why I feel so distressed and guilty when I see my friends or family destroy themselves. Its not my business. I understand people will make the decisions they’re gonna make. That they’re gonna learn one way or another. But that doesn’t mean I need to be around to be the scapegoat, and watch him self harm when its upsetting to me.
My friend says I’m the one being irrational and over reacting, but this is not the first time he has done a dumb decision like this and he ends up paying for it for a long time. And I have to be there to hear him moan and complain about how shitty his life is, with just a total lack of self reflection. Frankly I don’t even see the positive aspects of this friendship anymore. Every conversation is about his problems. At what point am I just enabling self harm? I dont want to do it anymore.
TLDR: Am I over reacting for wanting to end a friendship because I wont watch them commit financial self harm anymore?