So long post sorta sorry. Seeking a little advice and some support i guess. So couple weeks ago I was drunk and guess i managed to tell my wife during sex about a fantasy of her sleeping with someone else. I’ve kept it in for years (it’s the only secret I’ve ever kept hidden honestly). Mainly for fear of rejection and embarrassment and also not understanding it even myself bc I’m more of an alpha guy. I can’t tell you when it started or how or why or if I would ever even want us to do anything like it. It’s been a mere fantasy and that’s it. I’ve never felt this way with any gfs or anyone previous to her. I have watched porn in the past but have not for long time now. I watch videos or pics of her anytime i masturbate. So she was obviously shocked and maybe appalled idk, she’s doesn’t really have any kinks or anything she’s not like a real kinky person in general, wish she was more but that’s her and it’s fine to me. I know she would never be open to anything like this anyway.
I don’t understand my fantasy wish i never had it. She did role play during sex after telling her though and to me..some of the, if not the, hottest sex we’ve ever had, like the things she said made me want her more than recently. I can’t speak for her but she seemed to be enjoying sex as well from what i could tell.
1 thing after it is she’s called me a cuck picking almost on me which i hate bc I’m not into cuckolding i don’t want to be shamed or humiliated etc it’s not that fantasy. I’ve researched different psychology and best i can see is i could have like a sperm competition/compersion fantasy almost?? Maybe i just want to role play only, or maybe it’s just bc to me she’s is literally perfect in every way and it’s like I’d gain pleasure from seeing her being pleasured bc of how sexually attracted i am to her. She can’t understand how attracted i am to her. Any time i watched porn in the past i always searched for someone that looked like her every single time. It’s sorta sad how attracted i am to her lol. And maybe it’s the sperm thing and i get turned on like “making her mine” ya know.
idk I’ve never spoken about it bc I’ve kept it hidden. So otherwise we have a very trusting relationship. Very close etc. but do i even try to talk to her anymore about it?? Her picking at me has embarrassed tf out of me and made me wish more than anything i had never opened my mouth and been open. Rather have gone to my grave never speaking about it. But at the same time she’s the love of my life and i don’t want to keep any secrets from her.
She means more than anything to me, at this point I’d rather never speak about it again and just bottle this inside for the rest of my life bc it’s not worth causing her any more stress than she has bc she does so much for our family and even though it’s a secret of mine I’d never want to burden her with anything, she deserves the best life literally she’s the best person she’s just not kinky is all.