My boyfriend, Kevin, is an absolute sweetheart. I adore him, and we’ve been together for about a year now. He was my first, but he’s had a bit more experience than me. Sex used to be trilling, and something that we did often. I enjoyed it, but no matter how hard we both tried I just couldn’t seem to finish. After nine months of this happening, it’s began to drag our sex life down. I feel bad, disappointed, and angry. Kevin, bless his heart, comforts me and tries to reassure me. What starts out as heated, hot sex ends in one of three ways: a) me crying because I feel broken, b) distancing myself from him out of misplaced resentment, or c) being over it, ending our session, and going to bed. That being said, I want to say I don’t blame Kevin for how I feel. He’s genuinely been so sweet through all of my struggles with intimacy, so please don’t get the wrong idea. He isn’t the problem. I am. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve researched methods, changed medications, ditched sex toys to bring back sensitivity, tried to spice things up despite being painfully vanilla, just about everything I can think of. My fear is that this isn’t just a physical issue, but possibly a mental one, that my view of sex has morphed into something that’s uncomfortable and not worth engaging in.
I have diagnosed BPD and chronic depression. I take medication to combat this, which honestly only helps a little. Anything that makes me feel even a little better is great, but it takes longer for me to orgasm, even by myself with a vibrator (about 30-45 minutes.) This goes for any medication I’ve ever been on. So it’s either I have a drastically low libido or I hate myself, in which most people would choose the former like me. So I know that’s at least part of the issue, but one I likely can’t do much about without going into a major depressive episode.
I had been single for years before Kevin. I had a nasty habit of using a vibrator everyday, highest setting, high pressure. To the point where I have to relearn how to finish with my own fingers, which I had not much luck with thus far. I’ve been getting off toys it so it might help my natural sensitivity come back. My sensitivity gets better ever so slowly over time, but if I use a sex toy even once, even very lightly, it will start me back from square one. So the usual advice of “use sex toys!” is out. Because, honestly, I feel even more insecure about only being able to use vibrators to finish than not being able to come period. I want us to be intimate. Not me, him, and a cheap vibrator from Spencer’s.
We’ve tried spanking, blindfolds, handcuffs, or other spicy things but they don’t really turn me on… and if anything just makes both of us feel awkward 🙁 We’ve even tried obscure positions, but it’s just not working out. I legitimately feel so bad for Kevin, he’s been such a trouper. With my mood swings and stressing about this and having misdirected anger towards him, he’s a literal saint and the love of my life. I’m so lucky he puts up with me. If anyone can give me reassurance, advice, or anything like that please do. I’m literally exhausted.