Hi all,
Just got married and already separated. Need to know if I’m overreacting for being so upset, and whether I’m a fool for even thinking of taking him back.
Some background
We’ve been together 14 years – what I loved the most about him was that he was loyal, truthful and had a good heart. When we met, he knew everyone considered me to be a knockout – even though as a curvy petite Latina type, I wasn’t his preferred type which were blondes.
We’ve been very solid, living together for 8 years and the later marriage was because we were building our careers.
2-3 years ago I became very stressed finishing my law degree and then working in a job where I worked 70 hour weeks for a solid year and a half. I stopped taking care of myself and put on about 20kg. I admit I didn’t look anywhere near as good as I used to, and was chubby.
I noticed my husband pulled away and asked him multiple times if there were any issues on the attraction front, and whether he was ok with me working this hard to try and make Partner within 5 years, even if it meant my body was showing the physical stress and toll it took on me.
He always denied any issues and said he supported my vision and goals for us. But he didn’t sleep with me for those 2 years.. and said that it was because of his own work stress and how tired he was.
The issue
2 weeks before the wedding he went on our bucks. He knew the boundaries – strip clubs are fine, but no touching and he assured me he would never break that.
After a day of drinking, the boys decided to end the night at the strip club. My husband was very drunk at this time but remembered certain moments clearly.
This included:
– one lap dance (with a naked girl, full touching) in front of all of his friends where he was aroused and telling the stripper he was enjoying it – there were 3 others that he doesn’t remember.
– a private show with a naked girl who was touching him. He said the thought of me popped into his head, but when it did, he just thought about how I’m fat and ugly, and that he’s not sexually attracted to me. He thought about how he deserves the naked girl on top of him, and when will he get this opportunity again? He said he told himself he could lie and blame it on the bucks night and the alcohol.
– in the private show they apparently were getting very hot and heavy – all the way up to dry humping and simulating sex. It was only when the stripper then pushed for actual sex that he realised that would be the point of no return and left. He admitted he really wanted to have sex with her.
His friends paid for all of these shows, and extra for touching (even though it’s illegal to touch where we live).
Before the wedding he told me there was a private show and lapdance, along with a group dance. He told me he was completely wasted and had no idea what was going on, and would have never wanted to do that. I believed him and we didn’t end up postponing the wedding.
After the wedding, I kept noticing inconsistent statements about the night, and eventually over multiple nights of me asking for a clear story – he finally told me the actual truth.
I am devastated that:
– he lied to me before the wedding day (I would have postponed the marriage – now we are looking at annulment or a divorce…)
– he disrespected me in front of mutual friends by having another woman perform a sex act on him with the lapdance and show his arousal in front of our friends
– essentially almost having sex with a stripper, and actually thinking of me in such a horrible way before choosing to do that act
– he is not the man I thought he was…
Now that the truth is out:
– we are separated
– he is saying he’s devastated, said he realised how disrespectful he was to me and that he believes this stems from his own issues. He said that he focuses on the negatives, eg if I now had a tummy – which would override anything positive about me. He would then idealise other women he checked out, despite being so critical of me. He understands that this is not normal.
– he said he has to think about what this means for him – can he ever be attracted to a woman for the long term, ie if she gains weight with kids etc., but also to me, if I don’t maintain the original weight I had (+/- 5-10kg) since we first met at 21.
– he does seem genuinely broken and remorseful now that he realises we are likely over.
– we will be going to counselling.
I did lose 10 kg before the wedding day – and he now says he finds me very desirable again..
I know him to be a good man, but his actions show otherwise. Am I a fool for even thinking of taking him back if he is now truly remorseful?
TL;DR: husband cheated on me at bucks night, lied about it until after wedding day, said it was partly because I had gotten fat. Is now remorseful. Do I even consider taking him back?