I (23M) have been dating my girlfriend (23F) for about a year and a half now.
She lived in a house with 4 of her girl friends, for about 3 years, the final year was while we were dating.
We started off as friends for a few years, but never close friends, just mutual in a friend group. We would hook up often whenever we would see eachother out, no sex, just hook ups in a club or bar etc.
A month before taking her out on our first date, I hooked up with her at a friends birthday. This was followed by a few weeks of talking over the phone, flirting- what we would normally do when we would speak over the our entire friendship. There was always a mutual liking to one another.
Eventually I asked her out on a coffee date (our first date) which went well to my knowledge. On the date, she invited me out that evening, but I was in the middle of exams and declined. I gave her a kiss goodbye, and I could tell she genuinely liked me. I’m the past I’ve asked her about our first date, and she told me she had butterflies after that kiss.
Anyways, that’s the backstory of our first date.
Come about 4 months ago. We were going through her phone together looking at old messages, and I asked to see what she’d said to her friends after our first date.
We find a message to one of her friends saying the date went well, and then she scrolls down…
The message reads “I had sex with x last night and it was soo good” ( “last night” being that night of our first date)
Man it really hurt me after reading that. That feeling when your stomach drops and you just feel sick. I obviously explained why it hurt (because this was the night of our first date).
She explained to me that she’s not the girl she used to be. She didn’t know I was a really good guy, one that would treat her soo well. She said that after moving into the house with her new friends she felt left out as she had never had sex. She says she was pressured to fit in because all of her girl friends were actively having sex.
I understand that every girl has her past. This is not a her issue, this is a me issue. We weren’t dating, she did nothing wrong. But this doesn’t align with my own values. I have always tried my best to never mess people around. Sex was also never a top priority for me, my guy friends had a lot of sex, I also used to feel pressured to have sex, but I never went around sleeping with whoever and whenever. (I’ve slept with 5 girls, she’s been with 13 guys, as some background)
I asked if there was anyone else after that night of our coffee date. There was. Between our first date and our first time being intimate (about one month) she had sex with two guys. The coffee guy and another guy.
I’ve been trying to accept her past a few months. But the same questions keep on coming up.
Why did she not turn to me/ pursue me first after our date? Was I the third choice?
Is it possible for someone to have been so pressured by her friends, that she slept with 13 guys in two years? Surely people only do what they want to do and she was having fun. Was her saying “I was pressured” just an excuse to make me feel better?
Why did she not tell me that she had been with these guys instead of me having to find out ? Is this not normal to disclose? (Reminder: this is my first relationship)
I feel as if it was something I deserve to be told.
And the last question I ask, I have answered myself
If she did tell me, and I did knew that she had been sleeping with other guys after our first date. Would I have asked her to be my girlfriend? The answer is no. I would have told her I am not someone’s second choice, stying true to my own values.
This is the one that confuses me the most even though I have an answer for it.
This girl treats me like a king. She is always there for me. She is supportive, understanding, generous and caring. All the qualities I look for in a partner.
I think the main emotion I am feeling is scared.
This is my first real relationship and hers too.
The way that she currently tells and shows me how much she loves me makes me feel sad. Because I have these lingering thoughts in the back of my head, it makes my “I love you too’s” feel fake. I have developed a sense of resentment towards her past. This is the girl I thought I was going to marry.
The thought of breaking her heart brings me to tears. She is so precious. I can’t do it to her because she doesn’t deserve it, but she also doesn’t deserve someone that doesn’t fully accept her for who she is. The thought of breaking up is also scary. Our family and friends are close.
Am I too far in my thoughts to stop resenting her past? Are my thoughts/values silly?
I don’t know, I feel like I’m on a seesaw going back and forth between extremely happy and extremely sad. Im all ears for some thoughts on this situation.