I know how this title makes him look, but hear me out, I genuinely don’t know what to say to him and would love some advice.
I (18F) have been dating m boyfriend (19M) for about 7 months now.
My boyfriend is going to Europe next fall for three months, he’s been planning this for a while and is very excited. I’m obviously quite sad he’s going and I don’t want him to go, but I also understand that this is an amazing opportunity for him and one of his dreams.
I’ve been sacrificing a bit for this trip, and I feel like I’ve been a very understanding/chill girlfriend about it all. We’ve stopped going out for nice dinners (it’s been only fast food for the past couple months), we don’t go on dates where we have to spend much money, he hasn’t been getting me any sort of gifts, etc etc, as he is saving all of his money to pay for the trip. As much as I don’t really want him to go, I am being as supportive as possible. I don’t want him to resent me for life if I express too much about how I really feel about this trip.
Now to the real story. The current plan is for him to go alone, he’s very sociable and makes friends easily, and both him and I think he’d be fine to go alone. In an ideal world he would have a travel buddy, but it’s hard to find someone he can tolerate for three months who can also save up lots of money in a short period of time (I cannot go with him due to school).
Now the other day, I glanced over his shoulder while he was texting one of his friends, Jenny. He and Jenny have been friends for a while now, but previously they dated for a short amount of time. I’m fine with them hanging out and being friends, I know he does not have any sort of feelings towards her and he would never cheat on me.
When I glanced at the text, I saw that the two of them were talking about Jenny going to Europe with him. I did not say anything or bring it up until a couple nights later, and the conversation went something like this.
Me: so have you found someone to go to europe with yet?
Him: no, not yet. jenny has been thinking of coming but I’m not sure if i’d like that
Me: why is that?
Him: i just don’t think i can spend three months with her without us getting sick of each other, and i also don’t know if i want to spend three months with my ex.
Me: yeah I can see how that would get tense pretty quickly.
The conversation pretty much ended there, and we haven’t talked about it since. However, I do not want him going with her. I’ve met Jenny a couple times, she’s very nice, and I don’t worry about my boyfriend. But I do worry about her. He’s the most amazing person ever, and being stuck with someone for three months will likely rekindle some old flame. And I need him to know that I’m not on board with he and Jenny going together.
However, I don’t want to be the “crazy girlfriend”. When it comes to this trip, I want to be as supportive as possible, and I just don’t see how I can bring this up without sounding horribly jealous.
What do I do???
TL;DR
How do I tell my boyfriend I don’t want him going on a three month trip to Europe with his ex?
8 comments
All I have to say is hell. To. The. No.
As the girl who’s been “Jenny” don’t let him go a flame is likely to rekindle you aren’t crazy
Sounds like he’s already apprehensive about it, so it seems like he’d understand your take.
You’re also allowed to communicate with him. Say “I’m not saying you CAN’T do this, but it would make me uncomfortable and put our relationship in an uncomfortable position.” Communicating your feelings doesn’t make you ‘crazy’.
It doesn’t need to be a fight. Doesn’t need to be said angrily or jealously. It’s a boundary you’re allowed to set.
“I’m glad you said you don’t want to go with Jenny. I think that would make me uncomfortable.”
I have to admit I laughed out loud at the idea that traveling for three months with someone is going to bring them closer. In my experience, they’ll be lucky to even be friends by the end. But I digress.
Having a travel buddy is great, but he sound genuinely on the fence. My advice is to not veto it. You can be honest that you feel insecure about your relationship and the fact that he’s going to spend three months with her. (You can’t really say you’re worried about her and not him. It takes two.) You can point out that this trip might foster some intimacy for Jenny and he should be sure she doesn’t get the wrong idea. He might decide that he doesn’t want to go with her all that much, or he might decide that it’s fine and your insecurities are yours to address. But I feel like this is a decision that he should make himself. If he’s going to fall in love with her because they traveled together, he’s not really the guy for you. If he’s going to have a fling, he’s not for you. But if you forbid him from going with her, I feel like it sets a standard for bad faith and lack of trust, and that’s not healthy. It’s probably not going to make you feel closer, but farther apart, if that makes sense?
This phenomenon of women letting men walk all over them and cross boundaries just so they can be perceived as the “chill/cool” gf is absurd. It’s internalized misogyny and if you’re not comfortable with him going to Europe for 3 months with his ex, which is COMPLETELY REASONABLE, you need to tell him!!! If he doesn’t understand why this would make you uncomfortable, then he’s a fool and doesn’t deserve you anyway.
[deleted]
You worry about her ? You think she’s going to rape your boyfriend? In that case you should really make him understand how dangerous it is.
If not then you simply don’t trust him. Honestly getting in the way of a possibly one lifetime event is a bad idea, he will resent you if you have any voice in it.(which you shouldn’t,not your trip)