I’m feeling increasingly frustrated and strained in my marriage with my wife. We come from different backgrounds, with my wife being from Cambodia, and I work as a software engineer while she works as a full-time server. Lately, I’ve been struggling to maintain respect and love for her due to some ongoing issues.
One major concern is that my wife tends to spend most of her free time just lounging around. It’s not uncommon for her to spend 12 hours or more in bed or on the couch. When she’s not sleeping, she’s often engrossed in her phone or my phone, playing a game that she can’t install on her device, or using her laptop, which used to be mine for studying.
Meanwhile, I work long hours as a software developer, often going beyond the standard full-time schedule. Given the mentally taxing nature of my job, I find it difficult to unwind or pursue my own hobbies. I love gaming, but I rarely find the time or energy to do so, and my wife is aware of this.
On top of my professional responsibilities, I find myself taking on the majority of household chores. I do nearly all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking care of our dogs, grocery shopping, budgeting, and fixing anything that needs attention around the house. While I don’t mind helping her, as it gives us a chance to spend time together, it becomes challenging when she constantly leaves messes around the house and fails to address them.
Another concern is that my wife tends to prioritize her hobbies over other responsibilities. Whether it’s spending hours on her nails, gaming, reading manga, scrolling instagram, or engaging in crafts, she neglects her share of the household duties. This places an additional burden on me, and it’s disheartening to see her focus so much on her hobbies while disregarding the other important aspects of our life together.
When I express my concerns to her, she either becomes annoyed or breaks down in tears. I understand that she has had struggles in the past, with trauma of her parents berating her as useless and her battling self-doubt and abandonment issues. I’ve always tried to be supportive, refraining from complaining about her laziness, even though it bothers me that she doesn’t contribute much while I work tirelessly to support us. We’ve had difficult financial times, and though I currently earn a good income, it still puts a strain on me to cover all our expenses without any savings.
She has expressed a desire to have children, but given her current lack of contribution to home responsibilities and our financial situation, it concerns me to take on the responsibility of caring for a child on top of everything else.
I still love my wife very much and want to salvage our relationship and support her in her personal growth. I’ve been in a similar situation, having faced personal challenges and unemployment for many years before we got married. I managed to overcome those difficulties by pushing myself to make a living and improve our situation. I’ve offered to guide and teach her what I know, providing her with a mentorship opportunity and financial support for studies or any pursuit she finds interesting and believes she can handle. Unfortunately, she hasn’t taken any initiative to improve herself or contribute more.
I’m unsure how to proceed and whether this situation is salvageable. We don’t have much quality time together like we once did, and we rarely have intimate moments or have sex. I don’t want to fall into the trap of the sunk-cost fallacy, merely hoping things will get better. I’m willing to be patient and provide her with the assistance she needs, even if it involves going to therapy, as I believe she may have underlying issues. However, I feel stuck and uncertain about how to support her effectively.
Apologies for the ranting all over the place, but I needed to vent my frustrations and seek guidance. If anyone has advice or suggestions on how to navigate this situation, I would greatly appreciate it