TLDR: Seeing signs into a future im unsure of. partner wanted a stay at home wife/mum, but now resents the idea of working while i do 100% child raising and housework. called me a golddigger. is there anything i can do to improve things or should i run?
Apologies, but this is going to be long because i do explain little details, because they are important to me. if you dont want to read, thats fine, theres a TLDR above.
So recently my partner (34M) and I (38F) have reached a snag in our relationship of almost 9 years. We have had ups a downs, a lot actually. he has packed up and almost moved out at least 6 times over the years, sometimes at my request, sometimes his. though he has never left, we talk just before he packs the car and we decide to work on things. they last a few months but then either the same thing, or something else happens. I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship, who is always at his dads when things escalate like this because none of us have to hold back if he isnt here to see it. however ive had some therapy 3 years ago and its helped me control my emotional reactions. Its very rare now that when im upset, i lose my cool and say nasty things or tell him to move out, i barely even raise my voice anymore. i wish i could say the same about him.
My partner is looking into a higher paid job, he want to drive HGVs, the money is good and he doesnt have to interact with many people, which suits him fine. Obv he needs his license first, but currently has a job. I am only on benefits as i am my mothers carer. I recently had a side hustle which ive now lost, so im struggling to pay my half of the bills, but he said its fine, he got it covered. the proof came when we needed to top up the electric meter and he put £50 on it and told me to pay nothing. i resisted because i hate relying on others, but he insisted. i picked up more of the housework (despite being ill) because of that gesture. He says this new HGV job will get rid of any money worries as it pays so well, he could even get a mortgage and we could move, finally have a child of our own and get married, all of which we havent done due to the cost. He is currently a postman for royal mail, the pay is good but in the current climate, we still only just get by. We discussed what i would do and i said i dont want to have a baby, then have it raised by grandparentls while i worked (like his nephew is) or in nursery, where kids bite eachother and also bring viruses home SO often that id miss loads of work anyway, he agreed (at the time) and said he prefers the idea of the child being raised by its mother, then the father helping while he is not at work. i also said because he would be paying all the bills, i would do 100% of the housework, he can relax after work and on days off, he wont have to lift a finger. he loved the idea and even said he would still help at home and i jokingly said ‘yeah thats assuming im gonna leave anything for you to do’, basically, you cant help if ive already done it. if hes earning the money i want his life to be as easy as possible outside of work. he seemed to like that idea and even said himself he would pay off my debts for me (i have a 7k loan for a private medical matter) and would let me buy things if i wanted them, like makeup or clothes etc. well this morning that all changed. we were sick over weekend, my son had flu and was off school on friday, he was with bio dad but wanted to come here and friday after school is when i was meant to get him anyway, so i got him earlier. obv me and partner caught this flu and my partner was particularly bad with it. he woke up trembling in the night, so whilst i was achy and dizzy, i went downstairs twice to get meds and hot water bottle for him. i made a cooked breakfast and cleaned up, walked the 2 dogs by myself, made hot drinks and brought them up to him, whilst i was still dizzy and achy myself. but come today, while im still poorly and hes gotten a bit better, hes off out for 12 hours with his friends. he sais he ‘needs a relax day’ to chill and have fun. ok, thats great, but im so dizzy i nearly fell down the stairs this morning. he lashed out, said i always find an issue when hes planned to go to his friends. he said im throwing the things i did for him, in his face as a weapon. all im doing him is reminding him of what i did for him and hoping to get even 10% of that treatment back! im dizzy as hell and he left me today before even feeding the dogs for me, so i almost fell when i had to bend forward to pick up dog bowls. he said im not even that poorly so should be ok. i brought my ill son here so its my fault im ill anyway so i can look after myself. he then said hes paying for everything and im a golddigger, hes paid ONE fucking electric bill by himself and suddenly hes paying for everything and im a golddigger? this future we planned, im a golddigger for that too, he hasnt even got his damn license yet so its nothing other than a pipe dream at this stage anyway. i said fine il get a job then but im not coming home from work and then taking care of a house and a baby, so i aint having a baby. why would i make my life that hard, for someone who wont miss a day seeing the boys to help his sick partner? he goes for 12 hours in 1 day, every week. if anything even slightly gets in the way of that, the worst temper ive ever seen, comes out. even his own mother says to me ‘its because its (insert friends name) day’. he yelled at me and said more horrid things. he hates me. i asked why, he said for existing. (ugh, im crying again now after typing that). said how his family own all these houses that hes gonna inherit, but how my family have nothing so why would he even wanna marry me at all. his brother is engaged but he understands why, because she has a family that own houses aswell. this isnt the first time he has said this to me.
he said i need him more than he needs me, which financially is true, so leaving isnt an option right now. i owe a 7k loan, which i cant afford to pay back if im also paying rent and bills by myself. i cant move, i have a good landlord who charges me basic minimum rent, even a 2 bed high rise flat is more expensive than my current home, so its cheaper for me to stay here. if i work, my mum loses her carer and seeing as she has mental health issues, cant have a stranger replace me. Even if i worked and could afford the 50/50 bills with partner, he wouldnt do 50/50 housework. he says he would, but he shows me otherwise. when he worked (he is currently off sick for 1 year, paid, goes back to work in march) he expected to have to not clean at home, because i was at home so should have done it (also working, i had an online shop, i made things from scratch, AND was my mums carer). but now hes off work, at home, while i still worked on my shop, he didnt do the ‘at home; duties i was expected to do. he does say that now hes seen how hard it is, doing 90% of the housework by yourself, he understands why i couldnt do it. so that hasnt happened, the house turned to crap while i had this shop and hardly any help at home, its a blessing in disguise that i lost the shop because at least my house is clean now, only thanks to me. (he does SOME stuff, vaccumes the carpets once or twice a month, does the dishes after i cook, vaccumes the lounge a few times a week because we have hairy dogs) i do all laundry, all cooking, all scrubbing bathroom/toilet, all/any painting that needs doing (white walls need touching up a few times a year, dirty hands touching them), all dusting of cabinets, cleaning floors/kitchen counters, dog grooming etc.
he text and apologised, about 20 mins after he left. but he said hes only sorry for shouting at me, not for the things he said. he left me a 4 minute voice note, but when i left him one back, answering everything he said, he said he isnt listening to that because im just going on and on. then proceeded to leave me another one, so, he can talk, but i cant?
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it isnt like this all the time, when we r good, im happy beyond belief. but when something gets in the way of his day with the dudes, its like a switch flips and this temper comes out. knowing those things were said in anger, doesnt make them any less hurtful or easy to let go of, because what he says conflicts with what he says when he isnt agry, which one of them is the truth? they cant both be true, they contradict eachother. I cant afford to leave because i cant afford to live on my own,
id have to work 50 hours a week and practically abandon my son, just to meake minimum ends meet. so what can i do in this situation? just shut up and not voice my concerns so i dont get spoken to like that? at least he helps with the bills hes helping run up, and the roof he lives under. am i wrong for even considering not having a future with him at all? i mean, i did almost inconvenience his bro day by still being sick on the day he has to leave. i suppose giving someone care then expecting it back is a dick move on my end.
any advice on what to do?