I (f28) and my husband (m26) have been struggling the entirety of our marriage with sex. We both blame each other, but I want to take responsibility and fix things where I can because he deserves to be loved fully as do I.
For some personal details, I have a history of CSA and there was another instance of sexual abuse in my adult hood. I have been to therapy through my life for these reasons, it helped amazingly, I still struggle to feel safe sometimes but that is my responsibility to cope with. When we started dating I was an exotic dancer, and OF girl. In marriage I did stop all of these things. I also had surgery dec 12th 2023 to find out my uterus was fused to my posterior culdesac, there was a tumor over taking my uterus and I have stage 4 endo, and sex was not supposed to be painful that way. (I never knew it could feel any other way) I have never gone outside of our marriage emotionally or sexually. We both come from abusive unstable drug addicted homes.
For personal details on him, he loves games, he loves music, he loves to be active. He is really good at anything he does, and he picks up on anything he can touch really quickly. He is smart as hell, he has the most amazing smile and I love his brain. He struggles with trust in relationships, and he struggles with his self esteem (I think it’s my fault for the sexual neglect) he seems to be unhappy and unsatisfied in life. he has expressed he believes he was addicted to pornography. And we have had discussion pertaining to this before, he was worried about it. He helped put me through school, he pays for majority of our lifestyle(we are lower middle class) and now that I am working in my career I do anything I can financially to help and get him small girls or bigger gifts when I can(he likes gifts)
Ok with all of that out of the way, he believes we are in a sexless marriage. We have sex atleast 2-6 times a month . I was released to have sex again from surgery the 12th of January and we did more than we ever have in a week , then we both got the flu. And we haven’t since (10 days). We have not argued about sex in well over 6 months because we found out what was going on finally, and I felt like we finally got to a mutual point of “it’s not our faults, it’s my uterus’s fault and we can fix that.” I don’t think we did though, our argument this morning worries me that these feelings still sit heavy on him. And I feel responsible for the fact that he doesn’t feel sexually wanted or needed. On the other hand, he doesn’t talk to me much, he tells me he isn’t interested in most of the things I am, and he tells me I’m annoying but he loves me. And I think yes some of it is teasing and playing but it is hard to feel different when the only time I feel he tries to be cute and playful is when he wants sex. But I blame myself for that because I did reject a lot of his advances in sex very early in our relationship. So now he expects me to reject him. I’m not sure what to do.
He doesn’t want to do therapy, he doesn’t want to talk about his emotions to me, he gets very frustrated and then just ignores me . Is this my fault? I will take responsibility and deal with whatever consequences I have, I just want him to be happy and feel like the beautiful man I see him as.
If you have any questions , I’ll answer anything for clarity.
Tl;Dr did I ruin my husband’s confidence and self esteem through my lack of sex, or is this a mutual problem, or is this him not communicating better what he needs?