I (22F) have found myself in a situation that has been haunting me for about five to six years now. I recently met up with someone from my past, R (22M) and it’s left me feeling more broken than ever.
A little background: R and I go way back to high school, and we’ve had an on-and-off thing that has been more off than on. Despite this, my feelings for him have been unwavering. We recently reconnected, and I made the painful realization that he’s only ever been in it for the physical aspect. I recently lost my virginity to him, thinking there was something more, only to find out he was neglectful and involved in situationships with other people.
It’s hard to admit that I’ve trusted someone who never valued me the way I valued him. Knowing he’s been with other gorgeous girls overseas while I’m stuck here has left me feeling worthless. To make matters worse, I’m grappling with the possibility of having borderline personality disorder (BPD) and looking into therapy.
He has always been stringing me along and even though it was obvious, I turned a blind eye. I gave him multiple chances over the years and I feel stupid for this. It was always very obvious that he was only in it for the physical aspect of it all but I refused to accept it and clung on to the hope of something more. I finally cut off all ties with him and blocked him everywhere yesterday once and for all but it hurts so bad.
I’m struggling with anxiety and a sense of betrayal, and I feel lost on how to move forward. If anyone has been through similar situations or has advice on overcoming such feelings, I could really use some guidance right now. Any recommendations for podcasts I can listen to or books I can read will also be helpful.
TL;DR: I’ve been in an on-and-off situationship with R for about five to six years. Recently, I finally realised and admitted to myself that he’s only interested in the physical aspect, even though I lost my virginity to him. I discovered that he’s been in situationships with others and hooked up with people overseas. I feel worthless and anxious. I suspect I may have BPD and am considering therapy. Seeking advice on moving forward from this toxic situation.