Dear all, I wanted to ask about a painful topic which I’m struggling with in my marriage.
Essentially, I’m feeling fed up, and like I’m fighting to find the moments of happiness – the spark of love and hope I once felt, and am finding myself irritable, and frustrated mainly because things do not seem to be changing and I’m worried I may actually want to be with a different type of person than my partner, who is absolutely lovely in their own way.
It’s heartbreaking to be slowly circling around these ideas – because of course I held out massive hope for us, and I am tired in many ways, and live with great traumas – I really wanted a life partner to settle with however what I’m apparently up against is my own desire (needs not being met) and resentments from the past (partner misleading me about who they were, resulting in me having to carry us financially for several years & motivate them to pursue a proper line of work).
I’ll briefly tell the story and see what you all think.
I met my spouse nearly 4 years ago, some friends introduced us. I was going through a terrible time and had been really ever since I traumatically lost my parents when I was in my twenties (I was by now, 36 when we met). The experience had robbed me of my sense of safety; gradually alienated me from my friends; fragmented and already fractured family structure; riddled me with anxiety and dissociation symptoms; led me to drink periodically to calm the internal anguish and negatively affected my relationships in multiple ways. I was always fighting in life, because I had very little to call home (renting a shared flat in the city) and very little family, or friends any more (my childhood friends gradually abandoned me due to my trauma and my difficulties)…
So, I was hopeless really, dragging myself to work each day, concealing my pain from the world in order I get by and to not overly burden those who were close with my by-now ‘tired story’ – people couldn’t help, but also wanted me to be better, and perhaps couldn’t understand why I was in such perpetual distress.
Some friends introduced us, and I begin to feel a surge of possibility, they are wonderful, beautiful in many ways, and full of hope. They are a Brazilian citizen apparently operating a business in the UK and want to see more of me!
We go on dates and it goes quickly! My heart is surging… Could this be what I’ve needed? Could we make a home? Could we have a future together…
We date more and more and then rent a place out together.
In that time I realise that they aren’t actually operating their business, and that their family is sending them money periodically to cover their outgoings…
I find that I’m going to work each day leaving at 7 and getting back around 6 and a lot of their day is spent mooching around, on WhatsApp calls with relatives abroad.
I become disheartened, this business person, this go getter, was actually really homesick and lost and had amped up their portfolio for my benefit, to appear more attractive.
We wrestle over this and fight and argue and I become so frustrated with the blatant defensiveness surrounding this… Did they ever know what it was like to work 40 hours a week at something?! How the hell were we gonna make it if they could try at one thing. How could of we consider parenting?! Have I made a massive mistake!
I encourage them to start a little business making craft items to sell online, I purchase the equipment.
They make a fair crack at it but don’t pursue it with much gusto.
Renting is too expensive – $2000 per month is a lot, before bills.
I inherited my mother’s house and had it rented out, perhaps I could finally take some money from there and we could buy a little place and get out of the city like I’d always hoped. A log fire, walks in the countryside, a nice, cosy, warm family…
I remortgage my mother’s house and purchase a small house in the country, and we move.
With time they’ve improved a hell of a lot – they got a little job at a cafe 2 days a week and embarked upon an interpreting course, and now can work as an interpreter from home, and so have a skill. I’ve been impressed with how they applied themself to the course and really proud. I’m also impressed and proud of the way they approach their cafe job, never missing a day and making friends in the local area.
It’s still a struggle to get them to do many hours and they need encouragement and will often take afternoons off or get up late etc, but it is an improvement.
They are also a good soul, and really warm hearted, full of hope and joy.
I worry however that this kind of joy may be born of immaturity, and of always having your needs taken care of – the bank of mum and dad – which means they’ve never had to confront reality. They’ve also elevated me to a position of ‘provider’ which I didn’t really want… I wanted a partnership.
We get along for the most part, although I find myself now tired with the immaturity of some of their attitudes, I worry we do not share much in common and often I feel under stimulated and quite lonely (they work every Sunday).
I find myself longing for spark, humour (the language and culture differences prove to be a bit of an obstacle to this sometimes) and hope. My partner is quite content doing their bits and bobs and watching TV shows in their spare time – I wanted conversation and some excitement… They don’t have any hobbies or really much to share their interests in with me so there’s a bit of a void there and days are often a bit of a monotonous cycle of work, dinner and TV/movies. I enjoy this but would like some more energy in our relationship – energy that they’re not really interested in.
Conversations rarely feel constructive in that ‘build upon’ way that can feel so enjoyable with someone you really get along with. It’s often very deliberate, purposeful; we rarely sit around whimsically exploring a topic – often this can feel challenging and creates a kind of defensiveness for they can feel I’m criticising their idea rather than exploring the areas we do not know about, and so, like many things, I’ve stopped trying.
Here’s the bind… I’ve fought for absolutely years to have this kind of stability, a loving caring partner who has a solid heart, who’s happy and will not leave me and wants for little to make them happy in life and yet it is me who is not feeling fulfilled!
I do not want to be feeling this way, the resentment is a thing if the past (largely) and yet sometimes when they’re near I feel this irritable urge to repel them which to me is a haunting indication that perhaps I am unhappy, which depresses me further.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you made it to the end!
Does anyone please have any advice/experience/pearls of wisdom?
Many thanks!