Some context:
I am 19, left my parents to move to uni. Study genetics at a top20 world school. I love the arts (former ballerina). I paint, read, and work out. I adore fashion and medicine. I am all for human advancement and very “by the book”. Also a very empathetic but serious kind of girl. I know how to have a good time but am prim and proper regularly. If it helps understand me, I like the finer things in life. F1 and racing in general. I watch Cannes nominated movies and like to occasionally ponder on ethics and that kind of bs with friends. I read classics and poetry. I worship vogue and am a foodie. I like music and new things. When I asked him what he thinks I like he answered “shopping and showers”. I shouldn’t be surprised as he practically expected me or my sister to tell him what to get me for xmas, when I spent one month searching for the perfect gift. I am not much into family or relationships, as these have grown sour for me.
Bf is 20.
Migrated from Turkey. Stopped school around grade 8. Has worked since in a multitude of jobs and now occupies a good position in construction work. He is very different. I can’t help to describe him as the kind of person who likes the simpler things in life. Tranquillity and stagnancy. Long walks outside. Drinking black tea while smoking. Action movies. Hanging out with friends. Motorcycles. Sad music. Weed. Work. Space. Good food. The only thing he might like more than working and sex/ girls is his family (more so just his mother).
Issue:
Despite a lot of turmoil, we care for each other and love each other a lot. Like any couple, we argue and have our differences as we live together. Part of this I believe is due to incompatibility and finances. Obviously, these aspects influence each other but I am no longer too concerned about finances as my parents are helping us move forward. Like any person what scares or concerns me is the future, but I feel in this case there’s more to it. I do not wish to elaborate so much but at times the relationship has been toxic and even at this time it isn’t in a great state. It’s constantly cycles of fights, small truce agreement, then bliss and then repeat. Rinse and repeat, but now it seems to be as if we have hit a wall now, an all time “bottom”. Many times we would tell each other all we want is to break up, so almost a week ago I left my sister’s apartment to give it some time and think. This exasperated things and led to very ugly stuff after. Now we have “patched-up” and as per everyone’s recommendation I am going to move out with my parents, he is too. The logic behind this was that since I’m on a gap year, I will have time to rest, work on myself/ personal studies and my health (which has been deteriorating very badly in the last year). My mother wants him to stay as he would be close and she wants to be near, without me changing my mind (he constantly does this creating a pull-push dynamic). The other reason behind this is so he can actually save money and pay his own debts (he helped buy his parents a home in his home country and somehow is on the hook for 50k). He already had made some living arrangements with friends in our last major argument but changed his mind and doesn’t “want to lose me”. So he agreed to move to a new city 4 hours away to live at my parent’s home. My dad is negotiating with his boss (also a friend) to get him a very well paying full-time union job. Ultimately, my parents believe that if my bf does well in life, so will I. They don’t want him dragging me down, draining me or perhaps ruining my life. Of course, they don’t say it out loud as they also empathise with him as hard-working immigrants. Like him they had to make it out alone in a new country, new language and with nothing. I also empathise with him, I care for him truly. I have given up a lot of things and try to help him in what I can (i.e. teach him english, translate his paperwork, deal with his bills, make him 4am breakfast for his work, pack him even lunch, clean our apartment, laundry, etc.). Like I said before, we live together and I have been on a gap year (not working due to major impediments and health issues). I feel this bothered him a lot with time even though he was originally in agreement. I understand he carries a lot of responsibility and stress, but he also has brought down myself a lot, emotionally and more. What I fear is that no matter what we do (or I attempt), nothing can be repaired. Some hurt will always be there. Arguments never cease. I am losing myself and also hate myself. He makes me lose confidence and doubt myself. My sister insists it’s stockholm. I think it’s just my indecision and stupidity.
He and I have very different mindsets and upbringings. He never sees fallacy in his logic but caters it to himself always. He is rude and doesn’t listen unless I make an enormous effort. Yet he brushes off anything as jokes. He can make me scared as he has been aggressive in the past. He can also be very dismissive and stubborn. My brother believes he’s careless and immature, but has big hopes for him because she sees my dad in him maybe. Hardworking, respectful in public and has a cute face. I have always had a harsh relationship with my parents and sister. They have hurt me a lot in the past, and can be toxic and hard to trust. So I can’t really open up and it’s embarrassing to tell my friends.
I feel he expects too much. Always wants too much, as if he were some prize of a catch. He wants a beautiful, fit girl who always shaves. I attempt to do this for him. He wants a smart, successful girl who is independent but not bossy. I’m trying again. He wants a good cook and housewife. I’m doing my best. Always down for intercourse. I’ll pretend excellently. Learn his language and way of thinking. FIne.
What more? Can I even keep up?
More importantly, is he even worth it? I could understand doing this for myself if that were my dream but at this time it isn’t. I just want to recover. I was once a very determined girl with all these qualities when we met, but I was empty, depressed and abusing medications.
My friends insist he will pass, that this is a childish, stubborn fling. My mother thinks once I resume school, I will find someone more compatible or better that I like and move on. I do not want this but I do wish to be understood and loved as I do. I do not want to feel like I’m dating a fish while I’m a cat.
I believe he is a good person. Kind at heart and he has given up countless things for me but, is there even a way to get to his head? I know everyone will say that it takes 2 to make things work but I don’t see a breakup happening anytime soon.
What can I do for myself?