TLDR: Him (43M) and I (23F) started as a sugar daddy arrangement. He no longer wants to pay as our relationship has transitioned into real feelings, and I’m torn on if the right thing to do is move on
It began as a sugar dating relationship. He (43M) and I (23F) met online and started a routine where we’d meet, he’d pay. It transitioned from an hour in a hotel room, to a couple hours at his place, to multiple days spent working from his place, to trips abroad and slowly meeting his friends. He started as my “sugar daddy” and became one of my favorite people in my life, looking forward to every time I’d talk with him over the phone and the next time I’d see him in person.
A month ago, he asked not to pay as his budget was tight and quarterly taxes were due. I understood and said that was ok, and would bring it up later. After bringing it up recently, he will not go back to the way things were. He felt wrong paying for a relationship, is saying our feelings are real and that the way we started our relationship was so wrong.
We are not exclusive with each other. He has another girl he tries to keep hidden from me, she’s staying overnight at his place and they’re going on trips abroad together. I have another man I’ve been pursuing to support me in a very niche career change and enjoy being with as a surface level relationship. Neither of us are honest about this. We pretend we’re only with each other but unspokenly know that there are other partners in both our lives that we are not ready to give up.
I love everything about him when we are together. He has taught me so much about how to be happy about life, providing me comfort and love, taking me to places that I never thought I’d see. But I don’t know how to justify a 20 year age gap, non-exclusive, dishonest relationship that I hide from everyone in my life without being paid for it as we were before. I am jealous of the other girl in his life (double standard, I know).
If I posted this on the sugar relationship forums, the advice received would be to drop him and move on. I’m young and potentially extremely naive, thinking a relationship with someone so much older could be real. He is interested in me – someone half his age, much less experienced and much less intelligent. I never felt like he was manipulating me into the relationship, it always felt so real and easy to be with him. If we were fully exclusive with each other, I could see myself loving him.
I don’t have anyone in my life to talk about this with so I’m turning to here for any Reddit wisdom that the community is open to offering. Is the right thing to walk away and move on? Stay and accept the dishonestly? Move forward in another way?