How do you move on from a “fated” view of love? I’m realizing that I’ve had in my head one way or another for a long time now that love is not “real” nor you haven’t found the “best” version of it if it isn’t that soulmate, one-and-only, my-astrology-chart-told-me-about-you kind of love.
I’m not saying, as an alternative, people should settle and feel unfulfilled. But maybe kind of a realization that love comes outside these packages? Maybe I’m just growing up and realizing very obvious, lol, but I’m also doubting myself (don’t want to settle!) and just wonder if I’m on the right track.
TL;DR! I’m (24F) realizing fated, dream-like versions of love is a fantasy, so which versions of love exist?
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My take on it is something like this…
There is no ‘the one’, there are instead many potential ‘ones’ who could fill that space in your life, if you’re lucky enough to meet them in the right place at the right time.
Does that make you feel any differently?
Love takes time. When you approach it with fairy tale expectations you leave yourself vulnerable to love-bombing. You also close yourself off the the slow burn of a love that is built on really getting to know each other, a love that is built on trust and understanding. Expectations of effortless fireworks is a path to relationships without foundations.
I think reading a bit about co-dependency, attachment styles, and some of John Gottman’s work could be really helpful for where you are at in your journey.
And Dan Savage likes to say, “there’s no settling down without settling for”, which might strike you as unromantic, but there is no perfect person.
It’s great that you’re self-reflecting, and I’d encourage you to continue on this path. There’s a great book called Why We Love that takes a really enjoyable wander through understanding love through lots of different lenses that I appreciated when I was where you are at.
You’re on the right track. I felt the way you did at 24. Thing is, I felt that way in large part because I didn’t really know who I was.
I kept dating, sure, but also focusing on myself and growing. It clicked after a while. So — keep pushing yourself to be flexible and open to different ideas of love.
My husband is wonderful but if you’d asked me at 24 to imagine a marriage, I wouldn’t have been able to describe what I’m living now. And, notably, it’s not the Disney fairytale you’re describing here. It’s real and dimensional in ways that ~one true love!~ narratives simply … are not.
You’re definitely on the right track. You can think of it as not expecting too much from the other person. Because like all humans, we are not perfect. And if you view love through the lens of the perfect ideal love then you will never be happy. Try not to get in the habit of creating superficial lists and just learn about a person and see how you two are compatible.
True love is accepting someone’s imperfections and them accepting yours while exchanging mutual trust, respect, and safety. More than anything else, it’s wanting to be with that person. Sometimes one ends up not wanting to necessarily but the other person sticks around. It happens. But the most important factor is staying together and working through problems together.
Love is about 10% feeling and 90% work and communication, from what I’ve found, but I personally don’t find happiness in romantic relationships. Instead, I choose to cultivate bonds with my friends!
For me, it was when the person I thought I was “meant to be with” died. We had broken up because he got a job in a big city and we hated the long distance and planned to get back together after I graduated college and could move to the city. But he passed away and I had to attend his funeral as his ex. At that point, I gave up on love and started just sleeping with as many guys as I could to get over him. But somehow in that crazy process, I met someone really great and decided to give love a chance again.
I’m still with that and I am choosing to love him because he is so kind and never once judged me for what I was going through when we met even though it wasn’t ideal.
Life isn’t like the movies and accepting that can be really hard. But it also can be empowering af to realize that you can choose who you love. “Fate” leaves you with no power but in reality you have the power to find your person and decide in that moment if you’re going to give them a chance.
You’re absolutely on the right track.
The trick about love is that it changes over time. You’ll never love the same person the same way for very long; infatuation might turn into passionate love which might turn into comfortable love which might turn into deep love. That initial thing where sparks fly and magic happens and you see your fates intertwined in the stars is really fun, but it’s not enough to sustain love by itself, because it will fade.
Love is sustained by work — and since work isn’t dreamlike, that’s where the “fated, dreamlike” vision falls short. Good communication, good conflict management, making compromises, making time, making effort, being there for your partner and letting them be there for you during the many parts of life that are stressful, painful, mundane, tedious. That’s what long-lasting love is built on.
Of course, it’s also incredibly important to keep being passionate and having fun so the spark doesn’t die. And, obviously, love should be enriching, joyful, and pleasurable. Love is worth the work. But you can’t build or maintain that love without the work.
You have hit a realisation that few people reach until their youth is all gone. So many people who regret the years wasted.
“True love” is a notion created by fiction, movies, tv shows and books. That there is a person — the one — the fated human being that will complete you — is a concept that so many middle aged adults will tell you is a concept you have to remove so you can be happy.
It is a notion that fosters co-dependence. Think of Romeo and Juliet — is it healthy to get into a relationship where you would kill yourself because you cannot be with them?
The notion that someone completes you — that you cannot be completely whole without a man — does that sound right to you?
The notion that you will never need anyone else. And an SO that will never need anyone else? That sounds like captivity. Not love.
When you accept this possibility — comes the question — what does a healthy love look like then?
Waaaayyy too big for a reddit response.
So consider reading the Eden Project by James Hollis.
Open a whole world of personal discovery.