Long story short: A guy I’ve been talking to for a couple weeks said he would call and then didn’t and I need some different perspectives so I can have a more nuanced view of the situation.
For reference, I am fearful avoidant in terms of attachment style, lots of childhood trauma, generally very prone to limerence and obsessiveness in romance, and that was definitely exacerbated by an on/off situationship with a pretty extreme avoidant alcoholic guy that ended a little over a year ago.
This guy I’m talking to is the first person I’ve genuinely liked since my ex. I do think part of it is being ready to date again, part of it is where I live (that LA dating pool is not it) and another part is genuine compatibility.
I met him on vacation 2.5 weeks ago off of hinge in the city where he lives. I’m not typically a hook-up person but I genuinely was open to either a fun time or more. We had an amazing first date and hooked up after. He expressed the date itself was amazing too. He spent the night and was really into cuddling. We had 2 more dates over the following 3 days (which he specifically scheduled at times where I would have his full attention but he wouldn’t be able to come over). We both expressed that we’d really miss each other, and talked about him visiting.
I did express wanting to keep exploring things and his initial reaction was to say he didn’t really want the pressure of LDR. We had a longer discussion where I explained that I’m hesitant too but want to at least be open to the possibility, not asking for exclusivity or anything, and should it work out long term, I’d be open to moving eventually. That seemed to change his perspective because he could see it was more feasible but he essentially was like “I definitely wanna continue talking to you anyway and I feel a connection; I just don’t want us getting our hopes up because I’m skeptical about the distance” which I see as completely fair.
Some background info about him: he ended a 5-year relationship last March because they were at different places in life, and in his words, she wasn’t happy with how much his working while also expecting a lot in terms of fancy dates, travel…etc. He mentioned that other people he connected with since have also not been able to handle his work schedule. He works 12 hour days most days and will occasionally have to drop what he’s doing to answer work calls at random times.
Right after I returned home, we basically were talking every day, initially initiated by me but basically a conversation that’s rolling over. I definitely could see that work schedule issue, but he was amazing at letting me know in advance when he’d be busy and when I could potentially expect a response. Another thing I really like so far is when I check in, he will voluntarily give me every detail that happened in his day. Those 2 things really calmed my anxiety tbh because I don’t necessarily care about constant contact, just about knowing it isn’t about me if it doesn’t happen.
However, his grandfather died around 9 days ago. I told him I’m there for him if I can make things easier in any way but I understand if he needs space as well, and I’d just check in on him periodically. So over the past week, I’d just check in every 2-3 days, and he’d send me those detailed updates of what he’s up to, and he was also very apologetic about not being “reachable” as he hasn’t wanted to talk to anyone outside of family. I told him he absolutely had the right to that space and time with family and with himself.
Yesterday, I suppose he was slightly starting to go back to normal, we exchanged a bunch of voice messages/had more of a conversation about how things have been. I asked if we should have a call and said it’s totally ok if he doesn’t want to, and he said “tomorrow evening – I need to catch up on a lot of emails and work prep tonight”. I didn’t reach out Today as I waited for him to call, but he didn’t (he’s 8h ahead, day’s already over for him).
Now – I completely understand he may just not have actually been up to talking and just decided to say that because he felt he should. What actually upsets me is that he didn’t reschedule or apologize (so far). I honestly just can’t gauge his level of interest because of all these confounding variables. Idk how much leeway to give based on the fact that he’s grieving. Idk if I’m being hypervigilent or naive. Like part of me thinks he probably is not taking me seriously because he thinks LDR wouldn’t work out and therefore he’s not putting in much effort/interest, part of me thinks if anything he’s given me quite a bit of his energy and time since, and he wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t pursuing me, another part is basically thinking that when he said his work schedule was the reason past situations failed, in reality it was probably him not remaining consistent and communicative. I also am afraid that I’m assigning big meanings to what is not a huge thing or a pattern yet because of my own baggage.
If you read all of this, thank you so much! I’m sorry that being concise is not my forte (and I’m afraid of omitting relevant details). Any and all perspectives are welcome but please be gentle haha.